The ultimate guide to shower sex

There’s a battle going on out there. Media outlets and pop culture just can’t seem to agree on one pressing question: is shower sex actually a thing? If you believe your favorite television series, then shower sex is every couple’s go-to move when it’s time to throw something new in the mix. But click an article from any major publication that dishes on sex, and you’ll be left thinking that shower sex is the single worst idea in the history of getting down.

And I get it – as hot as it is, shower sex can sound like a concussion waiting to happen. It doesn’t help that articles on the “hottest positions” are so disconnected from the average person’s bank account status that they suggest moves like lying down in the shower – as if we have some Kendall Jenner level bathrooms to work with. Between the risks and the unachievable goals, it’s no wonder that some people despise shower sex with a passion.

But I’m here to set the record straight, once and for all: getting frisky under suds and steam with your partner(s) rules, and you can have a blast whether you’re squeezed into a stall built for one or a celeb-style sunken tub. 

The reason you might have had trouble with shower sex in the past? You may just have been doing it wrong.

Start by rethinking how you define sex

I don’t want to blame straight people (again) for messing things up for the rest of us, but I call it like I see it. When it comes to shower sex, straight couples have been approaching it all wrong. As someone in a straight-assumed relationship where both of us identify as queer, trust me when I say I’m not claiming that all couples featuring two different types of genitalia are having shower sex incorrectly. 

It’s specifically straight folks. That’s because queer couples embrace one vital piece of wisdom in all their sexual encounters: we know that penetration is not the only (or even best) way to get down. 

If you wrinkle your nose at shower sex because you can’t imagine how to smoothly get to penetration town, then you have a point: penetration isn’t always easy in the shower. In fact, it’s downright tricky. In the quest for the right angle, you might slip out, struggle to get the deepest fit, or lose your footing altogether – and if there’s one surefire way to ruin the mood, it’s with a trip to urgent care.

Skip that step and refocus your game, because in the shower, oral reigns supreme. Case in point: when I started writing this article, I wandered out into the kitchen to ask my husband what he liked most about shower sex. His answer? The way the water hits his head and back as he goes down on me. As soon as he said it, I realized he was right. The hot water drumming your back as you’re on your knees pleasuring your partner, who’s safely against the wall or holding a railing, is its own slice of heaven. And at the mere mention of it, I was tempted to suggest a shower then and there. 

To make the most of oral in the shower, be generous with nature’s lube (that’s saliva, my friends). Although water is wet, it’s actually a terrible lubricant and can cause uncomfortable levels of friction. 

Focus on giving your partner pleasure, rather than on the endgame of your own orgasm. When you delight in your lover’s delight, you heighten your own release when it’s your turn. Up that anticipation by listening to your partner’s moans and sighs, and respond to the ripples in their muscles as you drive them over edge after edge.

You’re squeaky clean

One of the reasons a shower is perfect for all kinds of oral stimulation is because you and your lover’s sweet bodies are clean as they’re ever going to be. Especially if you and your partner aren’t the kinds of people who shower daily (guilty as charged), washing away all that extra funk goes a long way in bringing your beau joy while they eat you out. But that fresh feeling isn’t only a treat for cunnilingus and giving head. When you’re nice and clean in the shower, you and your partner are primed for exploring that sweet booty. 

Many of us are already eager and willing to lick those buns, but even a germophobe could be game so long as they know their lover is nice and clean – and there’s arguably no cleaner place to get experimental with anilingus than in the shower. 

Before dropping to your knees and going to town, wash each other down, taking care to scrub those most intimate places. Then, as you rinse the soap down the drain, press your partner chest first against the wall, so their back is to you. Let the steaming water stream down your back as you flick your tongue along their anus. But be careful! Stick to the tongue only as you play, and avoid any anal penetration unless you have lube handy in your shower caddy.Don’t limit your imagination to only sudsing up what’s below the belt. Showering is a great opportunity to run your hands all over each other’s bodies. Work up a lather on your partner’s breasts (or your own), and lose yourself in those slick, circular motions. Don’t stop there; keep exploring other parts of your partner’s body. Wash their thighs, back, arms, and ribs, and press your soapy body against their own as you do – that slickness is an erotic sensation in and of itself, and a good scrub is a perfect opportunity to discover your partner’s lesser-tapped erogenous zones.

Embrace the steamy, steamy goodness

I’m no stranger to writing about the joys of sensory play. Incorporating and honoring all five senses in every sexual encounter is sure to take any rendezvous from good to dazzling. Shower play lets you honor the most obvious of the five senses: your sense of touch. The pommeling of hot water against your bare skin heightens any makeout sesh with a different kind of pleasure, and the steam warms your body head to toe. 

But there’s another benefit to the shower you may not have considered. When the water and steam envelop you so wholly, sex becomes an almost meditative act. Stealing intimate moments with a honey can be rife with distractions: cell phones buzzing, roommates or kids just down the hall. Even a dog barking down the street can peel you from the moment. But when it’s just you and your partner under the flowing water, the combination of white noise and that steady stream help you lock into the moment and stay there, keeping your thoughts on your partner’s slick body, and nothing else.

No makeup allowed

While not being able to present as your most curated self could seem like a negative, showering together gives you the chance to let loose with a new honey in a way you might not have before. We’re all taught that our tidiest self is the sexiest one, but is it really? When I think of lovers in moments that made me shiver, it was when they lost control, hair in front of their face and their cheeks flushed with pleasure. 

Letting the water wash your makeup away and ease any product out of your hair frees you. Just like how the sensory overload of a shower can put you into a focused state, not worrying about your makeup being smudged or your hair looking nice lets you react to pleasure however works best for you. Even for casual lovers, this stripped-down intimacy lets you have fun with each other without it being performative, leading you to more satiating sex and a more experimental mind.

Tiny space? Not a problem!

Unless you live in a mansion, odds are your shower is relatively small. But as someone who spent two years having sex in a camper that fit on my truck bed, I know what it’s like to get frisky in a tight space. Although a Craigslist windfall has since granted me a dreamy king sized bed, I still know a thing or two about how to have fun with two (or more!) lovers in the smallest of spaces, and a tight fit never means sex is off the table – especially in the shower. 

Instead, a small space to get it on can enhance your pleasure thanks to a little something called communication. When there’s not much room to move about the cabin, you’re forced to tell your partner exactly what you want and where your boundaries lie. If a position is uncomfortable, speak up – you’ll find another one that works..

Embrace the sensuality in this kind of constraint. Sex in the shower gives you a handful of positions and options to work with, so learn to use them to your advantage. Rather than writing off shower play because you lack some elbow room, work with what you have. The shower walls, for instance, are perfect for pinning your partner. With limited mobility up your sleeve, consider this an opportunity to wow your partner as you master those tight new moves.

Bust out your favorite toys

Shower sex may strip you down to the basics, but it doesn’t have to be vanilla. If you want to add a little twist to your game, go beyond oral and digital fun to get the job done. These days, many quality toys are shower-friendly – and I don’t just mean those veiled electric loofahs.

To spice up your play, enjoy some penetration during oral, by investing in a suction cup dildo that can attach to the shower floor or tile wall. Hands free, you can go to town while going down on your partner, or enjoy anal stimulation while your partner is buried deep between your thighs. If you’re fresh on the butt lovin’ scene, the shower is a great chance to experiment with a plug. Shop for one that’s the perfect size, or even ones specially curved to hit that prostate.

As great as those sensations are, we all know pleasure doesn’t end at adding a penetrative twist. Waterproof toys of all shapes and sizes abound, like this waterproof vibrator. One of the more unique vibes I’ve ever seen, this toy isn’t your average bullet. Instead, it’s two vibes that go on your pointer and middle fingers, secured to a cuff on your wrist. These tiny vibes are each about the size of a dime and offer your hand a full range of motion, making you free to rove across your partner’s body, adding to the drumming of the water on their back, and sending their pleasure into hyperdrive. 

For all my kinky friends out there, you can spring for a pair of shower cuffs with strong suction power. Your steamy shower will get a whole lot hotter as you lock your partner in place and tantalize them with your mouth, fingers, and toys.

The best part about taking toys into the shower? Cleanup is a breeze. Stash your favorites in a special bathroom drawer, so you’re ready to play whenever the mood strikes.

Use that detachable shower head

Not willing to spring for a vibrator? If you have a detachable shower head, you’re still good to go. This is the classic powerful massager that has played the starring role in many people’s solo scrubbing sessions – and now it’s time to bring it to the front for some partnered play. Take turns massaging your partner’s erogenous zones with a targeted stream of water, or tease them by alternating between the shower head and your mouth.

If you go for penetration, make the most of it

Even when your partner is the queen of using their hands and mouth, sometimes penetration is the only thing that’ll scratch that itch. While you can enjoy penetration with a suction cup dildo in just about any position, there’s something about a partner’s touch that makes penetration that much sweeter. Regardless of if your beau has a penis, is holding a dildo, or brought a strap-on into the shower, there are a few ways you can open up for ultimate access. 

The most common position? Standing doggy style. Perfect for both anal and vaginal sex, this position also opens you right up for a stellar rim job. To broaden those sexy horizons, consider investing in this suction footrest so you can pop a foot up however you need to ensure your partner hits all the right places. If you can’t spring for a new toy right now, propping a foot on the rim of your bathtub or wall of your shower can serve you just as well.Although penetrative shower sex is one of the more common ways to hurt yourself while getting frisky, if you’re smart and stay within your body’s limits, you can still have an amazing time wrapped up in all that steam.

Whatever you do, be sure to remember lube

Lube in the shower may seem redundant, but it’s actually one of the most important places to remember to use it. Water increases friction as you rub up against each other, meaning you both run the risk of getting raw from penetrative play. There’s nothing worse than not being able to play for days because you failed to lube on up.

If you’re using a condom, the consequences of dryness are more dire: friction can tear condoms, rendering them useless. The best solution is to leave a bottle of lube in the shower, so you’re ready to go on a moment’s notice – so long as you don’t mistake it for shampoo.

And make no mistake: a condom is still a must. Just because you’re getting squeaky clean, don’t think you can skip protection – you’re still as likely to contract STIs in the shower as you are in a bed. If you’re playing with a casual partner or are in an open relationship, the number one way to show your respect is by playing safely. Condoms, especially when lubed up, work just fine in the shower, and let you have wet and wild fun with that hot one night stand without worries. To make sure you don’t forget them in the heat of the moment, leave a few condoms in your bathroom drawer, so you’re always ready to go.

Minimize the risk of a tear by using a liberal amount of water-based or silicone-based lube while you play. The gliding sensation will be a scintillating contrast to the hot water coursing down your back. 

If you and your partner have both been tested and don’t use condoms, you should still incorporate lube into your shower game – but this time, you can use not only water-based and silicone-based ones, but oil as well. My favorite? My husband and I keep a jar of unrefined coconut oil in the shower for whenever the need arises. It’s slick, cheap, and tastes great.

Showering together is the chance for connection

I have a confession. I’m not just promoting showering together for the sake of having sex. Since moving in with my husband all the way back in 2012, we’ve showered together almost every single time, barring our camper-dwelling stint when we showered at the gym. There’s something so intimate, sexy, and personal about being in there together every single time. In that short timeframe, we get to embrace the micro movements of our sexuality and intimacy.

It’s not all about penetration, and it’s not even about orgasms. Instead, when you’re in the shower with a partner, intimate moments form that you wouldn’t enjoy anywhere else. Sometimes, you hold each other under the water, a small pool forming between your chests. You might just wrap your arms around your love and breathe in the steam. One of my favorite moments is when I get to drink water off of my partner’s (clean) shoulder – it’s an excuse to hold him, and to be tender, even if it’s just for a second.

This morning, I got to wash his back. Then, he washed mine. This small act let me trace my fingertips over my love’s smooth back, rest on his shoulders, follow his hips. Sometimes, we spend time kissing under the showerhead, or even just hugging. These little moments are so far removed from my work deadlines, the news, or the fact that I need to call my sister. For me, showering with my love each and every time is a joy. It’s an opportunity to connect without distractions, far away from my ever-looming to-do list. 

While I won’t go so far as to say my sex life is so great because we always shower together, I can confidently say it helps. Sharing our shower time gives us many small moments of intimacy, little spurts of sexuality, that keep us both satisfied – even when we’re so busy we may not be on each other like rabbits. A passionate kiss under the water, or lathering up his chest, are moments of bliss to keep me going between everything on my plate. 

Even better, the hot shower happens to be where many of us get our best ideas. Instead of letting them evaporate with the steam, it’s nice to be able to share your thoughts with your partner as they come up. Many things that were hazy seem clear once you hash them out together mid-shampoo. Of course, all that being said, we’re a (blissfully) childless couple. We both get ample alone time. For some folks, the shower is the only moment they get to enjoy alone – why would they surrender that silence to another person? 

If that sounds like you, compromise. Shower together once a week – and don’t pressure each other into thinking it has to lead to sex. Sometimes it will, but other times, you may just relax into their touch, and take that small moment of closeness as sacred.

Get wet and wild tonight

Life is short, and a shower’s even shorter. If you’ve written this off as nothing more than romance novel hype, give it a try – and get inventive. Shower sex may not be the sex olympics, but the sensory play and languid exploration make up for any positions you can’t squeeze in.