Paddles, whips, and canes – oh my! Impact play for beginners

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Who knows how it happened, but it’s here. The desire to spank or be spanked has been let out of the proverbial bottle, and now you can’t get the fantasy out of your head. Well buckle up, baby. You’re about to dip your feet in the water. The rich world of impact play has been around for at least 2500 years, when Etruscans first decided the sensation was so sweet, they needed to showcase it as art. Since then, our collective love of spanking hasn’t slowed down yet. So lean in. Whether the desire reared its head just this week, or you’ve been harboring your desires since the first time you cracked open a Jacqueline Carey novel in the 2000s, let your hair down. Times are hard; 2020’s been a doozy. You deserve a good time, and that includes indulging in the finer things in life, from a good cup of joe to a wooden paddle on that booty.

All good spankings start with communication

We take it for granted at every turn, but communication is the most important part of every person’s sex life. Even in the most vanilla of relationships, we need to discuss our fantasies and boundaries if we hope to get anywhere meaningful – and when you start adding kinks with a bite to the mix, it’s more important than ever to make sure you’re communicating clearly.

If you’re partnered, tell your lover about your fantasy of giving or receiving spanks. It’s best to bring it up at a relatively neutral time, so don’t broach the subject with your hands down their pants. Instead, bring it up during a quiet moment in bed, or when you’re feeling a tad devilish over a cocktail. Giving them space to process your fantasy helps both of you avoid rash answers and hurt feelings. The open conversation lets your partner articulate a response without feeling pressured in the heat of the moment, as well.

With both of you open to a real conversation, you can both stretch your desires out on the table.

You can’t spell “spanking” without consent

If your sex life has been free of pain play up until this moment, you still hopefully know about consent. Sex is only consensual when all parties have given an explicit and enthusiastic “yes.” You should never have sex without that basic requirement, and any sex that fails to have an explicit and enthusiastic “yes” is rape.

It’s simple enough, but when you incorporate impact play into the mix, things can get complicated. Do your part, and check that you still have consent at each and every turn your impact play takes. Talking in the bedroom is sexy, and communicating about it is both essential and a major turn on – especially when you do it right. Communication doesn’t mean you give one spank, stop, run around to the other side, and look them in the eyes for confirmation. 

To keep it sexy while exploring impact play, employ a safe word before the fun even begins. If you’re new to safe words, it might seem awkward, but it’s the only way to make sure you’re playing safe. And if you aren’t able to talk about safety measures, you aren’t ready for impact play. End of story.

Be brave enough to pursue your fantasies, and talk about it. With impact play, the classic stoplight safe words work great. Instead of one safe word that just means “stop,” the stoplight words let you convey three very different feelings:

  • Green: This safe word signals that the person being spanked is enjoying what’s happening, and can take more heat.
  • Yellow: Right in the middle, yellow means that your partner is nearing their limit, but they don’t want you to stop. When you hear this word, you can ease up a bit, and even ask them how they’re doing, but you don’t have to stop the whole scene.
  • Red: when you hear this word in the bedroom, stop everything. Unlike yellow, you shouldn’t continue spanking them more gently. The scene is put on hold, so you can check in with your partner, ask them what they need, and switch into a caretaking role if needed.

This three-level approach works well because it helps the person getting spanked guide the one doing the spanking – which is vital when you’re both learning a whole new way to play.

Safety 101

Once you’ve established safe words and talked about consent, you’re ready to start exploring impact play at the most basic level. The first thing you need to know is that pain play doesn’t mean game on for the whole body. There are some places you should never hit with your hand, a paddle, or a flogger. 

Since most people play with the booty, thighs, and back, the most common off-limits zone is the mid-back. The center of your back is sensitive and soft, and houses vital organs like your kidneys. Misplaced thwacks can end with you or your partner seriously injured.

Play it safe by sticking to the buns, thighs, and upper back. For play around the upper back, stick to the area around the shoulder blades, to avoid damaging anything major. After all, with impact play, the most we’re looking for are bruises that make it hard to sit for a week, a red bottom, and maybe some sweet welts from a cane – not a trip to the ER.

Hurt, don’t harm

You’re new to the game, you’re excited. Ther world of impact play is finally opening up in front of you – and since watching Secretary, you know a good spanking like that is what you’ve been yearning for. And now that you’ve got consent and safe words in your corner, you’re almost in the clear for building your sexy kink skills.

But if you’re just starting out, you need to learn one final distinction that’s central to all pain play: we’re here to hurt, not harm. The difference may seem like semantics from the outside, but the two words make a world of difference. When you hurt someone, it’s a fleeting thing. Thwacks and slaps and spanks may hurt, and they might even bruise for a week, but they’re ultimately impermanent. Any damage done is superficial. 

Harm, on the other hand, lasts. It’s more than skin deep, and often has consequences attached to it. Physically harming someone means hurting their organs or bones through improper and untrained play. You may injure your partner in a way that requires medical attention, or otherwise take your play over an edge that can’t be healed with some ice and snuggles. That harm isn’t limited to physical transgressions, either. It can have mental and emotional implications, too. 

If you’re not taking care to vocalize fantasies, listen to body cues and safe words, and talk thoroughly with your partner, you may cross a line without realizing it. If something during impact play makes your partner feel legitimately afraid, uncertain, or unsafe, you can cause emotional trauma and damage your relationship’s trust. 

Crossing those boundaries harms you both, and may close the door on new experiences together down the road. Hurting is good; harming is not. Remember the difference, and discuss them with your partner(s) as you delve into this world of impact play.

Understanding the flavor of your pleasure

Impact play is a rich world of sensations and delights, and now that you’re on the road to discovering where you fit into this vibrant community, you’re ready to explore what that pleasure looks like to you.

Start by understanding your pain tolerance

You may be eager to dive in and get those welts that linger, but start slow. Explore your pain tolerance and get well acquainted with it so you can learn what your boundaries are, and where you get the most pleasure. 

Our culture feeds us the lie that if we’re going to do something, we have to push it to the max. We all say “go big or go home” about basically everything, from whether to have another drink to asking for a raise. When it comes to sex, throw that attitude right out the window. Discover what kind of impact play works for you without judging yourself about how hard or soft you like it. Don’t worry about what other people have to say, and just explore your own sensations, free of any ideas about what your pleasure should look like.

You can love impact play while not having a high pain tolerance. You can also love impact play and ramp those dials up to ten. They’re both legit ways to get it on. Whatever tickles your fancy, remember that you’re the author and agent of your own sexuality. Even the most submissive person is ultimately steering their ship by choosing to submit. So be proud of how you like it – no matter what that means.

As you explore, start with less painful spanks than you’d think you’d need, and ramp it up slowly. If you’re the one doing the spanking, check in with your partner as you go harder and harder – and listen for their green, yellow, and red cues. The slowness of discovery will make the pleasure all the more sweet.

Thuddy or stingy?

There are two words in the impact play sphere that sum up the main kinds of pleasure to explore: thuddy and stingy. These words help you communicate to more experienced partners what it is you’re looking for, and help you differentiate the kinds of toys you’re after.

Thuddy pain is lower, duller, and spreads over a broad stretch of your body. Paddles, hands, and floggers spread out their impact, delivering a delightful thud. 

Stingy pain, on the other hand, is sharp and high. It comes from a single point, and has a much more centralized feeling. The best toys in the trade for trick? Canes, rods, and single point whips.

Selecting the toys of the trade

To explore the true range of pleasure your body is capable of, there’s nothing like a little toy to take things to the next level. Impact play has been around so long, there are many diverse and titillating toys to choose from – and here are some of the classics.

Paddles

Ever had daydreams about the classic stern schoolmaster (or, okay, just Professor Snape)? A paddle may have just found its way into your fantasy – but this toy’s fun doesn’t end at its associations with classic roleplay scenarios. They’re amazing because they boast a remarkable heft, and that weight makes the paddle a perfect choice for achieving that thuddy joy.

Another reason to go with a paddle? They’re a great starting point for your first impact play toy. Thanks to their straightforward design, paddles are hands down the easiest toy for beginners to wield, so you can spend less time familiarizing yourself with it, and more time getting down to kinky business.

Even though they’re easy to use, play smart and start slow, building up to maximum pleasure. Shop around before taking the plunge to see what kind of paddle works for you – a good sex store will have several options to choose from, so hold them in your hand to get a feel for the right material and size. 

Most paddles are typically made of rubber or wood. Depending on the sensation you’re after, one may suit you more. Slapping rubber contours to your booty, while wood holds firm, giving a sharp and less yielding sensation. 

Don’t have the funds to splurge on a new paddle? You can always try the back of a wooden hairbrush and invoke the classic introduction to BDSM.

Whips

Craving a sharper bite? With a steady hand, you can incorporate whips into the bedroom. What’s beautiful about the world of whips is their diversity. Floggers deliver a thuddy ache, while crop whips shine with a stingy kind of pain that sings across your skin. When done correctly, whips can leave welts that your partner won’t forget. Whichever kind of whip you choose though, you’re in for a treat with a little bit of practice.

Start easy.. Whips may be fun and picturesque, but they can be tough to get familiar with. Don’t go full Indiana Jones right out the gate, and consider opting for a crop whip or other smaller toy at first to gain confidence in your skills. Before bringing the toy over to your lover’s house, practice on a pillow, and watch an instructional video first.

Canes and rods

Easier than a whip but a little trickier than a paddle, the rod is just right. These stinging toys are usually made of wood, and are every spankee’s delight. If you want a sharp pain, but don’t want to bother with a whip, a rod is the perfect toy for you. 

Straightforward in design, don’t let them fool you: they can leave some marks. If you’re feeling a little tentative, consider a rod bundle. The multiple rods in one ease up on the intensity, delivering strong sensations without getting too intense.

Bare hands

You don’t have to worry about buying a toy to get started. Bare hands can provide deep pleasure and offer you the greatest level of control. Experimenting with your hand is ideal for beginners who want to learn before they start to wield a toy. 

Rather than springing for a complicated flogger, get familiar with how different impacts elicit different responses in your partner with a hands on approach. Your hand are also versatile pleasure bringers. Incorporate other textures and see how your partner reacts: try raking your nails over the places you’ve spanked, or rub your hand over their red booty to add some tasty friction.

Other kinds of impact play

Not all impact play happens over bent knee or against a St. Andrew’s Cross. For some of us, face slapping, punching, or both are the best way to explore the depths of impact play. These two variations are considered more intense by some, and therefore require greater care.If you and your partner want to try punching, communicate extensively first. When you think you’re ready, keep in mind four key things.

  • Avoid bony areas, as well as places that house delicate organs, like the gut. Some good places to punch that won’t harm your partner are the chest, upper back, upper arms, and thighs.
  • When you punch, don’t go for it at full strength. Instead, try about half of your power and see how your partner reacts. As you learn how to play this way, communicate with each other at each new step – and unless your partner is much larger or stronger than you, avoid going at your full strength altogether.
  • Position your fist well. Don’t use the knuckles of your fist like you would in a fight – this can break both their bones and yours. Instead, use the flat plane of your fingers between the first and second knuckle, and keep your fist relatively loose. For your own safety, don’t tuck your thumb under your fingers, but leave it out.
  • Close the distance. You may think that going full force and hauling your fist all the way back will give the best hit, but hold up. While that will be memorable, it won’t be for the right reasons. Maintain control of your aim and force by keeping your fist about six inches from the desired point of impact. You’ll still be able to deliver a wallop, but won’t harm them on accident.

If you’re new to this kind of impact play, be incredibly careful. This is for advanced and experienced kinksters. Communicate a lot, watch many videos, and consider hiring a pro domme to teach you how it’s done.

Face slapping

Face slapping is less intense than punching, but you still need to know what you’re doing to avoid harming your partner. A well placed slap has your partner skyrocketed off to Blissville and seeing stars. Keep your palm open when you make your strike, and be careful of where you hit. Avoid the jaw, ear, and cheekbone. Instead, triangulate a space between the three, finding that fleshy part of their cheek.

That way, your partner will feel the zing without any lingering jaw pain or ringing ears.

Learn from the best

Playing like this is a hands-on activity, and you can’t be a master overnight. But when your partner’s physical wellbeing hinges on your skills, it’s smart to take as many precautions as possible.

The best way to learn? Getting some professional help. A fun way to do that is to hit up a local play party or sex club. Many play parties are a tasting platter of a variety of kinks, welcoming the most seasoned Fet Lifers and the newly curious with open arms. A play party gives you the chance to explore many kinds of pleasure without needing to be a pro. If you’re partnered, go together to a play party and talk to the person who’s doling out spankings. 

They’ll be happy to spank one of you while the other watches. As you watch, notice how they build up the event, starting slow, teasing, backing off. Listen to how they communicate about boundaries. The person working a play party knows what they’re doing, and have been doing impact play long enough that they’re trusted by the community to model good spanking etiquette.

If they aren’t too busy, you can even ask them to show you directly how it’s done. They may let you wield the spanking implements and help you participate in your partner’s experience. With their help, you can take that pleasure into the bedroom again, and again, and again.

Impact play’s a journey

You don’t have to be a pro overnight. This delicious world is here to stay, so take time to find out exactly what brand of pleasure works for you, and communicate lots along the way. You may be a newbie now, but with a little practice and a lot of humor, you’ll be on your way to exchanging pain in the bedroom like you never dreamt of before.