Whether you find yourself mentally undressing Thor during a movie-date with your partner or an ex pops into your head while you’re masturbating and you just roll with it - we all fantasize about people. And whether or not those people are actually our partners IRL very rarely makes a difference.
According to a Journal of Sex Research study, 80% of women and 98% of men admitted to fantasizing about someone other than their partner. A later study (2014) found that this fantasy of hooking up with someone else is one of the top fantasies among both men and women who are in monogamous relationships.
It’s very easy to get caught up in a fantasy world.
It’s easy to think about better, greater, more sensual, more erotic, kinkier sex with someone other than your partner. It’s easier to get lost in a world of make-believe, rewriting the bad things about your ex to make them seem like this unattainable fantasy person.
While most fantasies can be harmless, it’s really easy to breathe life into them and have them take on a mind of their own.
Fantasies are intricate things, according to Kinsey Institute research fellow Dr. Lehmiller. “It’s not uncommon for people to have no sense of where their fantasies come from. This isn’t surprising because we aren’t always able to pinpoint why we want the things we want, sexually and otherwise.”
According to Lehmiller’s research, some of the more common influences behind sexual fantasies are:
While fantasies may be typical (you’ll see just how typical below), the important thing is to acknowledge them for what they are (and aren’t) - and only you can decide that. If you really believe your fantasy about your ex sucking on your toes means you just have a foot fetish - that’s totally fine. But if you think there may be something more to that fantasy (like unresolved feelings towards them or something lacking in your current sex life), don’t ignore that.
There is a lot of guilt that can stem from sexual fantasies about someone other than your partner and I’m here to tell you: squash that icky feeling right now. Sexual fantasies are incredibly personal things and you shouldn’t feel the need to “explain it” to your partner.
Can you? Absolutely! If you want to share your explicit fantasies with your partner - go for it. Maybe it’ll even turn them on and great sex will ensue.
But should you feel like keeping sexual fantasies to yourself is “cheating” on your partner? No.
That being said, if the fantasy is about something deeper, speaking to a friend, your partner or a therapist about what this fantasy could mean for your current real-life situation might be helpful in identifying what the problem is.
Sometimes these urges and thoughts can be rather intrusive. My best advice? Masturbate.
Getting it out of your system (or trying to) is a great way to determine if there is something more emotional behind this sexual fantasy of your ex or if it’s just merely because you’re horny.
Maybe it’s about some particular kink you practiced with your long-term ex but you’re not ready to share that with your current partner of only a few months yet.
Or maybe you’re single and don’t have anyone to re-enact these current fantasies with. I can almost guarantee you that masturbating to your fantasy will provide some kind of clarity one way or the other.
Masturbation isn’t the only answer, though…
Sometimes your fantasies about your ex can be an incentive to add a bit of role-playing into the mix with your current partner. If you feel comfortable enough to share your fantasy with your partner, maybe your partner will be totally turned on by the idea and want to insert themselves into your fantasy world.
Really, role-playing is a fantastic way to live out the fantasy of being with someone else while still being with your partner.
Fantasies are totally normal. Having a sexual fantasy about someone other than your current partner is not cheating. Acting on (or being consumed by) that fantasy to a point where you are no longer putting your current partner first...that is where the line gets a little blurry.
In reality, fantasies really can be harmless (and maybe even exciting) if you don’t put too much stock in them...in fact, they may even be healthy for you.
According to a 2003 study, people who admit to having fantasies about others tend to have more open and laid back personalities.
Psychologist Dr. Elyssa Barbash explains in an interview with Romper: “Being with one person does not mean you don’t find others sexually attractive. As long as you feel connected and stimulated in your primary romantic relationship, fantasies are a functional part of a long-term relationship.”
Mental health counselor Ally Chase tells Romper in that same article: “In marriage [or any long-term relationship], we become comfortable and complacent and then our imaginations run wild, thinking of things that would make us happier in our marriage. We get stuck in the “grass is greener” mentality. True happiness in marriage lies in the comfort and familiarity of a companion, and in working together to cultivate happiness from experiences, some new and some mundane.”
While it’s totally normal to have fantasies about other people, it’s easy to romanticize that fantasy into something it’s not and convince ourselves that we’d be happier if we acted on those fantasies. When the fantasy starts to consume you and your current relationship takes a toll because of it, this is reason for concern.
For some reason, we have this immense guilt that we carry if the people we fantasize about are people that we know in real life.
I mean, if your man admitted to fantasizing about Mila Kunis, you would likely high-five him and admit that she’s stunning - but if he ever told you he fantasized about his ex-girlfriend, you’d feel an ugly-rage-monster bubbling up to your pretty-girl surface.
Why does fantasizing over an ex feel wrong?
Well, I have a few theories there...
While you may never admit it out loud, maybe your good-for-nothing ex was actually good for something...and something important, at that.
Admitting that some of the best sex you’ve ever had is with someone you’re no longer with can feel...icky. Whether you’re with someone new or single and mingling, your mind might just wander to that one time he had you rough in the shower simply because that’s the best shower sex you can remember.
There’s nothing wrong with giving credit where credit is due, you just have to remember to balance it out with the truth: he had a bomb-ass dick but couldn’t commit worth a damn - end of story.
You’re in the middle of really intense first-time sex with a new flame and all of a sudden your ex pops into your head...it happens. Really, it’s normal to think about the last time you did something the next time you do it.
The key here is to rewrite the story. Aim higher, Queen - you deserve it.
No matter how good that sex was, you can have even better sex with the guy you’re currently seeing. Edge out his high score with an even higher one.
Sometimes we fantasize about other people (including our exes) because it’s just fun. It’s fun and naughty to think about someone’s hands on you, someone pushing all the right buttons…
Maybe you had sex with an ex in a national forest and cling to that public sex memory because it was the only time you got a little wild - or maybe you had cam-sex with a complete stranger and love thinking of yourself as that obedient little slut over a decade later when you’re settled down with a kid and a mortgage…(okay, maybe I’m speaking from personal experience here).
It’s normal to fantasize about a time in your life where you were wild and naughty and reckless...this doesn’t mean you want to be that way again, though. Of course, I prefer my life now and the still-incredible sex I have with my long-term partner to the life I had as a young, horny college girl. But that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about all those hook-ups, either.
Here, it’s all about balance - the “you” you are now with the “you” you were back then...yin and yang and all that jazz.
If you’re looking for some reasons as to why your ex has been popping up in your masturbation fantasies lately...I’ve got some ideas for you.
I said feelings, I didn’t say “all-consuming love that makes you want to go back to them.”
I can admit that I have feelings for my exes. I mean, my abusive ex, I feel like he’s trash (obviously) - but my “first love” still has a fire burning in my heart and likely always will.
It’s not that I want a life with him (or anyone I fantasize about for that matter) - it’s just that he meant something. And sometimes those feelings crop up in weird dreams or fantasies I can’t quite explain.
Sometimes the sex is just really, really good. And there’s nothing wrong with admitting (and reminiscing) about that. I had a college hook-up that I barely knew but he introduced me to bondage for the first time and it left something of an imprint on my desire map that led me to the things I’m interested in now.
Nostalgia is scientifically proven to activate a reward center in our brains. Being nostalgic about sex with an ex is pretty much guaranteed to make you want to act out some naughty fantasy the next time you masturbate.
And why not give in to it?
Who are we to argue against science?
Sometimes it’s fun to fantasize about what life would be like if you made one or two different choices. If you’re lucky, you look back being thankful for every turn you took because it led you to where you are now, but sometimes even when you’re happy on your current path, your mind begins to wander.
“The one that got away” is a serious pull, in my opinion. Fantasizing about someone who you really thought you had a future with can be harmless but it can also mess with your mind.
Ally Chase, that mental health counselor I previously mentioned, explains that the “grass is greener” mentality can be particularly dangerous when it comes to fantasizing about exes. “Water the grass you’re standing on” is a powerful metaphor for putting the work into your own relationship instead of letting your mind wander to what you believe are “greener pastures.”
Sometimes fantasies are just fantasies - and sometimes they are an indication of some deeper psychological desire, something you feel is missing. When you’re confronted with persistent fantasies about ex-lovers, maybe you need some self-reflection time to see if these fantasies have anything in common.
Long-term monogamous relationships can be mundane. That doesn’t mean you’re unhappy or that the sex is awful, it just means you’ve been having the same kind of ice cream for 10 years and are just a wee bit curious about what new flavors have popped up on the market since you last perused through the isles.
Your first love hits differently. That’s a scientific fact. The memories, the nostalgia, the feelings, the sex - it all feels different. You remember it differently, it holds a separate place in your mind, whether that relationship was good or bad.
Maybe you’re newly single and haven’t been able to “rewrite” your current sexual fantasy log - you’re stuck on “repeat” and the track of the day is that one time your ex let you dominate him or the last time he used your vibrator on you to make you cum.
It’s totally fine to fantasize about whoever pops into your head while you're masturbating - the mind has a, well, mind of its own.
I’m just going to say it: if you’re constantly fantasizing about your exes doing very specific sexual things to you, with you or on you (hey, I don’t judge) - you may have a fetish.
Maybe your current sex life isn’t giving you everything you really want. And that’s totally okay! We’ve talked before about how everyone has different preferences and sometimes in long-term relationships, you have a kink your partner isn’t on board with (or vice versa). There are ways to work through that!
Ignoring your fantasies and shoving them into a “do not open” box in your mind is not a great way to deal with sexual frustration. Communicate with your partner about some of the things you would like to try. If it’s a no-go for them, don’t hold it against them...maybe it’s just time to get a little creative by yourself...
It’s okay to cherish memories you’ve had with other people even long after you’ve entered into a monogamous long-term relationship. Memories make us who we are, there’s no need to feel guilty about that just because the memories you’re cherishing are sexual.
That time you lost your virginity in a room full of candles, that time your then-boyfriend pulled out all the stops for your anniversary or the time you had sex in the back of your first car when you were out past curfew...those are memories that are important to you not because of the sex with your ex but because they were key moments in your young life.
And that’s totally fine!
Fantasies are normal. Fantasizing about your ex is also normal.
And in many ways, fantasies can be a healthy outlet for sexual urges, impulses, and frustrations.
Most of the time fantasies are harmless - but if you find yourself having persistent fantasies about your exes (or about one ex in particular), you may need to take some me-time to figure out just what that could mean.
Sex and relationship therapist Sarah Berry explains in an interview with The Telegraph:
“It could be that fantasies are acting as a barrier between you and your [current] partner to protect you from getting hurt. Or it could be that you need more time to heal [from a past relationship.] Or it could be that your current partner isn’t for you. Working out what fantasies about past relationships mean to you is going to help you work out what you want for yourself right now.”
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