We have a mind blowing fact for you. You might want to sit down.
Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration!
It doesn’t have to be just about putting a penis in a butt or vagina!
You might think that that’s wrong. Sex is getting banged by a penis. Everything else is just foreplay.
Here’s why that’s super wrong.
Our society thinks of “sex” as exclusively “intercouse,” aka P in V. Anything else you do (except maybe sometimes anal) is considered foreplay. But there are lots of problems with calling anything that’s not intercourse foreplay.
First, it prioritizes male pleasure. Men are most likely to come from intercourse, while a lot of women need oral, a vibrator, or some sort of clit stimulation to get off. Why is an orgasm only real when it involves a man coming into a vagina? Why is another orgasm any less important?
Only 18% of women say they can come from intercourse alone. If a cis straight couple has the idea in their heads that intercourse is the be all end all, this can lead to problems. First, the woman might feel broken because she can’t come during what’s supposed to be the most important sexual act. Second, she might not get to get off at all, if they only engage in “foreplay” for a few minutes before pounding it out.
Plus, calling anything other than intercourse “foreplay” implies that it comes beFORE. If somebody doesn’t come, shouldn’t there be some other sexual activity after intercourse to resolve that problem? Isn’t it weird that we’re supposed to adhere to the weird sexual script of 1) clothes off 2) foreplay 3) intercourse? Why can’t it be a complicated 15 step process that has all sorts of acts across the board? Doesn’t that sound a lot more fun?
Secondly, calling intercourse foreplay is homophobic. Most cis lesbians don’t have P in V sex. They have sex in many other ways, but they don’t do that one thing. Does that mean that they don’t actually have sex at all? Are most cis lesbians virgins? Obviously, that’s nonsense.
It’s important to remember that not all straight couples enjoy P in V sex. This could be because of pelvic pain, trauma, or just simply not liking it. Someone might feel guilty about that, but why is not liking intercourse worse than not liking having your nipple licked or your taint licked?
The notion that foreplay isn’t sex delegitimizes any sex act that don’t involve a penis inside a vagina. Isn’t that fucked up?
What’s the inverse of intercourse? Outercourse!
Outercourse is any sex act that doesn’t involve vaginal or anal intercourse. You probably engage in some outercourse techniques in your sex life, but it’s possible to have a whole sex session without having intercourse.
Don’t believe us? We’ve assembled a whole list of sex acts you should try that aren’t penetrative. You’ll probably find more than you think.
Nipples are filled with nerve endings, and people of all genders like to have them played with. If you want to be gentle, you can blow on, kiss, suck, or lick them. If you’re into something a bit kinkier, you can bite, pinch, slap, clamp, or whip them.
Some people can even orgasm just from having their nipples played with! You don’t need to limit your attention to the nips to the time you take kissing down someone’s body. Really slow things down and see what happens.
If you want to try out some light BDSM, spanking is the outercourse choice for you. If engaging with this type of play with your partner like this seems weird and hard to get into, try incorporating it into a roleplay scene where someone’s getting scolded by a person in power.
Just make sure you only spank the parts of someone that would be covered by a pair of panties. Otherwise, you can cause actual harm.
If you like spanking, you can consider moving up to other methods of impact play, like flogging or whipping.
There are few people who would turn down an erotic massage. It’s relaxing while also waking up all of your sexual feelings. The person doing the massaging has to put in some hard work, but they get to see their partner’s body dripping in oil, so really, everybody wins.
Create a calming atmosphere with the lights down low, candles, and a warm room temperature. Then massage as long as you can bear before getting more intimate.
Erotic humiliation is the use of humiliation to excite the person who’s being demeaned. You can engage in this type of BDSM without even taking your clothes off. Some types of humiliation play include:
Make sure to have a long conversation with your partner about this type of play before you begin, because it’s not for everyone. Some people would be absolutely gutted if you started insulting their genitals out of the blue. But it can work for some people who have compatible desires and fetishes.
We have a whole article about erotic humiliation, if you want to know more.
Remember back when you were a teenager with your first significant other? You were too nervous about taking off your clothes because your parents might be around, so you grinded on each other constantly as you made out. That illicit contact felt oh so good.
Grinding is an underrated sexual activity. It’s possible for anyone to get off on it, thanks to good ol’ friction. And it’s a great way to get off as an early part of a sexcapade.
Everyone should own a vibrator. Absolutely everyone.
For most people with clits, a vibrator is one of the easiest ways to have a powerful orgasm. Bullet vibes and magic wands aren’t used internally, and most people don’t seem to mind that there’s no penetration.
Plus, vibrators feel good when you put them almost anywhere. Perineum or asshole? Check. Nipples? You’ve got it. Balls and shaft? Roger, captain.
Ready to get a vibrator? We’ve compiled a list of the best vibrators for 2020. You should really give it a look.
Not sure what that is? It’s an armpit job!
Basically, just lube up your armpit, let him put his dick there, and grind!
It may surprise you, but some people are super into armpits. If that’s you or your partner, this is really easy type of sex to do. Don’t worry about whether your pits stink. Many people with this fetish are actually into that.
Rimming is stimulating someone’s anus with your mouth, so basically oral anal sex. You can kiss, suck, lick, or do anything you want to the area. It’s great because the asshole has thousands of nerve endings, and it’s a super sensitive area.
This doesn’t just have to be for gay guys or people who have anal sex. Rimming can be something you do on its own, or it can be part of oral sex, or they can masturbate while you do it. Everyone has a butt, so it’s one of the most versatile sex acts.
Some people have concerns about cleanliness, but as long as you shower or use a baby wipe beforehand, you’re probably fine. You can read more about this in our rimming article. (Insert link here, or delete last sentence if rimming article isn’t up yet.)
Like grinding, hand jobs might seem a bit juvenille. But they’re actually a really great way to get a guy off!
Think about it this way: an HJ is how most people with penises masturbate. It’s definitely a reliable way to get them off.
A hand job is also a great method to get someone off when you don’t need attention yourself. Maybe you just came, or you’re tired. Giving an HJ isn’t usually as much effort as some other sex acts.
Just make sure you use lube. If you don’t have lube, your spit is fine. A dry hand will create a type of friction that’s usually pretty unpleasant.
Edging is bringing your partner super close to orgasm...and then stopping. Then, repeat until the person is going absolutely crazy.
This is sometimes used as a type of torture for dominants and submissives. If you keep doing it, it will give the person a stronger orgasm at the end. You can stimulate them in any way you want, as long as it’s possible to stop it quickly when they tell you they’re close. Make sure they finally do get the release at the end, though.
A lot of people get frustrated with the 69 position. They say that it’s hard to come while you’re in it because you’re so focused on getting your partner off. This makes it hard to let go enough to orgasm. Nevertheless, 69-ing is a tool to have in your arsenal.
This position is better when you’re not expecting to get an orgasm out of it. It’s okay for something to just feel good and not make you come. There’s always time to try something else! Just enjoy the sensations and lick each other’s brains out.
Frotting is an activity for two men (or people with penises) only. It involves their penises rubbing together. Usually, it’s done while two people face each other, and either one or the other jerks the penises off together.
Historically, this has been done by people who don’t want to do anal, for a variety of reasons. However, you can have an active anal sex life and still enjoy frotting.
Kunyaza has been practiced for hundreds of years in South Africa. Basically, a man rhythmically and firmly strikes the clitoris with his penis. As the vagina-having person becomes more aroused, the vulva starts to swell.
At this point, the penis-having person rubs his cock top to bottom on her vulva, then left to right, then in a zig-zag motion, always striking their clit after each rotation. Once the woman is close to orgasm, he’ll stimulate the whole vulva with long strokes, which will push her over the edge.
This practice may seem odd, but it has proven effective. The word “kunyaza” literally means “to squirt,” so you might want to try it ASAP.
A Tenga egg is a soft sleeve covered internally with a textured pattern to supplement male masturbation. You just remove the wrapper, put in some lubricant, and enjoy! They come in different patterns, including Stepper, Heart, Wavy, and Ribbed.
This is a great way to change up a hand job, and a great surprise for your partner. They’re made to be disposable, one-time use toys, but you can clean them and use them again and again.
If you’re separated from your partner, whether it’s across the world or across town, sending sexy photos is a great way to keep each other interested and in the mood.
Don’t be too self-conscious about sending nudes. If your partner has already seen you naked, they definitely think you’re sexy. Don’t overthink it.
Also, make sure your phone is secured and that you trust your partner before you send them. There’s been a lot of nudes leaking out there, fam. Be safe.
You don’t have to have a foot fetish to like toe sucking. It can be a dom/sub thing or a humiliation thing, based on seeming subservient when you’re sucking someone’s feet.
It can be vanilla too, though. Some people just like the way it feels, and that’s valid too! If you’ve never had your toes sucked, now might be the time to try.
Think you might have a foot fetish? We wrote a whole article about that.
Scissoring is exclusively for two people with vaginas. If you’ve watched lesbian porn, you’ve probably seen it.
Basically, two people rub their clits against each other in whatever position works for them. In a classic scissoring position, you both lie down, open your legs, and scootch close to each other.
Many people don’t feel like scissoring works very well for them, so it’s not a prerequisite to girl on girl sex or anything. But it’s worth a try, right?
Whether you want a necktie around your wrists or to be suspended in the air by rope, bondage is always a fun idea to get the night going.
There are all sorts of tools you can use for bondage, including special rope, handcuffs, under the bed restraints, and aerial restraints. Use can range from vanilla to very, very kinky.
Just make sure you’re safe, that the person can escape if they need to, and that you don’t lose the key!
Tantric sex is all about connecting with your body. This means going slow and savoring every sensation. This can mean that sex goes on for hours or even days.
At a beginner level, you can try having sex in a few ways. Meditate before your session. Before you start, gaze into each other’s eyes for a minute or more while you sit on each other’s laps. Be present in the moment. Also, don’t spend the whole time chasing orgasm. Pay more attention to your partner and their sensations.
Sound complicated? Check out our tantric sex guide.
Fire play involves putting fire near or on a person’s skin to create sexual arousal or pleasure. One type is fire fleshing, which involves putting a flammable substance on your body in a design, lighting it on fire, then immediately wiping it away. Some people might also participate in fire flogging, which uses a flogger that’s on fire.
Fire play is super dangerous, and if you’re into it, you should probably take some classes to learn more. We have an introductory article that will teach you the basics.
This is when a person with a penis thrusts between their partner’s thighs, usually with lube. It’s been a popular sex act since ancient Greece, when men who had sex with men were engaged in it. Standing, face to face intercrural intercourse was called “the gay male missionary position of ancient Greece.”
You don’t have to be gay to do it, though! There are lots of positions to do this in, either standing up or laying down, facing each other or from behind. If you have a clit, you might be able to do it in a way there they rub against it while they’re thrusting.
This one isn’t for everyone, but if you’re into golden showers, they’re a great way to have sex without any penetration.
In case you missed the memo, a golden shower is peeing on someone (or having them pee on you). Sometimes they’re for sexual dominance, or humiliation, or a person might even like the taste. There are all sorts of ways to enjoy watersports. If you’re worried about the mess, try it in the shower first!
We even have a whole article about it, if you’re feeling wet and wild.
You’ve heard of a handjob. You’ve heard of a blowjob. Ever heard of a footjob?
It’s exactly what it sounds like. You use your feet to jack off a dick. This could be because one or both of you have a foot fetish, but it’s also just a new skill to try. It sounds pretty hard, dexterity-wise, so if you can do it, it’s a bit of an accomplishment.
Also, if you’re into it, you can give a person with a vagina a footjob. You just use your feet to stimulate their clitoris or vulva. Generally, this doesn’t include inserting your toes or feet anywhere, which is probably for the best.
Is it just me, or is it getting a little hot in here?
Wax play is a BDSM practice that involves dripping hot wax over your partner. It hurts so good and can be used to make beautiful patterns and designs. If you like spanking and restraints and want to try something new, wax play is a great option.
It is, however, a more advanced kind of BDSM, and you need to make sure you have the right supplies so the person having wax dripped on them isn’t hurt. We have an in-depth guide to wax play that will teach you all about how to get started.
Many people want to jump straight to getting clothes off and neglect simple sex acts like making out!
Making out does lots of things to your body. It gets your blood flowing to your erogenous zones like your genitals and nipples. It stimulates your adrenal glands which produces adrenaline. Plus, your brain produces dopamine and oxytocin, which is said to bond people together.
Everyone needs some time to warm up before they move onto more intense sexual exploits. Making out, whether furiously or sensually, gives you time to get the motor running.
When you do this, a guy (or anyone with a dick) puts their penis in between someone’s breasts and goes to town. It’s best if you use lube, but most people won’t mind either way, because a lot of people are into this one.
(Side note: Wikipedia calls this “mammary intercourse,” which might be the least appealing name of all time.)
If you have smaller boobs, you might think you can’t do this one. That’s not true! The way to make it happen is to get on top. Kneel between their legs and put their penis between your tits. This lets gravity help you. If you’d like, you can also put a toy between your legs, like a panty vibe or a suction cup dildo, and go to town!
Want to change up the power dynamics of your relationship (or play up current ones)? There’s a kink for that!
Power play is a large part of BDSM. It might involve ordering a sub around, restricting them, or embarrassing them. Both parties are both super into it, which makes treatment that normally would be frowned upon okay. Words like “daddy” and “master” can come into play here.
BDSM is a complex world, so you’ll want to do your research before you take it up. It’s important that everything is safe, sane, and consensual so that you’re in a good place going in.
There are more senses involved with sex than just touch. Even with touch, there are different sensations you can play with that will change your whole view of what sex can be.
First, a blindfold can really play with power dynamics and show how much you trust your partner. When both of you are kinky, you know that absolutely anything could come your way.
Other ways to play with the senses include scented candles or lotions, feathers, ice, food, flavored lube, or sexy music.
They always say that the best way to know what you like in bed is to jerk off. Maybe the best way for your partner to learn how to please you is to pleasure yourself in front of them.
It can be incredibly hot to watch your partner masturbate. You can still interact with each other, watch each other, and even talk; you don’t have to pretend like there’s a sheet of bulletproof glass in between you. Trying this out doesn’t mean you’re not ready to have penetrative sex or anything of the sort. It’s just a new way to see your partner and learn about each other.
Plus, if you can’t contain yourself and need to interrupt them in the middle, they probably won’t say no.
If your bedroom is usually pretty mushy and romantic, maybe it’s time to try something new.
Dirty talk can range from pretty tame “ooh yeah, baby, fuck me” to “get on your knees, you filthy slut” to probably something we shouldn’t write in this article. It’s okay to be into some of it and not be into other things. For example, there might be certain words that freak you out, like gendered slurs like “whore” and “bitch.” You can have a conversation with your partner about what works for you.
Dirty talk allows you to put on personas and become different people, if you want to. Of course you wouldn’t say mean things to your partner in real life, but dirty talk opens up a different world.
Breath play is intentionally restricting or completely cutting off your partner’s air supply by choking, strangling, or suffocating.
Any type of erotic asphyxiation is kinda dangerous, and shouldn’t be undertaken by beginning level kinksters. However, if you think you’re ready, breath play can heighten orgasms and almost serve as a drug for some people.
Don’t worry. We have an article about this one, too.
Intergluteal sex is butt sex...but not in the way you’d expect.
It’s sort of like tittyfucking. The person with the penis puts it between their lover’s asscheeks and thrusts like he would if he were fucking them. This is best if you use lube (like in most things).
This is a great way to get in some butt play without committing to full-on anal. Maybe you didn’t prep beforehand, or maybe you’re just too tired, or maybe this is a stepping stone to penetrative anal. Either way, your partner can get it on with your butt without actually entering.
This is probably the most obvious option, and we put it at the bottom of the list to show you it’s not the only one!
Oral is probably a very underutilized part of your sexual arsenal. A lot of men say blowjobs feel even better than sex, and many women have much more luck getting off when they’re being eaten out than when they’re being penetrated. If everyone likes it so much, why don’t we do it more?
Probably because we don’t view it as “real sex.” It’s only the warmup to the main event.
This doesn’t have to be true! You can give each other oral as the culminating part of the evening.
Let yourself get rid of the idea that you have to end a night with intercourse. Try just doing oral and other non-penetrative sex acts a couple of times, and see whether you’re just as satisfied.
We’re willing to bet you’ll barely miss it.
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