No sexual experience compares to an orgy. Simultaneously intimate and an exhibitionist’s fantasy, orgies straddle these two worlds while broadening your sexual palate. But whether you’re going solo or with your partner, your bestie, or your big, kitchen-table poly fam, there’s a lot to consider before diving into your first big night. And regardless of if you’ve got your first orgy coming up on the calendar or are an aficionado looking to up your game, you can never be too ready. Ms. Manners may blush, but this manners minx is here to lay down the best tips and tricks for nailing your first orgy (and getting invited to come again).
You’re ready, you’re eager, you’re game…and you’re coming up dry. Breaking into the orgy world can be a bit tricky depending on where you live. Invites are often word-of-mouth, and it’s not always the easiest conversation to strike up with your friends. If you’ve struggled to find connections in the real world, try looking online. FetLife, a social media platform for kinksters, is a great place to meet people for everything from rope events to plain old trivia nights, making it an ideal space to build your own orgy community. For the more app-inclined, Feeld (formerly called Thrinder), is one of the only hookup apps for group sex. Everyone there is on the prowl for some unique iteration of a casual fling, and if you make it clear that an orgy’s what you want, you’ll find one in no time – that’s how I’ve found two without really trying.
The problem with Feeld, however, is that it doesn’t have much of a following in smaller cities – some folks recommend Tinder for orgies, but it’s geared towards monogamists, so be forward on your profile. If all else fails, Eventbrite often has carefully coded orgy events renamed as something sexy. It takes a little scrolling, but if you’re willing to look, they’re out there.
If you just got invited to your first orgy, you’re probably waffling on whether or not you’re ready. Maybe you don’t know how ready you’ll ever be for an event like this. You could be going with a partner, and are nervous about stepping on their toes – or you could just be nervous about going it solo. No matter how many people you’re bringing in your entourage, being ready for an orgy all boils down to the most important relationship of your life: the one with yourself.
Set aside everyone else in your sexual life for a moment – even that life partner, and especially whoever invited you. Who are you going to this orgy for? If the answer is anyone other than yourself, take a break right now and ask yourself if this is a genuine desire of yours. If not, great! Close this tab and move on with your life. If you’re on the fence, test the waters first: a threesome or some same-room action with another duo is a great foray into the world of group sex. Once you give those a go, you’ll know better if a room of naked, moaning bodies is your cup of tea.
Whenever you do know that you’re ready, your first time will call for a little bit of prep. Start by getting in touch with your body and reflecting on what turns you on and off. It may seem obvious, but a close look at your own desire is pivotal to having a great time. Sometimes, people do things in the sack they’re not thrilled with, because they feel like delineating what is and isn’t sexy is difficult. Maybe you like being humiliated, but not talked down to. Maybe you’re into being bound, but don’t want anything put in your mouth. Maybe you just hate sex with socks on, but do it because you’re cold. Whatever the case, pinpoint exactly what is and isn’t sexy for you, and lean into it.
Your own unique boundaries are important. In group settings, we may be tempted to just agree for the ride, but this is your time to explore, and orgies are all about those sweet, established boundaries – no matter what they are.
Once you have your sexual boundaries in mind, establish limits for yourself surrounding booze and drugs as well. In an ideal world, orgies would all be perfect little havens where nobody ever has too much to drink, and your partners are always checking in on how much you’ve had, but the reality is often different. Look out for your number one (that’s you!), by giving yourself limits that keep you happy and safe – and sticking to them. Consent is at the heart of every orgy, and if you seem too tipsy, odds are the community will rally and keep you safe, but avoid that predicament in the first place so everyone has a good time.
With your own ideas of comfort, sexuality, and boundaries in hand, you’re ready to talk about it with your partner(s). Regardless of if you and your partner are monogamous and dipping your toes into the world of group sex, or date separately with little overlap, communicating before you go is essential – no matter how long you’ve been nonmonogamous. Your first orgy will inevitably bring lush new experiences for you both, and it’s best to know what you want together and separately before you’re in the thick of it.
Are you looking to sleep with new people together, explore your sexuality separately, or find some sexy space in between? Take the time to hash it out, and keep the conversation nonjudgmental and communicative. Avoid “why” questions, and ask open-ended ones instead.
If you’re bringing two or more partners, have conversations individually and as a group. Polyamory is as beautifully diverse as little autumn birds, and there’s no cookie-cutter conversation that works for all of us. Prepare to cuddle up and have these talks well before the night of, so you all have had time to mull things over and settle into your expectations.
Finally, if you’re going in as a couple, read up on couple’s privilege and the way it informs your interactions with even the most casual of lovers. Avoid any mistakes that hurt partners’ feelings and leave you cringing for years afterward (trust me). When you’re well-read on how to give new partners a level playing field, you’re queueing yourself up for a sexier, more experimental, and happier time.
With your boundaries all ironed out and an orgy on your calendar, now you’re ready to start getting all the logistics lined up for the night of your life.
The most important thing you can do before an orgy is know your status. If you find out you have something treatable, take care of it well beforehand to be sure you’re in the clear. With something lifelong like HSV1, HSV2, or HIV, present it up front to the people you’re interested in and give them plenty of space to decide whether they want to play. Many parties are split on divulging HSV1, since it’s cold sores (something up to 90% of the world already has), but to be safe, it’s always the right move to discuss your health status. If those conversations make you anxious, you’d rather avoid them altogether, or you’re personally uncomfortable with the risks, you can still have a great time: orgies aren’t all about penetration and oral, and there are loads of salacious experiences still waiting for you out there.
Before you go, have a few key things squared away, like how you’ll get home. Make sure your phone is fully charged and Lyft is already installed, so you have a good backup plan for heading out – especially if you’re flying solo. People at orgies generally are well-versed in consent culture, but taking extra steps to be safe will help you have the best time possible. If it’s a party where you won’t know most people, let a friend know where you’re headed – or even invite a raunchy friend to come with you.
The evening of, eat a good meal a few hours beforehand (although I’d avoid the chili, if I were you). The goal is to not be empty-bellied. You can’t perform the same level of Sex Olympics if your legs are quivering from an empty stomach, and you really don’t want to mix booze, sex, and hunger on a night like this.
Last but by no means least, plan your outfit ahead of time. Orgies are an incredible way to unleash all your most lascivious fashion dreams, and it’s a fun chance to wear the spiciest things you’ve got – just make sure you’re wearing something that expresses you, so you feel your most confident and organic. Wearing the wrong thing that’s uncomfortable or doesn’t reflect your colors can ruin your entire vibe. I once went to a party where the hosts asked us all to change our outfits at the door. All the attendees agreed that feeling like we weren’t representing ourselves added a level of strangeness to the night. Whatever you pick, make sure that it screams you, and you’ll draw in all the honeys that see your unique spark.
It’s also smart to bring a few layers, just in case. A sexy bathrobe is a nice touch. Once you get all rustled out of your garters, corset, or three-piece suit, it’s a hassle to button yourself back into everything in an in-between moment. A bathrobe, slip-on nightie, or a cute pair of undies all work great for those moments when you’re standing in the kitchen, eating an orange and shooting the breeze with someone who just watched you get tied up and spanked.
When the big day finally comes and you’re about to head through that door, remember to surrender your expectations. You’ve signed up for an orgy, sure, and the invite says “orgy,” but entering a space with the expectation that you’ll be having sex with everyone there is sure to disappoint. No two orgies are alike, and you may end up doing little more than make out with a handful of people. That’s okay. Whatever it is, keep an open mind.
The host will have their own way to start the night. Some have a symbolic form to sign about consent, others circle up before the fun begins to lay out ground rules. Whatever the host organizes, be polite and listen carefully. Any rules they lay down about boundaries and things that are off-limits like rooms, sex acts, language, or substances, should be followed closely. That being said, hosts aren’t saints. If they push you to disclose something like your sexual orientation in front of a large group of people, don’t feel obligated to.
When you’re ready to get hot and heavy, pace yourself. An orgy isn’t a sprint, it’s a hike on the Appalachian. Take your time, flirt with some cuties, get to know people, and have a little fun before blowing all your energy in the first few minutes.
If you brought any toys, let interested parties know what you’ve got: floggers, paddles, and similar are always popular and group-focused fun. Feel free to bring penetrative toys like dildos as well, but make sure you put a fresh condom on them each time you use it with a new partner. Safety is the goal, and you want to keep all those babes you’re flirting with feeling safe.
One word is held as the most sacred in any orgy: consent. Things are constantly shifting in sexy parties: one minute, you’re having sex with your spouse, and the next, you’re using a strap-on with someone you met that night. But each and every step of the way, from that very first kiss all the way to double penetration, check in with your partners again and again.
Ask for consent – and listen to how you’re asking. You don’t want to ask in a way that makes your partner struggle to say “no.” Go above and beyond in creating a safe space, and remember that consent runs deeper than “no” – hesitation is as valid of a rejection as a firm “no” is. Don’t take it personally when someone turns you down. I’ve watched firsthand as a co-host pouted all night after he was rejected for passing boundaries without consent, and his attitude ruined the evening for a lot of people. That’s not okay. If you get turned down, be gracious and kind, move on, and find someone new to play with.
Some of this uncertainty or miscommunication arises when you forget that sex means something beautifully different to each person – so don’t assume that someone’s down to have sex with you just because they showed up. It takes a conversation to find out if they’re attracted to you; you can’t know someone’s sexual orientation or gender based on their appearance alone, and trying to figure it out that way will only get you in trouble. Orgies are a lot of sex, but they’re also a lot of sexy, sexy talking, too.
Asking is required, but don’t think you have to keep it dry. Make it sexy when you talk about it. Many orgy hosts establish a common safeword or system (often green, yellow, and red). If you find yourself in a space without that, set up words for you and each partner. And when you ask if something is alright, it doesn’t have to be awkward. Try soft, open-ended questions like, “How would you feel if I moved my hand higher?” Give your partners as much room to direct their time with you as possible. If you hear a “no,” be receptive, and ask your partner what they want.
This consent talk goes both ways. If you were sure you wanted someone, and then start making out with them and change your mind, let them know. Tell them “no,” or say you don’t want to do this anymore. You don’t owe someone a winded explanation, and you don’t have to follow through with something because you said you wanted it before. Utilize those safe words handed out, and communicate with your partners the moment you realize your mood has changed.
Permission isn’t just for touching, kissing, and penetrative acts – you have to ask and give permission for watching, too. While seeing people have sex at an orgy is inevitable (and part of the appeal), ask people if they’re comfortable with you plopping down beside them to take in the show. They may have a personal reason to say no (and you have every right to reject voyeurs, too!), and it’s up to all parties to communicate about it.
At the core of all orgy etiquette is the ultimate no-no: pressuring someone. It goes beyond just pushing someone for sex. Most orgies have an element of booze involved. Plenty have drugs. When you find yourself between sexy moments with someone, don’t push another drink – or any kind of substance – on them. Ask them if they want water instead and check in on how they’re doing. And if you notice that someone seems to have had a little too much, check in with them, and talk to the host about it. It’s our duty as a kinky, sexy, and juicy community to keep each other safe so that these parties stay exhilarating for us all.
If you’re looking to host your first orgy, it’s on you to create a welcoming environment. Remember that guy I mentioned earlier that pouted after being told to stop? Don’t be that guy. Your task as a host is about more than exchanging pleasure: it’s your duty to help all those consenting parties get down and dirty safely and joyfully. Community guidelines like a common safeword are always smart and make it easier for your guests to find their “no.”
You should also always offer drinks other than alcohol. Soda water, tea, and kombucha are all excellent booze alternatives. For folks who are drinking or doing substances, think of a fun way to help each other keep track of how much you’ve had. Stickers on the face are a cute visual for holding accountability, and if you see someone’s smiling, loopy, and bestickered face looking up at you for a smooch, you’ll know to hold back and check in with how they’re doing.
With all your bevvies set up, try and find a space in your home to serve as a little decompression zone. Sometimes, people get overstimulated and need to unwind. It doesn’t need to be a large space; the kitchen works great as a designated sex-free zone, so people can rehydrate, take a breather, and chitchat before getting back into the throng.
Always offer condoms and water-based lube placed visibly around the common sexy areas. Include vaginal condoms as well, and be prepped with more than you think you’ll need; you can always use them again later or invite people to take some home as party favors.
Lastly, don’t forget to take care of the overlooked buzzkill: silence. Put some low background music on, and make sure your playlist is nice and long. Music is essential to smoothing over those first bumps as the night gets started, and keeps people from feeling too awkward.
When the party’s over, always make sure you’ve cleaned up any sexy messes you’ve made, and don’t forget those favorite panties you brought. You can always wear them again to your next orgy or threesome, or sell them to an eager buyer (I hear eau d’orgy will fetch a fine price), so you can stock up on newer, cuter ones for next time.
Before you go, ask your hosts if they need any help tidying up, and be sure to put all your drinks and cups away. When you get home, clean any toys you used and then get comfortable. If you went with a partner or two, rehash your favorite moments, and unpack any weirdness the night held either for you as individuals or as a unit.
Most importantly, do whatever you’re called to do afterwards. Sometimes that’s a cup of tea, and others, that’s a glass of wine or a face mask. My personal favorite? Schedule a time to connect with your more scandalous friends the morning after and dish about all the good stuff.
Orgies are magical, unforgettable, and awakening experiences. If you go into them with an open mind and an emphasis on consent, you’ll find yourself entwined in a new, sexy community and get invited back to play again and again.
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