For many people, monogamy is a line you draw in quick-dry cement.
“This is our relationship square and we both need to stay with feet planted hard inside the lines for things to work.”
For other people, those monogamy lines are more often drawn in the sand rather than cement, with the potential of those lines becoming a bit...blurred.
I like to refer to these people being “monogam-ish”.
They are monogamous, for the most part, but are open to the idea of leaving a little for the occasional step outside the “relationship box.”
Completely non-monogamous couples may have various levels of fun with other couples: threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, swinger parties, the list goes on...a hall pass may also be on that list. But a hall-pass can also be on a monogamous couple’s wish-list as well - that’s the beauty of it.
Hall-passes are fairly accessible because it’s a one-time thing. You can choose to repeat it if the night goes well - or you can choose to never do anything like it ever again. For monogamous couples, it’s a great way to test boundaries and experiment without the pressure of swinging with another couple or the intensity of a planned threesome.
For monogam-ish couples, blurring these relationship lines can be a bit tricky - but when it’s done right, it can be the ultimate fantasy brought to life.
A hall pass: a one night, no-strings-attached, guilt-free night with someone who is not your spouse. The chance to try a new ice cream flavor even though you already have a lifetime supply of your favorite.
Before we dive into how to broach the subject with your spouse, how to find an actual third party to your hall-pass and dealing with the aftermath of it all, let’s define a few things in super-simple terms, so we’re all on the same page.
Monogamy: engaging in a sexual/romantic relationship with only one person at a time.
Polyamory: engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all people involved.
Polygamy: having more than one long-term partner at a time (think sister-wives).
Swinging: the practice of engaging in group sex or swapping of sexual partners within a group.
As you can see, “monogam-ish” likely falls somewhere between monogamy and polyamory. You’re not quite an open relationship but you’re willing to step outside the confines of a strictly two-person relationship, even if it’s just for one night.
How do you broach this subject with your spouse? You don’t want to make them feel insecure, hurt or inadequate...I mean - you’re basically asking permission to sleep with someone else. In monogamous relationships, that’s considered a big no-no.
First, you should ask yourself a really important question...one that may require a bit of soul-searching.
Understanding why you want to have sex with someone who is not your long-term monogamous partner is important because maybe there is an unhealthy underlying reason.
Going into this with malicious intent or not being totally content in your marriage is a recipe for disaster.
Consider a few scenarios (below) - if you answer “no” to these, you’re on the right track.
Now that we’ve sorted out all the touchy-feely bits of why we want this - we can dive into actually making it happen.
A hall pass. A one night stand with someone who is not your spouse.
First - you should preface the conversation with a blanket statement that is something like this: “if you are not okay with this, we won’t do it.”
Your partner should feel no pressure about saying “yes” to your request to sleep with someone else. While it is likely something you’re really excited about, don’t let your excitement play a role in guilting them into agreeing to something they aren’t really happy with.
Next - explain (very clearly) what you would like to happen. If you’re interested in going to the bar and picking up a random stranger to have sex with - say exactly that. If you’re interested in having sex with your neighbor Jen, say that.
Be honest and clear about what you want and why you want it. Be clear about your motivations and about what this is (and isn’t) for you.
Then - you should explain that the plan can be changed to make them feel more comfortable. If they want to choose the person at the bar you are to be having sex with, maybe you can do this. If they veto the neighbor thing but say it’s okay to sleep with Alex from poker-night that you hardly ever see anyways - go with that idea.
Let them know that they are allowed to have a say in how this unfolds.
Lastly - after explaining what you want, ask them how they feel about all of that.
Ask them to be honest. Maybe tell them they can think it over for a few days. Let them know you’re in no hurry to have this done (which might be a blatant lie, because sleeping with someone else sounds fun), but the most important thing is that they take their time in making a decision and don’t feel pressured into saying yes.
If they have agreed to your plan, things are a go. Try to contain your insane excitement for a while so you can put some boundaries into place.
Being clear about what you want to get out of this.
Being clear with your partner about why you wanted this was all part of getting them on board - but here’s where things get technical.
What would you like to happen with this third person? Who would you like this third person to be?
These kinds of questions bring us to boundaries.
What’s allowed to happen? There are so many ways this could go down…
Maybe your spouse is okay with P in V sex but doesn’t want the intimacy of kissing or oral sex to happen between their spouse and someone else.
Or maybe your partner doesn’t want to know anything about what happens and wants you to just go out and have fun for one night.
And maybe (just maybe), your partner is interested in being granted a hall-pass for the same evening. Maybe they want this to be a true one-night-of-freedom from your relationship for both of you.
What would be really wild is if your partner wants to watch - which is something you’ll never know unless you talk to them about it. Maybe they want to be watching from your house as you film the whole thing in a hotel room, like watching some kind of live-porn show.
A little tip...talking about all options and slowly ruling out which ones don’t work for both of you is the best way to sort out what will work.
Figuring out who this third party is might actually impact what boundaries you create - for example, a stranger from a bar: your partner may be fine with “anything goes” kind of sex...but with Jen from next door or Alex from poker-night, maybe things need to be a bit more clear because these people are actually people you know.
Figuring out the technicalities like this can take some time, so be patient with each other and really take the time to discuss these things.
You can (and maybe should) even have some kind of boundaries set out in writing so there is no confusion over what’s going to happen. Think of it like a hall-pass sex contract.
While you can never really know what’s going to be a problem until it’s a problem, you do know each other very well and can maybe do some problem solving before things really get going.
If you know your spouse has a jealousy streak over your neighbor Jen, maybe don’t even suggest any of your neighbors (or anyone you know) being an option for your hall-pass.
If you know your lover puts a great deal of intimacy into the act of oral sex, you can say right from the start that oral sex is off the table.
Coming up with these kinds of solutions before they become problems lets your partner know you’re wanting to do whatever it takes to make this an easy and fun process for both of you.
So, you’ve decided you (and/or your spouse) gets a hall pass to sleep with someone else. How do you go about finding this other person?
First...Tinder (or other “typical” dating apps).
It’s totally and completely possible that you can meet a perfectly good one night stand who can accept that you’re married and just want one night of fun on a typical dating site. It’s not super common - but it’s possible.
All you have to do is be super honest in your profile. You’re a husband (or wife) looking to have one night of meaningless fun with a stranger and your spouse is aware and okay with it.
Grindr, OkCupid, and Bumble are also options here.
Then we move on to the apps where this will be far more common...apps like FetLife (a social network for the BDSM community) and Feeld (a dating app for couples & singles).
Medium has a really great breakdown of non-monogamy dating apps listed here to help.
If you’re looking to pick up a stranger at the bar, BE HONEST about what this is (and isn’t). You are married and looking for a one-night stand. Your spouse is totally aware and has given consent.
Being honest about what you want out of the night may result in being turned down (because for some people, being the “third” in a relationship isn’t ideal, even if it’s just for one night) - but it’s better than not telling the truth and having things be messy, misunderstood or risk hurting someone’s feelings.
Picking someone up at a bar might be easier because things flow more smoothly and quickly than on some dating app, but this can also be a bit tricky because nerves come into play.
While there isn’t exactly a great time in a public place to say “I’m married but my wife says it’s okay if we fuck…” - you need to get those words out.
Okay - maybe not those exact words...but you should be confident and clear about what you’re looking for to attract the right person.
Ask your spouse if they would rather come along to watch you pick out a one-night stand or if they’d rather know nothing about it, you should respect whatever they think will be best for them.
Having a one-night (meaningless) hall-pass with a friend is...messy. I personally wouldn’t suggest it because it very rarely works out well - but if you’re one of the lucky ones, this can be bringing your ultimate fantasy of sleeping with your next-door neighbor to life.
Well, the night is finally here. You’re about to be released into the world of kinky sex with strangers (at least for a few hours) with your spouse’s total consent…
One of the rules I’d have (if we were to ever do this whole “hall-pass” thing) is that the other woman absolutely cannot come into our home. This is our family house, our place, mine and his - and having someone else in here (especially someone who is having sex with my husband) would be too much for me.
However, I have a friend who is open to her husband having the occasional fling and she actually prefers it to be under their roof. “It’s a power-play move,” she once explained to me over brunch. “This is my house, I paid for it, I can tell her to leave whenever I want.”
Find a place that makes everyone involved feel comfortable, wherever that may be.
Make the most of this - it’s definitely an experience you’ll want to remember and being able to step outside your intimate long-term relationship to have sex with someone else only to be able to come back into that intimate long-term relationship is something most of us monogamous couples fantasize about.
It’s easy to tell your spouse you’ll act a certain way or say no to certain things (no matter how tempting they might be) - but the real test of your relationship is about to happen: can you adhere to the boundaries you and your spouse created together?
If you’re able to respect the boundaries you’ve put into place and come back to your relationship knowing you truly did nothing “wrong” - your relationship will be much stronger because of that.
There may be some unexpected feelings that rise up when you’re unbuttoning the blouse of a woman who isn’t your wife of 8 years or while you’re sucking the dick of a guy who isn’t your husband. Guilt, worry, fear, excitement...it’s all part of the process.
Take time to gather yourself if you’re feeling too psyched out - maybe tell your present company you need a few minutes to adjust to this or that you want to start slow. Having a “third” that is understanding of how strange it can be to be sexual with someone who isn’t your long-term partner is really helpful.
So - you’ve had your cake and ate it too (and it was fucking delicious) - but now what?
The “after” of having a one-night stand with someone who isn’t your long-term partner can be a bit strange, so let’s hash it out.
Addressing the weird feeling you have in the pit of your stomach the next morning can be tricky. You technically didn’t do anything wrong (in fact, it felt so right…) - so why do you feel this way?
It’s because you love your partner. Duh!
It’s not easy to slip out of “long-term partner” mode and into “casual sex with strangers” mode...the switch back to “normal life” could take some adjusting.
Open a line of communication with your spouse (if they are comfortable with that) and instead of telling them you feel guilty for what happened (because you shouldn’t when they okay’d it) - tell them you just missed them. Tell them you’re happy to be back in their arms. Tell them you’re happy to be together.
Use the weird pit-in-your-stomach as a reminder that you’re actually in a very happy long-term relationship and you should be extremely thankful for that.
Having your partner’s jealousy monster awaken can be really awful, especially when they gave you consent to sleep with someone else. It’s not as though you cheated...but to the partner left behind while you had sex with someone else, it can feel that way.
Allow your lover to speak their mind, even if that means they are angry or upset. Let them vent out their feelings completely...just listen. Once they are finished, ask them if they want to talk more about their feelings or if they just wanted to be heard.
If they want to talk more about it, explain that the agreement you made a few days ago still holds - this meant nothing. It was meaningless fun that we both agreed to and if they don’t ever want to do it again (or speak of it again) - that’s fine.
Going back to “normal married life” after being with someone else (or after knowing your partner has been with someone else) can be really difficult sometimes. Not only can there be feelings of jealousy, guilt or inadequacy, but it’s also just a bit strange. The next time you kiss, the next time you fuck, you’ll likely be reminded that someone else was there recently.
And for you...your mind could start to wander. You could start to fantasize more and more about being with other people. What this means is something for you to decide.
Maybe you have merely had your eyes opened to a new kink that you like or have finally fulfilled the fantasy of stranger sex and just like thinking about it from time to time...or maybe it means something different.
It’s important to talk through this little weird patch. It’s important not to hide how you feel about everything that’s happened - the only way out is through.
Things will eventually go back to normal, things will eventually feel like an average Monday morning...in fact, this could even make your relationship stronger in the end.
How common are open relationships? How common are hall-passes? Do people find open relationships actually help their marriage?
According to a 2016 study, 1 in 5 Americans (which ended up being about 21% of the total population of this study) have been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives.
Non-monogamy looks different for everyone - sometimes it’s not wanting to settle down with just one person, sometimes it’s letting your monogamous partner of over 2 decades sleep with someone else and want to hear all about it.
Alicia Morgan tells Refinery29 in this article: “He wanted to talk. I finished my email and then went in to join him on the bed. He took a deep breath. “I had an affair while you were traveling,” he said.
For a microsecond, my heart plummeted. Two decades of movies, literature, and lyrics have ingrained those words in my mind as a deal-breaker. It’s the end of a relationship. It’s the signal that he doesn’t love you, that he’s actually a schmuck. That your life with him is shattered.
“I whipped the shit out of a girl here in this bed,” he continued. I remembered myself, leaned forward, and — smiling seductively — said, “Tell me everything.”
I wasn’t upset. I was elated. Because he had gamely fulfilled a request I had put to him a month before: I had asked him to have a secret affair.”
I don’t know about you, but that sounds incredibly sexy to me.
What this looks like for you will not be the same as what it looked like for your friends from poker-night or your friend who lives in LA. Any kind of relationship is totally and completely unique from any other kind of relationship, and the same goes for hall-passes, open relationships or swinging.
Finding a situation that works for you and your current partner (whatever that looks like) is the key to making this thing work.
The most important thing you can take away from this article is this: no matter what kind of open relationship situation you’re considering, prioritizing your current partner is the most important thing.
It’s really easy to get excited about the possibility of sleeping with someone else (we all fantasize about it) - but if you neglect your long-term partner for the sake of a one-night stand, they will end up hurt, jealous, angry and all those other awful things.
This situation may take a while to work out, it may take a while longer to find someone to give your sacred hall-pass to and it may take even longer to adjust to the idea of being with someone other than the person you’ve been with for years.
This process doesn’t look the same for anyone - but the thing that is the same is that you’re not in this alone...this is a process you and your long-term partner are in together.
Make each other a priority, respect each other’s wishes and boundaries and you will be just fine. Likely more than fine, actually.
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