Do Exactly as I say: Your Guide to JOI

JOI (short for “jerk off instruction”) is a popular kink because it blends control, teasing, and guided pleasure into one experience — and for a lot of people, it’s less about explicit content and more about the dynamic. If you’re curious about what JOI actually is, why it turns people on, and how to explore it in a way that feels confident and consensual, Sofia Gray is a great place to start.

In this guide, we’ll break down what JOI means in simple terms, the different styles you might come across, and how to communicate boundaries so it stays fun (not awkward or uncomfortable). We’ll also cover practical tips for first-timers, common mistakes to avoid, and how JOI fits into the bigger picture of learning how to have better sex through trust, dirty talk, and exploring power play safely.

What is a JOI?

JOI is simply someone giving instructions of what to do and how to touch yourself and when to climax. That’s it. Now like with anything, there is a large variety of JOI’s to suit everyone. What I have found though is that it’s a little bit more than what it seems.

On the surface it’s a way to experience solo play with the porn focused on you: your pleasure, your satisfaction, your orgasm. It’s very personal as you have someone’s undivided attention and sometimes in your ear as you touch and become very intimate with yourself.

Types of JOI

The neat thing about this type of stimulation is that you can get it in multiple ways. You can just search for videos with audio, which has a plethora of options in and of itself. The person giving the instructions can be solo. They can be with a faceless partner, or it can be a compilation of different partners giving instructions. The coolest one I saw was one set to music. The video is full of lots of erotic images, but the rhythm of the masturbation was set to the beat of the music being played. It had a video game format, where each level was a different song. The speed varied throughout going faster, then slower, then fast again. It was an hour of edge play.

Audio only is another way to get instructions. This is my personal preference. Here are a couple of my favorites. Zane has a great voice and his ramblefap has a countdown that slowly builds to your climax. He takes nearly twenty minutes to get there. He starts with what you need to have handy for playtime, instructs you to pause while you get your supplies. As you listen, he gives encouragement, positive feedback, very detailed instructions on how to touch, when to touch, and when you can climax.

Male JOI vs. Female JOI

I noticed that there were obvious differences between M4F (male for female) and F4M (female for male) audios and videos, but there were some similarities. I didn’t watch any that cater to our LGBTQ friends, so I am sorry I can’t give specific information on those, but I am sure the general likenesses and differences are the same for all.

While there are many F4M audios I couldn’t really find too many for guided masturbation. The audios were more scenarios with a woman speaking and going through the entire scene complete with pauses for when the man would have a reaction or make a comment. She describes what he (you) is doing to her.

The video F4M was a whole other situation. There were a ton of images. The women speaking to the participants are beautiful. The video that I liked the best (the husband did too- he actually said it was his favorite) was a compilation video. There are five girls that act as though you are in the same space as they are. Each one added their own task, but each woman interacted with the camera in the same way that they would interact with you.

Women I found were different. The M4F videos weren’t as easy to find. The few videos I found and watched, I really enjoyed. One depicted morning sex. The man woke up and wanted to have sleepy morning sex with the participant. He was simulating missionary sex. This included all movements that a man would do during sex with the woman on bottom. I found it easy to picture myself there. He never showed his face, so you could easily picture your man of choice.  It was enjoyable to watch and listen to.

Some of the videos were females teaching other females tricks to get themselves off. They gave away what was working for them, including g-spot stimulation, which can be tricky for some women to find on their own. This video was great. She went through how she uses a glass dildo to get herself off. She stresses the importance of lube with glass. As someone that was taught that sexual pleasure wasn’t something to be explored on your own, this would have been great to know about.

The majority of material or women were strictly audio. The audios cater to any desire you may have. You can have rough BDSM sex from a Dom or sweet gentle first-time sex with a new “boyfriend”. One that I found particularly stimulating was a Dom that was gentle and not harsh. There were quite a few others that you could link to from that page as well.

After watching the videos for both men and women I can understand why men have more visual JOI and women do not. Men, by nature, are more visual than women and that extra bit of stimulation helps them cross the finish line faster. Looking at a woman touch her breasts, rubbing her clit, or even just making a jerking motion would be very helpful for men. For me, watching a random man jerk off isn’t needed to get myself off. And that was really the extent of what I found.

Reddit was a great place to find audios. They link over to Soundgasm which is where the audios are stored. Sofia Gray has a wonderful article about where you can find other audio porn here. As far as videos, I found the ones linked on pornhub.com. We also have some great info at this link about video JOI’s.

Fun Toys to Help during Solo Play

It took me a long time to learn to play solo with my own fingers, how to rub myself all the way to the finish line. I have almost always used a toy. This is mostly because the sensations from the toy help me achieve my orgasm faster. Normally I would use a rabbit or just a bullet, but I have recently discovered this toy, Tracy’s Dog. It gives me the ability to play with other parts of my body and explore during solo play. Yes, solo play is about scratching an itch, but it is also a time to learn about yourself and embrace the sexual being that you are. You have to learn what you like, so that you can show and tell your partner how to please you. You need to set your partner up for success.

Guys, don’t feel like you’ve been left out of the mix here. There are some great toys out there for you, too. Sadly the market isn’t as talked about or explored as much as the female market, but things are coming around, no pun intended. You can read about some male toys here.

Making Your Own

So now that you’ve listened to or watched various JOI’s, you know what they are about. How can you incorporate them into your own sexual repertoire? Maybe you want to make a JOI for your partner because you want to spice things up. Maybe you want to find ways to connect with your partner when you are separated. Whatever your reason, when you make a JOI, there are some things that you want to take into consideration.

Do you want to use a script? Shoot from the hip and improvise? What kind of things do you like to watch someone do? What does your partner enjoy doing? All of these things need to be considered when creating a JOI of your own.

I had a very good conversation with a friend that records audio porn for others to enjoy. He was very candid with me and didn’t hold back. When I asked him about his process for recording a JOI, or any audio for that matter, he said that he doesn’t typically use a script. For most of his audios, he improvises and says he just says what feels good at the moment. He also takes requests and tries to fulfill the things that his audience craves to hear. I also asked him why he makes audios and he said for the same reason that he likes to listen to them. The audios bring him pleasure. He wants to do that for others. It is a way for him to pay it forward, so to speak.

He also has some incredible comfort audios. These are great for aftercare. I asked why he does the comfort audios, he said he likes to comfort others and he feels he’s really good at it. I like to listen to them after one of his JOI’s to bring me out of the giggly place. Check out his Reddit thread here.

Some of the things that made a difference to me as I listened to various JOI’s and when I thought about what I wanted to make for my partner were:

Video or audio?

I plan on trying both for my partner, knowing that he loves my voice, but he also needs visuals to help him get there. This takes planning, but can be done.

What kind of things does he/she watch or listen to get off?

This one can be tricky. If you’ve been with your partner for a hot minute, you’ll probably know what kind of porn they like. If they are into threesomes and that’s not something that is possible, maybe you can describe what a threesome would be like if it were a possibility. It’s a safe way to indulge a fantasy without actually doing it or crossing any lines that either of you may not be comfortable with.

Maybe they are usually in charge in the bedroom but have a desire for you to take charge. This could be that chance where you can both explore this side of yourself with the safety net of privacy and time to process how you feel about the role reversal.

What equipment do you need?

Given the power of the smartphone, you really don’t need much. You can use your phone or your computer to record the audio, video, as well as edit it. I’m able to compile and edit music videos with just my MacBook and Garage Band.

If you’re recording a video, things you’ll need to think about are:

1. Toys: What toys do you want your partner to use on you or themselves? Are there any special clothing items that you’ll want to wear?
2. Where: Where are you going to record the JOI? In your car? Your room? Plan it out and be sure that you have privacy.
3. Is it just you? More than one person? My partner would prefer not to hear another male voice. Another female is totally ok. Think about who you would ask if your partner would want another person and consider how you feel about that. Is that crossing any of your own personal boundaries or theirs?
4. Do you want to write it out ahead of time or just start recording and see where it goes? Once I’ve taken all of these things into consideration, I feel pretty comfortable just going without a script, see where the story takes me.

Something else you will want to consider will be how many of the five senses you want to include. The best experiences, for me, incorporate all five: sight, smell, taste, sound, and touch.

Here are some ideas on how to make these senses work for both you and your partner:

1. Sight: If you’re doing a video, this is fairly simple to do. The men that I watched in the JOI videos simulated missionary sex and all of the yummy things that go with it, including the slapping of their penis on their lover. It was very hot to watch. One even included putting on a condom. Women use their fingers or dildos in place of a penis in their videos. They sometimes also use a faceless man.
   
   If you aren’t using video, describe with as many words as you can what you are wearing, what the room looks like. Describe everything: hair, sheets, all of it. You want to make a picture for your partner. They need to see the scene you are setting and imagine you smack dab in the middle.
   
2. Smell: What does the room smell like? More importantly what do you smell like. Are you wearing perfume or cologne? Are there scented candles? Are you outside? Is there a fireplace? Most importantly describe how you smell. Your scent drives your partner crazy. It turns them on. What do you smell like as you touch yourself? You can also describe what they smell like to you. Tell them how their scent turns you on and what that scent inspires you to do.
   
3. Taste: This one is pretty basic and straightforward. Describe in as much detail as possible what you taste like or what they taste like. Tell your partner to taste you. Imagine your taste on their tongue. Describe all of it in as much detail as possible. For videos, taste yourself. Take as permission to indulge in your acting career. Feel free to go a little over the top. Let them see how you want to be tasted.
   
4. Sound: Sound is a bit trickier. Again, for video sounds are easier to make, easier to show. But for audio only, you may have to get creative. If you tell them to kiss you, make the sound. Maybe by kissing your hand or your arm. If you tell them to insert fingers or stroke themselves, figure out how to get the sound to translate. Experiment. The sounds can make the difference between the Big-O or No-O. Preparation is key.
   
5. Touch: This one is also very important. Our skin is the largest organ of the body. What does your skin feel like? What does their skin feel like? How about hair? Or none? How do you want your partner to touch themselves or how do you want them to imagine touching you? Do you want them to use light touches or firm touches? Should they pinch their nipples? Slap themselves? When you describe touch, you want to be specific and change it up. Slow strokes? Fast strokes?
   
   Feel free to change up the speed, make them stop. Tell them to make it slippery with lube or spit/saliva. Again, think about what your partner likes.

You’ll want to consider if you decide to make a JOI for your partner how you want them to play. Are toys ok? And if so which ones? Do you want them naked? Is there a special thing that you like them to wear? Maybe your JOI is part of a gift and you get them something special to wear. Should the guy be hard already? Specific instructions should also be included with the audio. The more detailed, the more pleasurable experience it will be. Give them a minute to pause if they need to go and gather any necessary supplies to get the job done. When they bring out their toys and rejoin, have fun. Tease.

Final Thoughts

In this time of uncertainty with the Pandemic and travel restrictions, job restrictions, etc., making a custom JOI for your trusted partner is an inexpensive way to show care without blowing your budget. It’s a thoughtful gift that they can revisit time and time again. It’s also very personal.

I like the idea of using JOI to add a level of play and anticipation with your partner. When you are in a long-term relationship, this is a way to keep things new, fresh, and exciting. You can surprise them with this special present or maybe it’s something you both talk about doing. Either way, the sky's the limit. Have and let loose. Everyone will benefit from your sexual adventure.