The Dominant’s Guide to the Art of Spanking

The used panty marketplace

Anyone who has seen the movie Secretary will tell you (very convincingly) that spanking can be extremely erotic...thanks, James Spader, for that. 

Most people think of spanking as an intense sexual act where someone is bend over knee and the slaps are loud enough to echo around the room. But there is so much more to spanking than you think. 

Whether you enjoy the red hot sensation of being spanked hard, leaving marks across your buttcheeks or the light, tingling sensation of a soft thump on the rump - adding a bit of sensual spanking into your sexual escapades can give your sex a bit of an edge. 

The idea of erotic spanking or flogging has been around for literal centuries, so if you find yourself intrigued by the idea of spankings - you’re not alone. 

Even Vatsyayana, the writer of the infamous Kama Sutra, dedicated entire pages of his works into the hand positions and striking positions one can use while spanking...he even detailed the different types of cries your partner will make during your impact play. 

Let’s Talk About Impact Play

Impact play is just what it sounds like: playing with different impact sensations for sexual gratification. This most often means being spanked with bare hands, floggers, paddles or even canes. 

While the term “impact play” sounds a bit intimidating and painful, it doesn’t always have to be that extreme. Even something as simple as giving your lover a nice smack while they are riding you can be considered impact play. 

When it comes to spanking, your partner’s juicy booty or thick thighs are a great place to concentrate your sensual blows. 

The most important thing to note about spanking (or any kind of impact play, for that matter) is that it must be consensual. While talking about how hard you’re going to spank your lover might be a fun part of foreplay, it’s actually really important to have these. 

Consent shouldn’t need a guide, but here’s a post to clarify what consent is (and isn’t) before we get started.

What’s So Great About Spanking?

Whether you like the pain, the anticipation that comes from not knowing when and where the next slap will be or you simply want encouragement from your partner in the form of a few slaps on the ass during sex - there really is no one reason people like spanking...because there are actually loads of reasons to choose from. 

We could talk all day about the different reasons you might be aroused by spanking - but here are a few of the more prominent reasons. 

Firstly, there is the physicality of it: being spanked increases blood flow to those areas which can ultimately help intensify your sexual arousal. 

Not only that, but there really is a scientific explanation as to why there is such a thin line between pleasure and pain, and why some of us get aroused by a bit of pain. 

Pain and stress cause our brains to release a lot of different chemicals...endorphins, serotonin, epinephrine, dopamine...that last one is important. Dopamine is present in our bodies when we’re feeling pain...but it’s also there when we feel pleasure. 

In fact, the release of dopamine often causes a kind of euphoric effect.
This is why running can produce a “runner’s high”, for example. Your calves might be burning and your sides cramping, but you are feeling absolutely amazing.

Another part of what makes spanking so appealing is that it’s taboo or “wrong”. Like most of the fetishes we talk about, part of the sex appeal with spanking is that it’s out of the norm and can even be considered a bit controversial. 

Although this sort of taboo and mystery behind spanking your partner can be exciting, it’s also what makes it a bit strange to bring up with a partner. 

“Hey, can you spank me?” 

What if they reject your fantasy

What if they don’t want to be the dominant you’re looking for or aren’t interested in being the submissive in your little game? 

While those are possibilities - you never know until you ask! 

Maybe opening the door to that conversation will excite something in your partner and get them intrigued by the idea. 

The Art of Spanking 

While spanking may seem pretty straightforward - did you know there are actually different kinds of spankings you can dole out to your naughty lover? Along with that, there are countless ways you can spank someone (using either your hands or different toys) and there are various areas that you should (and shouldn’t) spank.

Talk with your partner about what kind of spankings they would like to receive (or dole out, if you’re the naughty one). Whether you’ve tried spanking before or are completely new to the art of are some tips to help you set up your spanking game. 

It Doesn’t Have to Be Painful

It’s about drawing blood to the surface of the skin, making it sensitive. 

While spanking is often used in a dom/sub scene, you don’t have to completely dominate and punish your partner to participate in a little spanking. It can be something that’s fun and playful, used in combination with other foreplay acts to make specific areas of your partner’s body extremely sensitive. 

For example, you could spank your partner’s booty just enough that it brings that rush of blood to the surface. Once they are at just the right amount of sensitivity, you could move on to using a feather-ended toy (or giving little kisses to the slightly reddened area) that gives them more sensation now because the area is sensitive. 

How to Make Spanking Sexy  

Sexy spanking is typically done in the heat of the moment and is fairly harmless and playful. It could be something like a firm little smack on the butt to give the person on top a bit of encouragement or a playful spanking while you’re switching positions. 

The one doing the spanking can mix sensual sensations with the spankings, rubbing or tracing the area with their fingertips between slaps - really drawing out the sexy playtime.

Build Suspense and Anticipation 

One of the best things about spanking is the anticipation that can build up during your impact play. 

Whether you use a blindfold or your lover is on all fours and facing away from you - not being able to see when you’re going to deliver your next blow is going to give them a heightened sense of arousing anticipation.

You can play around with different time intervals between slaps and alternating where each blow will land (I like to even add a few kisses in there when my partner is blindfolded) because this sense of not knowing what sensation they will feel next can be wild hot. 

Watch Your Aim 

Spanking shouldn’t be random. There are quite a few different places on your lover’s juicy backside that you should be using when you’re spanking 

First, there’s the fleshiest part: the buttcheeks. 

You are going to want to aim for the fattiest, more well-padded parts of their buttcheeks - avoid the top of the buttcheeks because this is getting a bit closer to the tailbone, where having a spank delivered is sure to kill the mood (because it doesn’t feel good!) 

Landing a few quick slaps on the middle of your partner’s booty is going to give them a bit of a “ripple” effect that they are bound to feel radiating down towards their genitals. 

Next, you can move to the lower thighs. 

This area is a bit more sensitive than the buttcheeks, so delivering a few quick spanks to these areas can keep your lover on edge in all the best ways. 

Then, there’s the best area, the sweet spot that is between the thighs and the butt - right where your lover’s buttcheeks meet their thighs. This area is super sensitive and if you land your blows just right can give off the best kind of ripple effects. 

The areas you should definitely avoid is anywhere on the front of your partner’s body, anything that feels remotely hard, anything close to the pelvic bone or tailbone. A general rule should be that you spank anywhere between the middle area of their butt down to just above the backs of the knees. 

We want to inflict pleasure and a bit of positive pain, not cause lasting injuries - so watch your aim! 

When You Want to Inflict a Bit of Punishment & Pain

Just because spanking doesn’t have to be painful, doesn’t mean it can’t be. 

In fact, most people specifically enjoy spanking because of the pain it inflicts. 

This kind of punishment spanking is typically endured by those who have already established a dom/sub relationship and have set out rules, to which the submissive would have broken in order to receive the spanking. 

This kind of spanking definitely requires some ground rules and can be part of on-going experiences you and your lover share together. You may even take the rules outside of the bedroom, doling out punishments if your partner forgot to take out the trash this week or left their socks on the bedroom floor again. 

When participating in this kind of dynamic, it’s incredibly important to know your limits and the limits of your partner and to respect those boundaries.

Spanking in Role-Play 

Re-enacting a scene from a movie or book or putting yourselves into a completely foreign setting can be exciting and fun, and adding spanking into that sexy scenario can add to the pleasure of it. 

The role of the spanker is to initiate some kind of fantasy scene where the submissive (or spankee, let’s call them) has done something to deserve a spanking. Common role-plays can include sexy secretary (brought on by that scene with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal), a dom/sub role-play scenario or something of your partner’s choosing. 

Whatever the role play is, including some form of impact play like spanking into your fantasy can be incredibly sexy. 

When It Comes to Hardcore Spanking...

Hardcore spanking can be accomplished with your bare hands, but most of the time when it comes time to really step up your spanking game - tools can be your best friend. 

Hardcore spanking dips a bit more into the realm of BDSM by using paddles, floggers, canes and even restraint systems to bring a new kind of reality into punishment play. 

The spanker, in this situation, must be comfortable using toys like floggers and paddles - because there is a fine line between pleasure and inflicting real pain that can lead to injury. The submissive or spankee, in this situation, needs to feel comfortable enough with their dom that they can implement the use of their safe word if it gets to be too much. 

This sort of hardcore play often involves a level of comfort that can take practice to achieve - so starting here, with hardcore spanking, isn’t recommended. 

Some Ground Rules

While spanking and punishment sex scenes might seem unrehearsed and improvised in movies, this is real life….you don’t just go around slapping your lovers on their backsides without a bit of friendly conversation first, right? 

In fact, you should keep the conversation going throughout your play and check in with your partner once the deed is done to ask if there was anything they didn’t like. 

The first rule of spank club, if you will, is that it should never be done out of anger. 

The mood should be playful and fun, even in dom/sub situations where you are genuinely punishing them for breaking a rule - there should be no malice in your actions. 

There is a very fine line between pain and pleasure, and oftentimes the thing that distinguishes that line is the intention behind impact play. This is not a time to resolve anger between you or quite literally “lash out” at them for something you’re upset over. 

Agreeing on a safe word (or safe gesture, if your lover’s mouth is otherwise preoccupied) is also extremely important. When it comes to sex (especially kinky sex) consent is key and should never be glossed over for the sake of sex appeal. There needs to be an actual conversation about what you both want, what’s allowed and what is a hard no.

Lastly, aftercare is important. Some people like to be held after a good spanking session, some like to be reassured in some way. Pay attention to your partner’s mood after rough sex and be sure to be there for them in the ways they need. 

Also, pay attention to any kind of physical pain they may be in (as things can get heated and taken a step too far even if both sides agreed to it in the moment... it happens). 

Tools of the Trade

While simply using your hand to spank your partner may seem like the natural go-to...there is an entire world of equipment out there made specifically for punishing your naughty partner.

Let’s talk toys! 


Paddles are a great first step into the world of impact play toys. 

You can go for something cute and simple, like this XOXO Spanking Paddle By Sex & Mischief. Or, if you’re looking for something a bit more, level up your paddle play with a rounder paddle to cover more surface area. 

Not all paddles are created equal, though. 

Leather may seem sexy, but sometimes you want a little something different, like this old-school wooden paddle, which can be great if you’re re-enacting some sort of school-girl gone bad roleplay. And if you really want to up your game, there are paddles double as e-stim toys (meaning they actually give off a bit of an electric shock with every hit). 

If you’re interested in more of a slam or thunk (instead of a stinging sensation), paddles are the best toy for you and your partner.


Many people confuse a whip and a flogger. They are not the same thing! 

When you picture a dominatrix, you might assume she is holding a whip in her leather-gloved hand...but usually, what she is holding is going to be a flogger, not a whip. 

While many people use the term “whip” to describe a few different impact play toys (from paddles to canes) - actually knowing the difference between what is a whip and what is not is super important.

Whips are much more dangerous than other impact toys and need to be handled by people who understand how to use them on another person without seriously injuring someone. 

So what is the difference between a whip and a flogger? 

A flogger is a multi-tailed sex toy, whereas a whip just has one strand or tail (kind of like that whip Indiana Jones uses). 

A real whip can inflict quite a lot of pain and can leave permanent marks or deep cuts if incorrectly used - which is why it’s highly recommended that you start with floggers and only move up to an actual whip if you are experienced and confident that you know how to use a whip. 

If you’re interested, a few different websites (including PornHub) have instructional videos on getting started using bullwhips.

It’s important when learning something new (and potentially dangerous) like this, that you take your time and communicate often with your partner. Don’t expect the first time using a whip to be sexy - just focus on learning how to safely use the toy.


Not quite ready for a whip but want something more than a paddle? Floggers are perfect for beginners and experienced kinksters alike because there are so many different things you can do with them (and so many different options for which flogger you use). 

Personally, I love the thicker, leather flogger - preferably one with a handle and a strap. Many people enjoy more of the sensual touch, going for a silky or suede flogger

Talk with your partner about what sensation they want to feel and choose a flogger together! 


Canes are a whole other level and as such, are a bit harder to come by, so there are fewer options out there. The Fetish Fantasy Extreme Insane Cane (the name should tell you all you need to know about it) is one of the more popular ones I’ve come across, although I’ve not personally used it myself.

Canes are not a tool for the faint of heart. 

Woman in hat and whip showing no talk, black and white

Narrow impact tools deliver spankings much differently than other toys, so it’s best to practice lightly with a cane first to get a feel for how to use it. 


Bringing up a kink, fetish or fantasy with someone can make you feel a bit vulnerable...but if you want it, ask for it! 

Finding something you and your partner are both comfortable with and get satisfaction from can be a bit tricky but with some conversation and a little experimentation, you’ll find a good balance.