The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Masturbation

Hey, fellow Lazy Girls, it’s me - your Queen here, with another Lazy Girl’s guide...this time, to master the art of effortless (and oh-so-satisfying) self-pleasure. 

Female masturbation is, well, an art. 

If you’re an adult woman, chances are you have a few years of self-pleasure under your belt (pun very much intended) - you know what works and what doesn’t (for the most part) but you’re always up for new ways to climax. 

But masturbating is time-consuming and extremely frustrating when you just can’t seem to get where you need to be. 

Well, here are a bunch of effortless self-love tips from one Lazy Girl to another.

Appreciate Your Own Bod

One of the best things you can do to spice up your masturbation sessions is to understand this one simple fact: you are sexy! 

And I’m about to prove it to you.

Your body (no matter the size) is absolutely gorgeous, and when you realize that, you unlock this mystical, magical, mind-blowing state of existence where you are more in tune with your body. You are able to have a healthier, happier self-pleasure life because you just feel better about yourself. 

And trust me when I say there is a huge difference between knowing what you need to get yourself off and knowing what you need to have an amazing masturbation sesh. 

Not feelin’ it? You’re not alone - insecurity is one of the biggest deterrents to having a healthy sex (and masturbation) life. 

Feeling more confident is much easier said than done but here are some science-backed ways you can improve your self-confidence to make yourself feel sexier. 

Never doubt the benefits of positive self-talk. 

As cheesy as it sounds, your highschool guidance counselor was right: positive self-talk works. According to this 2015 study, positive affirmations activate reward centers in our brains. 

Telling yourself that you are sexy, you are beautiful, you are worthy of self-love of the highest caliber will make you feel that truth in that, making it much easier to pamper yourself. 

Splurge on your favorite perfume. 

Smelling great leads to feeling great which leads to great orgasms. It’s science. 

According to this 2011 survey, 90% of women said they felt more confident while wearing their favorite perfume. 

What does confidence do for our self-love time? It makes it easier because we’re feeling good. What do orgasms do for our self-confidence? Boosts it (because who doesn’t feel amazing after an orgasm)? 

And then more confidence leads to more sex appeal which leads to more confidence and around and around we go. 

Send nudes (to yourself). 

Taking sexy photos of yourself can be really fun and can make you feel really, really sexy. Make a night of it - have some wine, put on some easy-to-wear lingerie and do a little photo-shoot. 

Sure, this takes a bit more effort than just stripping down to the mismatch bra and panty set you wore all day, but trust me when I tell you that artful, beautiful and flattering photos of yourself can get you into the mood for some particularly satisfying self-loving. 

Be more active on socials (take more selfies!)

Selfies get a bad wrap - but let’s talk facts: taking photos of yourself makes you feel great. In this study, 65% of women claimed that seeing their selfies on social media made them feel more confident. 

A girl with a sexy secret...

Sexting with a new fling, flirting with the guy at your local coffee shop, wearing vibrating panties (which we’ll get into more later) or doing something else that feels like a naughty little secret is a great way to ensure you’re feeling fine and ready to rock by the time you’re able to be alone. 

New bra and panty sets or wearing lingerie just for fun.

That’s right, splurge, girl! Buy yourself that new bra and panty set that makes you feel like a goddess when you wear it. 
A little tip: try the color red. This 2017 study proves people feel bolder, more confident and more attractive when they are wearing bold colors (red in particular).

Make Your Preferred Porn Easy to Find

There’s a reason why guys in movies have a “porn” folder tucked away somewhere on their computer...it’s because it makes masturbation easier! 

Scrolling through porn websites can be fun but it can also take a long time to find something that sets the right mood - but having a few videos locked and loaded in a folder on your laptop somewhere will ensure you have just the right materials for the job, if you know what I mean. 

If you’re not interested in having porn saved to your computer, there are lots of other ways you can organize your favorite porn websites so it’s easier to find what you want in a pinch. 

For example, PornHub releases a set of stats every year that shows some of the most searched content broken down by gender, age, geographical region, etc. You can find the 2019 stats here for reference.

Taking a peek at the stats you can choose select keywords to search for on the site that you know will give good results.

Try Audio Porn Instead of Searching For Just the Right Video

Slipping on my headphones, I sunk into the warm water, letting the bubbles caress my skin. I pressed “play”. I could hear a man clear his throat and start to talk. His voice was the only thing I heard, the only thing I wanted to hear. 

He described what he would do to me. What he wanted me to do to him. What he wanted us to be doing together. I was instantly hooked and I felt my hands trail down my chest drawing closer and closer, and soon enough my fingers found their way to just the right spot. 

How amazing does that sound, ladies? Well - audio porn is really that easy. 

While you were searching various porn websites for a video that is just the right type of people you find attractive with just the right camera angles to really get you going, I managed to navigate an audio porn website, find a guy’s voice I found attractive and let him lead me to climax all before you reached “page 2” of your search. 

I have news for you: audio porn is the future of female masturbation. 

Your imagination (and some sexy guy’s voice) can be all you need to get you off. There are all different kinds of audio porn, too - from ASMR masturbation moan tracks to extremely detailed “girlfriend experience” date night tracks, whatever you need, you’ll be able to find an audio track that can help you imagine your way to an amazing orgasm (or two). 

And here are some of the best sites for audio porn (you’re welcome): 

TryQuinn - a female-focused audio porn platform that has a wide variety of choices from moaning and ASMR to full erotica stories. This is by far the platform I use the most when I masturbate, even more than PornHub, mostly because it’s fun to put on a track and see where the story takes me. 

Voxx - a French audio porn website that is mostly jerk off instructions and erotic stories. This one is more for when you’re feeling particularly curious and you’ll definitely enjoy it more if you speak French (or if you have a language kink or accent fetish, like myself.) 

Mr. Racy - a platform where the host, Mr. Racy himself, gives opinions on various audio files that he includes on the site. I like this because the descriptions are things like “good for when you’re in the mood to…” and this can make it really easy to pick what you want to listen to.
Aural Honey - another female-focused site where you can choose your preferred persona and search from there. It’s an interesting and quick way to find something that suits the mood you’re in.

Your “Go-To” Vibrator (or Maybe an Upgrade…)

Nothing says “quick and easy masturbation” quite like your favorite vibe on stand-by. Whether it’s a rabbit vibe, a couple’s toy you use on yourself or your favorite dildo, having something you know works to get you off is essential to mastering the art of effortless self-pleasure. 

One of the best styles of toy you know will always get the job done (in my humble opinion) is a rabbit style vibrator that penetrates and also has some kind of clitoral stimulator. 

Lelo Ina 2 

This is one of my personal favorites - the Lelo Ina 2 comes with 8 modes, 10 different speeds, and Lelo is an exceptional company. I've always had really great customer service experiences with them and they have stellar blog articles on many of their toys as well. 

Lovense Nora 

Alright - if you’re looking into something a bit more high-tech, here’s your chance...a vibrator that allows you to create your own vibration patterns using their app. This rabbit-style vibrator has a rotating head for extra g-spot stimulation, too. 

Be right back, heading over to Amazon to order this one right now! 

Svakom Alice

This one makes the list because of one big plus: it’s waterproof. Take it into the shower and add a little bit of pulsating shower-head action (which we’ll get more into later) and you’ll be climaxing within minutes. 

Again - a Lazy Girl’s fantasy. 

If you’re in the market for a new toy - do some research, ask around in some forums, read reviews. I’m telling you: choosing the right kind of sex toy can really make or break your masturbation session and trust me - you’re going to want a toy that has it all.

Mutual Masturbation Over Sex, Because Sometimes That’s Just Easier

Maybe your partner isn’t feeling too great and doesn’t want to risk you getting sick or you’re on your period and your man isn’t into period sex - mutual masturbation is here to save the day. 

Masturbating alongside your partner might seem a bit awkward at first, but it can be really, really hot. Not only are you doing it yourself (so you can quickly find what works and stick with it) but you’re also essentially watching a live porn show starring your own partner, which is the ultimate fantasy. 

Talk to each other. 

This is where dirty talk shines. As you’re both pleasuring yourselves, talk about what you like, what you want to do to each other next time you sex, what you’re picturing your lover doing to you right now. 

It’s a fun way to make masturbation a bit sexier.

Tell him what you’re doing (so he knows for later…) 

As I said, you’re doing the work yourself - you know how to get yourself there easily...so why not share that privileged info with your partner? Tell him exactly how you’re touching yourself in order to give him some not-so-subtle pointers on what to do next time. 

Take instructions. 

There is nothing (I repeat: nothing) sexier than telling your partner how to touch themselves and then watching them do it. Maybe it’s my inner Switch bitch talking here - but there is literally something in this for everyone. 

Are you dominant? Demanding your partner touch themselves in a certain way is the ultimate power - you literally hold their ability to climax in your every breath. 

Maybe you’re submissive. If that’s the case, being instructed on how to climax (and when) is part of what makes being submissive so sexy.

Shower Masturbation - Quick and Easy

Girl - if you are not taking advantage of shower or bathtub masturbation, what are you even doing!? A showerhead, the jets on your jacuzzi tub or a simple waterproof bullet vibe makes steamy showers all the more erotic (plus easy clean up after!) 

The power of the shower.

I have a fairly serious thing going with my showerhead, if I’m being totally honest. It’s pretty fantastic. 

A pro tip: if you have a shower bench (or the ledge of your tub will also do), sit on that and let the heavy stream of water do its thing. 

Feeling sensual? Bathtub masturbation is great.

Drawing a bath, watching a bath-bomb fizzle and swishing around the color-dyed water all the while sipping on a glass of wine with music playing in the background - could I set a better scene for some sensual self-lovin’? 

And don’t forget about waterproof vibrators!

Waterproof vibrators are a thing every woman needs, and they don’t have to be super expensive either. In fact, you’d likely prefer them not to be too expensive (as more expensive ones are usually water-resistant instead of water-proof).

Foreplay All Day

What better way to speed up your masturbation than to already be hot and ready by the time you’re able to switch on that rabbit-style dildo? 

Fashion. Lovely woman in lingerie

Adding little hints of foreplay into your entire day can put you in quite the mood, making your self-love time that much more intense when you finally have the time. 

How do I incorporate foreplay when I’m alone? Well...

Why not try a sexy side hustle?

What if your job turns you on so much that by the time you’re finished the day’s work, you’re itching to open your naughty drawer and rub one out? That’s what it’s like to be a sex blogger, a cam girl, a used panties seller

All of these sexy side hustles are great ways to make yourself feel confident and sexy all throughout the day. 

And then there are vibrating panties...

What about slipping a bullet vibe into your panties and turning it on and off all day? Talk about revving your own engine, ladies. 

I’ve done this (while hard at work) and it’s by far one of the best ways to spice up your masturbation. Nothing makes masturbating feel as good as some orgasm edgeplay with yourself.

Phone Sex

Well, Lazy Girls, it appears we’ve come full-circle - we’re back at phone sex (which was the original Lazy Girl Guide). 

Phone sex is a great way to really get the vibe flowing, to share your masturbation with someone else but still ultimately do what you want when you want, how you want. 

The glory of effortless phone sex is that it can be a bit like interactive porn, you have someone on the other end of the line who is able to rev your engine but in the end, it’s your own hands (and maybe some toys) that can get the job done.

Conclusion…

Rediscover the art of masturbation by making it as easy as possible to make yourself feel as great as possible. It can really be that simple. 

The more accessible and good you make masturbation for yourself, the more you’ll love it.
Your confidence will skyrocket, your days will feel brighter and your immune system will be healthier (not to mention your skin clearer, your memory better…) - there are tons of great health benefits from orgasms

Treat yourself, Lazy Girl, to erotic, empowering and essentially effortless self-love sessions. 

Sincerely, Queen of Laze.