By the time it happened, it was long overdue. When we first started dating, my husband Rhody and I had flirted with the idea of a threesome. It was a thrill, dishing these hypothetical fantasies of soft honeys and new lips kissing ours together. But life happened. We disappeared into relationship Lala Land (as so many couples do) and conversations about including someone else in our bedroom got set on the shelf and, for the most part, abandoned.
Fast forward five years. After a summer full of revolutionary discussons about gender and sexuality, 2015 ended in both of us embracing our queer identities and questioning the meaning of monogamy. We dusted off our conversation about threesomes and picked it up where we’d left off.
But we weren’t in a rush. Like a game of verbal chicken, our conversations would careen towards group sex, and peter out before anything happened, until a whole year somehow passed. Each conversation drew us a little closer. We pulled apart angles and boundaries, fears and fantasies. Communication was, and still is, the meat of our companionship. We’re both firm believers that if we can’t talk about something, we’re not ready to do it.
We’ve now been poly for years, and have been in triad relationships where “I love yous” were exchanged. Some of those relationships forged changed my life. But at the time, we were both sure all we wanted was a casual fling – more “monogamish” than poly. A decade ago, when we met in the deep south, polyamory wasn’t a household term, and the notion of our relationship evolving beyond monogamy didn’t occur to me. But starting slowly, the fronds of desire started to unfurl in us both.
Everyone has different sexual boundaries – even in long-term relationships. Knowing your own limits first is essential to honoring and hearing others. As we talked about threesomes, my boundary was penetration with a new partner, for two reasons: it felt personal to me, at the time, and it’s also the easiest way to transmit STIs – something I’m still very careful about. But going without penetration has never been a deal-breaker for me, and I figured anyone queer enough to hop into a threesome with us was also game to relish the boundary of oral.
Because oral was the name of my game. Above any other desire, my husband and I had a shared fantasy of giving someone oral together. I hadn’t eaten someone out in about six years; to say I felt rusty was an understatement. And not to live up to negative pansexual stereotypes, but satiated as I was in my relationship, I’d missed getting frisky with other kinds of bodies. Thankfully, Rhody didn’t mind. With our shared goals in hand, we threw ourselves into the world of casual dating in search of someone as thirsty as we were.
Now that we’d turned the fantasy over and over in our heads until it was as smooth as a river stone in our palms, we were ready to throw ourselves out there and meet someone. I’d had a threesome once before, and it had just kind of happened, with no forward planning or discussion. As a consequence, I had only been interested in one of the two people I hooked up with. This time, I wanted to experience a threesome with vigor, attracted to each person in their own unique way. As for my husband, he’d never had a threesome, and was enthusiastic for a new experience.
We’d both heard whispers about an app called “Thrinder” that was a mythical Tinder-like app for threesomes. When we searched for it, Thrinder was nowhere to be found – but Feeld was. This queer-focused hookup app exceeded all our expectations. As two queerdos who’d been monogamous in a straight-assumed relationship for years, we’d found the app to help us live out our fantasies.
Sure, the app was free, and how hard could it be? But we were nervous and green. We wanted to be ourselves, and have that be sexy enough to entice a honey in the sack. But everyone else had these scintillating personas and alter egos on the screen.
A lot of straight couples looking for threesomes were as guarded as a mafioso’s Instagram. They’d post pictures featuring straight-laced outfits cropped to show them from the neck down. We weren’t about that life. It was serious, strange, and didn’t look like the other person’s pleasure was in mind at all. Instead, we just made our profile fun. We didn’t take ourselves too seriously, and kept it short and sweet, sharing our interests and encouraging our potential suitors to do the same. If someone didn’t like our levity, they probably wouldn’t like us in the bedroom either.
After a lot of hemming and hawing, we agreed on parameters too, like ages, distance, and genders (read: no cis dudes). I mostly identify as gay, with the glaring exception of my spouse, who’s a hunk and a half. For the most part though, a cis guy has always made me more uncomfortable than anything else.
With our profile made, we got to searching, and it didn’t take long to find what we were looking for – experimental and fun folks looking for a good time. And one person stuck out beyond the rest. She said her name was Jade. Everyone on Feeld uses a pseudonym – it’s part of the casual allure of the app. We messaged a little in the DMs, but she was down to business, and quick to give us her number and real name.
Texting her made me nervous, giddy. When was the last time I’d flirted with a girl? 2011, maybe 2012. It had been years, and I caught myself staring into space, thinking about the soft hips and thighs and kissable plushness of someone I’d never met.
It was a rush – one she was eager to translate to the real world. Rhody and I suggested going out beforehand to dance or get to know each other, but Jade was forward, saying, “I thought we could dive right into things, instead.”
The glow of the flirt creeping up my neck, we texted and found a time to meet. This threesome was about to take off.
She had wanted to dive right in, but we wanted to make sure we were all who we said we were, so we agreed to meet in a neutral space first, at a little wine bar down the street from Rhody and I’s place. Wanting to choose the right thing to later take off, I dressed to the nines in my finest booty-hugging dress. As a couple, we’re all about cute jewelry and looking pretty, so with our best earrings on, we headed out to meet Jade.
On the patio of the small bar, we waited. When she finally showed up, she was in terry cloth shorts and a running t-shirt. I felt my anxiety curl into a ball inside me – had I completely overdressed? I felt silly in my lipstick, when she looked like she’d just rolled out of bed to meet us. In hindsight, she probably felt as nervous as I did, and must have wondered if she had come underprepared. I guess at the end, it didn’t matter though. None of us planned on staying clothed for very long.
We sat at the bar for fifteen minutes, none of us drinking, and talked. It wasn’t as awkward as I’d worried, and although I felt coy, I was excited to flirt in real life with someone new. Learning the dynamic of Rhody and I flirting as a team excited me. I don’t remember the ten minute walk back to our place, but in my head, it must have been torture to be so close to her, this tall babe with curves and long black hair. She was casually beautiful, and with no effort knew how to bring the focus to the event we were all waiting for.
Back at our place, we all relaxed with a glass of wine and talked on the couch, slowly inching closer and closer. Her brain was as sultry as her body. Studying neuroscience, she had a lot to say and conversation flowed easily. Even in this first foray into the world of monogamish territory, I was quickly learning that brains were just as important to me as beauty – even for a night rooted in nothing but animal passion.
Eventually, the tension grew, and Rhody asked if he could put his hands on our legs. I was glad that he was forward enough to say something. Once he asked, it was a free for all, our hands roving along with the conversation. She was so smooth. As someone who often lets their leg hair grow until I can feel it rustling in the breeze as I bike downhill, her shaved legs were silky under my fingers.
Still, we just kept talking. The anticipation grew, my body swelling with tension. When would it happen? Would it ever? Even though I’m a sex writer, I’m shy in the dating game, even now. Some of my partners think it’s funny; others find it a little maddening, I think. But I can’t help it. My dating self is reserved. I’ll talk about sex theory all day, but when it comes time to make the move, I second guess myself to high heaven.
Jade must have been itching for this strange couple to make their first move just as much as I was wishing for her to go for it. Finally, achingly, agonizingly, it happened. We kissed. I can’t tell you who kissed who first, but my money’s on Rhody coming to the rescue again. Kissing her was a shock. It was the first time I’d kissed a new mouth in years, not counting a single kiss share between myself and a darling friend while Rhody and I sat with her in a hammock one hallucinogen-fueled night. Jade’s mouth was smaller than mine, and firm, and her tongue was a sleek and flickering beam in my mouth.
I felt those kisses shoot through me from temples to my toenails and breathed her in deep. Roving between kissing her and kissing Rhody made me face flush with desire, and the closeness of these new bodies drove me wild.
Somehow, we made it to the bedroom. And those terry cloth shorts may have been a question mark to me before, but when I could slide my hands across her skin so easily, I didn’t think about them as anything other than a blessing.
After making out for a while, my hands were between her legs and under her shorts. Her panties were cotton, like something straight out of a panty vendor’s catalog. It was a marvel how different we were. She was smooth skinned, casual in cotton, while I was hairy and lacy and covered in red lipstick. The juxtaposition was intoxicating. When my fingers slipped inside her, she was slick as peeled mango, and the pleasure of it rippled through me.
Eventually, we all three ended up naked, playing and kissing, and kissing and playing our way to paradise as we rolled around in our double bed. Eventually, Rhody’s head bobbed down to the space between Jade’s thighs. I was nervous, but I wanted to see – wanted to learn from someone I knew was a pro at it. As he licked, he looked me in the eyes, driving me wild. Until he asked me to come down and join him. My head alongside his, anxiety flickered in my belly. It had been half a decade since I’d put my tongue on someone’s clit before – what if I did it wrong? Or was so bad she stopped the whole thing and went home?
I realized then though, that if I didn’t start practicing, I’d never be good at it. So I dived in and gave it a try. Now, I know that the best part of a threesome is giving tandem oral.The joy of three bodies means more mouths to drive each other wild. When I started, I realized it was just like riding a bike, more or less. But my skills were a little rusty, so I turned to Rhody for guidance, who was more than happy to show me how he worked his magic. We took turns, drinking Jade down and down and down until she came. Then, we switched, taking turns with each other. At one point, Jade and I made out on top of each other, while Rhody pleasured us both.
That night, I got my first taste of giving someone anal stimulation, too. This has changed since, but it was a rush to put a plug in someone’s booty for the first time. I’d never been the penetrator beyond my fingers, and it was a powerful feeling, seeing her react in a new way at this kind of touch. I suddenly understood how exciting it must feel to use a dildo, or any other kind of penetrating toy with a partner to make them writhe with pleasure .
Finally, after we played again and again, we were all spent. Knowing our tryst for what it was, Jade left soon after, not staying to spoon. But with a number in hand, I had a feeling we’d see each other again.
I wasn’t wrong.
Since that first juicy foray, I’ve had more group sex than I can count. Now, I think of threesomes not as a novelty act or titillating on their own, but a way for adults to explore their sexuality and get off with each other. Jade was only the beginning of a sexual revolution for me and my husband both.
Experiencing giving new people pleasure, and allowing others to pleasure me has made me confident in my body, even as I gain weight and wrinkles over the years. Embracing our sexiness doesn’t always come easily, but if there’s one way to do it, it’s knowing you have the power to pleasure two people at once. Talk about a confidence booster.
But Jade taught me more than to feel myself. My experience with her gave me the fledgling concepts of what it means to be poly – and what not to do in the future.
As fun as that time with Jade was, when I glance at it in my rearview, I know it wasn’t totally without hiccups. Although Rhody and I were well-versed in consent, we didn’t know the term “couple privilege.” I thought that we’d checked enough off our to-do list by being focused on explicit consent. Throughout the evening, we told her multiple times that she could change her mind at any time, and that if she wanted to just talk, we could do that. We also offered to call her a Lyft if she needed one.
Still, I had no idea that couple privilege influences our personal and sexual lives at every turn, for better or for worse. Since then, I’ve learned better and read great articles on the topic, which have helped me be a better partner and lover in even the most casual encounters.
Now, I know to bring up couple privilege, and ask my partners what they need from me. I’m still operating in a system I benefit from. In my ideal world, I’d do everything right and never need to get called out by a lover, but at the same time, I try to create a space where they can tell me when I do something wrong. By learning to change and communicate more equitably, I can be a lover my partners deserve.
Giving your newest partner even footing isn’t a passive act. You have to commit to being beautifully vulnerable with one another at each and every step. Going into it, it’s vital to be clear about your own boundaries – but don’t expect your newest partner(s) to have the same boundaries as you.
It blows my mind, but some people really do go into a threesome saying “you can have sex, but you can’t kiss us” to the newcomer in the group. It’s very weird, and doesn’t take the other person’s sexual satiation into account. It feels like the couple is treating the new partner like an object. Talk about things in a way that puts you all on even ground.
It’s okay to have boundaries, but if you’re not comfortable with your partner penetrating someone new, then you shouldn’t be penetrated during that threesome, either. Before the clothes come off, talk vulnerably about your fantasies and limits. It doesn’t have to be awkward, and in fact is usually incredibly sexy.
To make it work, talk about it. Even though we date plenty of people together, we don’t often engage in penetration with a new partner. That’s because, for a long time, penetration was hard for me. Any time we did it, it felt more like “practice” than anything else. Seeing two people engage in it in the same bed as me made me feel both uncomfortable and inadequate. My partners, at least the ones that weren’t one night stands, knew and honored that boundary, so we satisfied one another orally and digitally instead – and it was wonderful.
When you voice your limits, and your partners individually voice their own too, you can all have a night that slakes that thirst while keeping all boundaries intact.
The scariest thing about a threesome is the lack of experience. Nobody likes to admit they don’t know how to give good oral. But it’s okay. Jade knew I hadn’t eaten someone out in years, and it was clear I was inexperienced. Instead of pretending I was a master, I got to learn instead. I wish I’d asked her what got her off most (and now I do ask partners that), but we get so intimidated by criticism that we don’t take the plunge.
But come on, isn’t the hottest thing a lover can ask, “What can I do to drive you wild?”
Take your time getting there, but if you’ve been curious, take the plunge. Start exploring your sexiest self, threesomes and all. My first threesome with my husband opened me up to a new world of love, intimacy, and vulnerability. That night with Rhody and Jade taught me about the untapped potential of my relationship to sex.
A threesome may change the way you aporoach sex forever – but don’t be afraid. Odds are, it’s for the very best.
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