Why are collars used in BDSM play? A few reasons, most of which I will dive into throughout this article.
For starters, it could be about the look and feel of it. The act of being collared...tamed...controlled. The act of falling under someone else’s ownership. As a submissive, it’s very erotic. And as a dominant, having your submissive wear a collar for you is very intoxicating.
Then, it could be for improving posture. Collars can be worn to enhance your posture as a submissive by making you keep your chin up, especially if the collar is thick.
Of course, there are practical reasons, like you want to be put on a leash. You’ll need a collar then, of course. Roleplay, fantasies, ownership, possession, or just a symbol of your relationship - there are plenty of reasons you could be looking into getting a collar to enhance your BDSM play.
When it comes to BDSM collars, some people choose to use them as a statement (we’ll get to that more below) and others choose to use them simply for play or as a sexy accessory.
If you’re interested in using it as a play-piece or style choice, that is more than okay and you don’t need to pay much attention to what certain colors or styles mean. However, if you are interested in training with collars and implementing them as a more serious part of your sexual dynamic, you might find the information below interesting.
Casual kink vs lifestyle.
While it is possible to use collars casually, many people consider being collared to be a big deal. Some people even hold collaring ceremonies. Regardless of whether you’re interested in using collars in a casual way or as more of a lifestyle choice, take your time in choosing a collar - don’t just rush into purchasing the first one that catches your eye.
Most importantly, becoming collared can mean what you want it to mean.
Being collared can mean so many things to so many different people. It’s an extremely unique, personal, and intimate experience and for many couples, it’s a bonding experience.
Some collars are meant to be worn for special occasions, some for playtime, and some are even designed to be worn permanently, similar to a wedding band. The kind of collar you choose should represent what you want it to represent, how you feel as a submissive, how your relationship is with your dominant, and what makes you feel good about your role as a sexual being.
How you can heighten your dom/sub dynamic with a simple accessory…
Kinkly hits the nail on the head when they explain: “How many times have you seen a sensual movie scene that includes someone fastening a necklace around a woman’s neck? Consider collars the BDSM equivalent…”
This is a symbol, a sign, a meaningful gesture for many people. It can signify trust, intimacy, connection, sometimes ownership, and submission. All of this adds to the sexual dynamic between you and your partner.
Deciding how you will use your collar and what this collar means to you and your partner(s) is a very important first step in choosing your BDSM collar. Open communication, honesty, and trust are the foundations of a healthy dominant/submissive relationship and this extends to toy/wardrobe/accessory choices as well.
If you are interested in some of the meanings behind certain collars in the BDSM world or what it means to train as a submissive using collars, here’s a little overview from the BDSM Training Academy website.
Black/blue collars can be considered “collars of consideration” or trainee collars. This is when the person has been accepted into “training” but has not yet proven themselves to be a submissive.
Black/red collars are a sign that the person has shown a desire to be a submissive and that their knowledge has grown/they have been accepted as a sub by their partner.
Black/purple collars represent a submissive who has accepted their role, learned most of the skills of being submissive, and have a continued desire to prove themselves.
Black/black collars can be a symbol that the person has mastered the skills and knowledge of a submissive and are happy to be “slave” to their dominant.
These color schemes and “levels” don’t have to be used by everyone nor are they universal - but as with many other kinds of training, sometimes it’s nice to have a physical representation of how far you’ve come.
Similarly to color, there can also be different collars for different activities.
Play collars are often what you will wear during BDSM scenes and they usually have hooks or rings where a leash can be latched onto, like this one.
Day collars can be worn out and about and tend to be a little less inconspicuous. They are often comfortable and made in a style that compliments your wardrobe. Day collars, like this beautiful pink one, may not be designed for rough BDSM play and may be replaced by a play collar during sexual activities.
Training collars are what would be used in the color scheme system, where each color or type of collar signifies where you are in your dom/sub relationship. This black/red one, for example, would signify one of the initial stages of collar training.
Collars of consideration are exactly what they sound like - collars you wear if you’re under consideration by your dominant to be their submissive. Think of this as the “training wheels” collar, if you’re into tracking your level of submissiveness.
An example of a collar of consideration could be one that isn’t super feasible in BDSM play and is a bit more of a statement piece, like this one.
Protection collars symbolize ownership. These are sometimes nicer looking collars, collars that are engraved or personalized somehow. They signify to all others that the submissive wearing the collar is “owned” by their dominant. Typically this also means the dominant acknowledges a kind of responsibility for their submissive.
An example of a protection collar would be this one (where the dominant’s name or the submissive’s pet name is placed on the collar).
Eternity collars often look like a solid ring around your neck. They are typically made from steel (like the ones found here) and are quite pretty, even being able to pass as everyday wear in some cases. They are called eternity collars because, while you’re wearing it, there doesn’t appear to be any sort of clasp or attachment to get it on and off.
Jewelry collars are often also day collars, being worn all the time as more of a statement than a BDSM accessory. They would often be replaced by a more durable collar during play. These collars can match your other jewelry, so it’s like a dirty little secret. This one is particularly lovely, in my opinion.
I’m a submissive. I could be a switch, in the right circumstances, but in my current sex life, I’m a happy (sometimes bratty) submissive who owns (and often wears) a collar during BDSM play.
This is relatively new for me, though - within the last year. And within the last year, I’ve experienced what it means to be a submissive to my partner and just how much that can improve/impact our sex life.
used my collar for the first time tonight and holy fucking wow does it ever boost the dom/sub dynamic. 🤤🤤 fuck.#mynewfavoritething #submissive pic.twitter.com/kzXs32jPYm
— Jaimee🌻 (@jaimeebell_) June 24, 2020
Broaching the subject with my partner…
A few months ago, I began to look at collars on my own. I began to watch collared porn, and I found it incredibly arousing. I wanted to be collared and leashed. I wanted to have that connection with my partner and I wanted to take my current submission to the next level.
So I asked him about it.
“Baby...I want to get a collar. How would you feel about me getting a collar...for you to collar me?” I asked somewhat timidly over takeout one night.
We sat, ate pizza, and chatted about what this would mean for us and how we could incorporate this into our sex life. After 2 large pizzas split between us it was decided - I was going to get a collar. The best part? I would even be able to pick it out myself.
“After all, you’ll be wearing it for me...but I want you to like it, too.” He said sweetly.
And so began the search.
My experience searching for the perfect collar...
I had no idea where to start, to be completely honest. I’d seen a few people I follow in the BDSM world with their collars and although I thought some looked better than others, I really had no reference for what collars meant what, which ones were “best” and really, I had no idea what I even really wanted.
So I did some soul searching. I online-window-shopped for a few days, putting aside the collars that appealed to me for various reasons. This one looked durable, this one was really cute, this one looked a bit scary, this one was nice…
I ended up deciding I didn’t want some of those “collar in a box” type things you can buy on Amazon. I wanted something that felt like me, something that was comfortable, cute, and not too daunting. For me, the “training” aspect didn’t matter as much.
The excitement was almost too much to handle…
Finally choosing my collar was an exciting moment. I ended up going with this one. It didn’t come with a leash, which was okay, because the collars I had seen that came with leashes all came with chain ones, and I much preferred faux-leather leashes - so I just ordered that separately.
Pressing the “order now” button was exhilarating...and then the 5-10 day shipping was excruciating. I was so excited to test out our new accessory, to amplify the dom/sub relationship we currently had and to take things to the next level as a submissive.
And then finally, it arrived...
The first time I tried on my collar…
For those who don’t know, our dom/sub dynamic doesn’t extend much beyond the bedroom - so when the collar arrived, I felt it was okay to try it on before my partner arrived home from work. To me, the act of being collared was more than just a shift in our sexual dynamic, it was also a personal thing - so I found it rather fitting to be trying on my collar for the first time while I was alone in our home.
Testing out how it felt, I slipped it around my neck. Immediately, I felt a pang of excitement. It fit perfectly. It quite literally fit perfectly, because I did measure my neck beforehand (which you should do) - but more than that...it FIT me perfectly. It felt natural to wear. It was exciting, yes - but it was also very natural and calming to put it around my neck.
Bracing myself, I stepped in front of the hallway mirror and my cheeks burned red at the sight of myself in my collar for the first time. I loved it. And I knew my dom would, too.
The first time we use my collar during sex…
That night we, of course, had to give our new accessory a try. Like a girl in a movie, I held up my hair as my partner slipped the collar around my neck and tightened it accordingly. I stared up at him with lust and longing as he then clipped the leash onto the collar and gave a tug.
While I won’t get into it here (that kind of writing can be found in our erotica section, if you’re interested…) - I will say that adding a collar to our dom/sub dynamic amplified things by about a thousand. Every instruction, every movement, every look felt more impactful because I was wearing his collar.
A few adventures later...
We’ve since used my collar in a myriad of ways, even exploring outside the bedroom just a little - and I can tell you that I’m very happy with my collar choice. I’m glad I took my time in choosing just the right one - but I also can see myself purchasing another collar somewhere down the road.
Now that I’ve got you all riled up and in collar-buying mode, let’s talk about WHY you want to wear a collar. Because, as I’ve said, although this means something, what it means is very personal to you and/or your partner and should be discussed before jumping in.
“Why do I want a collar?”
This is a question every submissive should ask themselves going into this. What is the point of getting a collar? Why do I want this? What will this mean for me and my dominant?
Asking yourself these questions will make it easier to decide which type of collar you buy.
“How will I use this collar?”
Not all collars are made the same - some are designed to be used permanently, worn all the time as more of a submissive lifestyle choice. Other collars are simply aesthetic and some are designed for heavy BDSM use (for example, they come with locks or aren't’ easy to get off).
Figuring out how you and your dominant are going to really use this collar will also help you decide which type of collar you choose.
“Do I want a leash to be attached to the collar?”
Leashes aren’t just for puppy play, you know. There are plenty of collar types that allow for leashes to be clipped to them. This can be handy when it comes to certain sexual positions and can enhance the “ownership” side of wearing your dominant’s collar.
“Do I want leather or an alternative material?”
If you’re passionate about being vegan or eco-friendly with your BDSM supplies, purchasing a leather-free (or faux leather) collar is a great idea - and knowing that before you start shopping around is going to be helpful.
“Does color matter?”
A big part of the first question is in this question: why do I want this collar? Am I interested in training? If so, the color of the collar you buy is going to matter. If you’re simply interested in the accessory for play and not symbolism, you have a bit more freedom to choose a color and style that appeals to you.
“What are my measurements?”
Measuring your neck for an appropriate fit is a must when you’re shopping for collars - don’t just guess! You want the collar to be tight enough that it can apply the proper pressure and strong enough to hold the weight of a leash with a slight tug - but you don’t want it to do any damage or make it difficult to breathe. When dealing with any type of restraint (specifically ones that could damage your throat), it’s important to get the measurements just right.
How do you do this? It’s pretty simple, really. You can use a measuring tape to determine the circumference of your neck.
While I can’t tell you which collar you should buy, I can give you some tips on narrowing down your options.
Don’t rush it...shop around.
The best advice I can give is not to rush it. You’re excited - I get it...believe me, I get it. But this may be something you need to think on (and talk to your partner about) multiple times before you know what you want. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.
Ask people who own collars already.
Something else you can do is reach out to people you know in the BDSM community who already have collars. Ask their experiences, preferences, and opinions - and go from there!
Twitter is a great place for inspiration.
Twitter is the new Tumblr, didn’t you know? With #TumblrRefugee, you better believe this is the next best thing. Scrolling through Twitter for people in the BDSM community to engage with and ask questions can be helpful, and there are also a lot of sex toy brands that promote their toys and accessories (including collars) on the platform. Along with this, you can read comment sections and figure out which brand you may like to go with.
This may take some trial and error…
You may not like the first collar you purchase, even after some soul-searching and web-browsing...and that’s okay! This may take some trial and error to find the perfect match and fit. Be patient!
Read reviews!
So many people underestimate the power of reading customer reviews on products (and even entire brands). With sex bloggers, writers, and reviewers being all the rage right now, pretty much any product you will find is going to have some kind of press attached to it whether it reviews from bigger names or a star-rating on Amazon.
Do your due diligence and look into what people are saying about the collar(s) you’re interested in using.
Choose something that’s comfortable (especially if you’re interested in prolonged use).
Wearing a collar during sex (or any other time) shouldn’t be uncomfortable. Try choosing something you know you will be comfortable in, such as suede. Also, the edges of the collar should be rounded or smoothed - square, harsh edges will dig into your skin.
Don’t be afraid to purchase multiple collars.
Along with the potential of not getting the right collar from the start, you may also find you’d like more than one collar. You and your dom make the rules here - just because some guidelines and communities have suggested how this process should go doesn’t mean it isn’t an extremely personal and intimate choice.
If you’re interested in multiple collars - go ahead!
Have fun with it!
Sex should be fun. So much of the time, I think that gets lost. The point of heightening your dom/sub dynamic or adding another layer of submission to your sexual being is to experience something new and exciting and pleasurable for both you and your partner. If you find yourself stressing over this choice - maybe step away and give it some time. Come back to it when you’re ready to dive in with pure excitement.
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