How to Spice Up a Kinky Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships are difficult. There’s lots of pining, texting, and long Skype conversations. Even if you can meet up sometimes, it’s never enough.

LDRs are even more difficult for kinky people. So much of kink is very tactile, like worshipping someone’s feet or flogging them from behind. It can be difficult for doms and subs to conduct their relationship without close proximity. Plus, kinksters are usually more sexual than most vanilla folks. If an LDR is monagomous, not having sex at all can be super hard.

However, kinky long distance relationships are possible. It’s just important that you keep trying new things and engaging your partner in different ways. Experimenting is a huge part of the fun of sex, and that doesn’t change if you’re communicating from far away.

Give voyeurism a try

Voyeurism is one of the most common fetishes, and it’s a huge rush to watch someone get off. 7.7% of people in one survey said they have had at least one experience of being sexually aroused by spying on others. Liking voyeurism is definitely something you can play with in your LDR.

Skype sex is probably something you’ve already tried in your kinky long distance relationship. However, it’s possible to put a kinky spin on having sex on camera.

Your partner can pretend that they don’t know you’re there once they turn on their webcam. You might even be able to rig it so that they just have their camera on for a whole day so they don’t know when you’re watching. This lets you feel like you’re getting a hidden slice of their life and will give you a thrill.

If your partner is the one who’s into watching, try not to make it obvious that you know they’re there. Don’t look at the camera too much. Go about your daily activities for a while; it will build suspense. Don’t worry about your significant other getting bored. They’re waiting in anticipation for the show.

You can do lots of things, like walking around in your underwear or naked, taking your clothes off entirely, watching porn, and ultimately masturbating. If you feel like giving a performance, don’t shy away from it. It’s okay to get off on being watched as much as it is to get off watching.

Buy long distance sex toys

How did people have LDRs without technology? Nowadays, you’re able to access your partner at the touch of a button. But there’s a new invention in town: you can actually get them off just by opening a smart phone app. There are a ton of sex toys made specifically for long distance couples. They can either let you get your partner off or even simulate real sex.

The most popular sex toys like this are made for people with vaginas. The We-Vibe Sync inserts into the vagina to stimulate the G-spot and clit at the same time. It is adjustable so you can make sure it fits just right, so it can be worn all day. It can also be controlled remotely from anywhere using a smartphone app.

This means that you can wear this toy, and your partner can surprise you with stimulation at some random point in the day. Many people are into the idea of getting off in public without anyone noticing, and this toy is great for that. (It may be a little loud to go unnoticed in a quiet office, though, so maybe have your partner avoid using it from 9-5.) It’s especially fantastic if you’re at a concert or a loud bar.

If you don’t have a vagina or just like anal stimulation, you can get a vibrating buttplug, too. It works a lot like the We-Vibe Sync, which means that it’s controlled from a smartphone app. This allows other people to experience some stimulation while out on the town.

You can also use toys together. You can buy male masturbators and rabbit massagers so you can pretend you’re having sex with each other. You can even buy a paired set. These are probably intended to be used in a more lovey dovey missionary way, but you definitely don’t have to use them that way. Use them as instruments for whatever kinky sex you would be having if you were together. The sky’s the limit. 

Feeling super kinky and have $1,500 to spend? You or your partner can get a sex machine that’s controlled by an app, too. You can get more sexually creative than you think, even if you’re separated by an ocean.

Role play

After a while, chatting over Skype for hours might start to feel a little monotonous. Of course you want to see your partner, but you would probably be doing other stuff if they were there with you.

A great option to spice things up is role playing. This is a kink that can work just as well long distance as it can IRL. You just have to figure out the scenario you’re interested in and bring it to life.

The best part of using role playing in an LDR is that you can use your distance to think of unique scenarios. For example, maybe one of you is a cam girl and one of you is her new client. You could be conducting a remote job interview when things get a little heated. You could even be a therapist and patient who meet online.

It’s possible to come up with a ton of scenarios, and all of them can change things up and help keep the sexual part of your relationship alive.

Watch the same porn

For most people, watching porn is a solitary activity. However, watching the same porn can be an intimate activity, even if you don’t view it at the same time.

Send your partner porn clips that you find and enjoy. Send them personalized messages telling them that you’d love to try this out with them or that you’re thinking of them. This lets them know what you like and can get them off, too.

The two of you could even consider getting a membership to a porn site together. This would let you find the same videos and compare notes. Plus, it supports sex workers and makes sure they’re paid for their labor.

Set tasks

If you’re in a BDSM relationship, it can be difficult to feel like you’re maintaining the right level of control from far away. You can’t check your sub’s work as easily and you don’t always have access to them.

An easy way to maintain this power dynamic is for the dom to set a list of tasks for the sub to do each day. The tasks could be once a day or even every hour. These don’t all have to be sexual. (That would probably get exhausting.) They can be tasks that are difficult for the sub, as well as some that are useful to them in the long run.

For example, a dom could tell a sub to masturbate every hour, but not orgasm. This is called edging, and it’s a great way to make a sub feel helpless and overwhelmed. They’ll have to report back about whether they did it or whether they failed, which can lead to punishment. 

You can also set tasks like “don’t smoke today” or “workout for an hour.” These make your sub better and also make them think of you. If it’s possible for them to do any errands for you long distance, like maybe paying a bill or checking your email, this is a good option, too.

If you’re the sub, these tasks should put you in the sub space and make it clear how much your dom cares about you. Plus, if you don’t do them, the punishments can be oh so sweet.

Pamper them

It’s important to consider your lover’s kinks when trying to spice up an LDR. If either of you have a foot or hand fetish, these parts of the body should not be neglected.

If you’re the one who’s into hands or feet, sending presents is a great way to highlight their features and pamper them. Find lotion that comes in their favorite scents or nail polishes in your favorite colors. They’ll never be upset if you buy them a new pair of shoes. You can also pay for their manicures or pedicures. This is a chance for them to relax, and you can enjoy the appearance later.

If your significant other has one of these fetishes, you can put on a show for them. Buy yourself sexy shoes, tights, or gloves. Surprise them with Facetime conversations where you massage your feet. This will help satisfy their kinky side.

Write erotica

It probably wouldn’t be easy to film a sex tape in a long distance relationship. However, one way to fantasize about new things you can try when you get together is to write them down as erotica.

You don’t have to be an amazing writer to try your hand at writing erotic stories. You probably know what you and your partner find sexy, so it will be tailor made for the two of you. Your partner also won’t be looking through it with a red pencil circling every wrong usage or “your” and “you’re.” They’ll be too busy putting their hands down their pants.

The best part about erotica is that the sky’s the limit. You don’t have to set your creations in the present day in one of your bedrooms. You can be a princess and a knight in a forbidden relationship. You can be a werewolf and his human sex slave. Hell, you can even be aliens if you want to.

Once you’re done writing your piece, consider mailing it to your partner instead of just sharing a Google Doc. Your handwriting will make it all the more intimate and tactile. Spray it with perfume or include sexy pictures to make the gift even more irresistible.

Consider chastity play

Chastity play is an exciting BDSM practice that works great long distance. While you engage in chastity play, the dom places a chastity device on the sub, which keeps them from accessing their genitals (and sometimes anus). For people with penises, it makes it so they can’t get an erection.

This can be a form of orgasm control, with the dominant wanting to know exactly when the sub is getting off. Some people use chastity devices in LDRs if they’re concerned their partner might be unfaithful. (If you’re into that, that’s great, but you have to trust your partner, too.)

Chastity belts are most often used for people with vaginas, and penis cages are the norm for people with that anatomy. There are big bulky chastity belts, but generally, you’re looking for something that won’t be obvious under the clothes. There are many cheap options for female chastity belts.

There are lots of options for penis cages. Make sure you pick something made of silicone or metal if you’re looking at long-term wear. You’ll need to make sure that the sizing is correct, or else you could restrict too much and end up in a dangerous situation. (One guy had to have his dick cut off because this happened and he couldn’t find the key. Don’t be that guy.)

Long distance chastity is a little trickier than doing it in person. This is because the whole point of the chastity device is that your sub doesn’t have the key. However, if there’s an emergency, they absolutely need access to the key. It’s a really bad idea to have the only copy of the key 500 miles away.

There are a few different ways that couples deal with this. First, you can have your sub put the key in a safe or object with a combination lock. If they’re part of a kinky community, they could have a friend set it. Otherwise, they can do it without looking, take a picture, then scramble the lock. If there’s a problem, the dom can give them the combination. This can be dangerous, though, because if the lock isn’t set properly, no one will be able to get the key out.

There’s a more DIY solution. Have your sub put the key in a wine bottle, put a cork in it, then cover it with wax. Choose a distinctive label for the bottle, maybe something that’s expensive and they wouldn’t want to spend the money on again. Have your sub send you a picture of the bottle every day to prove that it’s still intact.

You can also purchase a device that controls a penis cage from your phone. It’s not cheap, but it’s pretty cool. It has a timer, and the battery lasts for months before it needs to be charged.

But really, make sure they can access the key in some way. For example, if they’re flying to see you, they’ll have to go through TSA. I think it’s safe to say that you don’t want your sub going through a metal detector or body scanner with a chastity device strapped to them. Figure something out.

Send a package

It’s great to have things that remind you of your partner, especially if they’re far away. Try to send them things in the mail, even if it’s just a handwritten letter. They’ll be excited just to see your handwriting on the envelope or box.

Here are some ideas for things to send:

Lingerie

Getting your partner something new and sexy to wear is a great idea. They get to feel seductive, and you get to see them wear it! It might not be possible to make it a surprise, especially if you’re getting a bra. It’s better to ask than surprise them with the wrong size.

If you’re into leather, you can get them some leather wear. This doubles as sexy and kinky. If your partner is female you have tons of options. But there are definitely leather choices for dudes as well.

If you’ve never gotten your sub a collar, this is a powerful statement that they’re yours. There are lots of attractive styles, and you can tell them when they have to wear it. Don’t forget to get a lock to put on the front to show that they’re taken.

Sexy coloring book

If your significant other seems like they might like coloring books, you can actually make this activity sexy! NSFW coloring books exist and can be a great distraction. Coloring can be a great way to help subs come down from a scene, which can be difficult if their dom is not there. They can also help with depression and anxiety.

Something to cuddle with

LDRs can get lonely. A body pillow, teddy bear, or something else to cuddle with can be a comfort. It can serve as a stand in for the real thing when stuff gets rough. This can also help subs come down from their sub space and help them pretend that their dom is there to cuddle with them.

Photos

Sending sexy photos is pretty standard in a relationship nowadays. However, one thing that can make it feel a little more risky is sending physical copies. You can get yourself a polaroid camera and get creative. If you want, you can also use your phone and get them printed at a drugstore. (You may feel weird about printing NSFW images there, but we can guarantee the photo clerk has seen weirder.)

You can get creative with these pictures. Take pictures that cater to your lover’s kinks. Spank yourself, massage your feet, or pour some wax on your breasts. They can keep these photos in their bedside table until they see you again.

Erotic hypnosis

If you’ve never tried out erotic hypnosis, you’re missing out. It’s a way that your partner can give you an orgasm just with their voice, so it’s perfect for couples in long distance relationships. 

It’s basically a guided meditation that relaxes you and turns you on. When you’re hypnotized, you’re more open to the power of suggestion. Once you’re under the speaker’s spell, they can get you to orgasm.

This trance-like state can feel strange at first, but it’s especially helpful in BDSM. Hypnotizing a sub puts the dom in a strong position and they can exercise power over them.

Erotic hypnosis takes practice. You probably won’t be able to do it right away without any training. The best thing you and your partner can do is watch some erotic hypnosis videos on YouTube. Try to keep an open mind and breathe deeply. There are some examples here and here, but you can search and look for one that works for you.

If you’ll be hypnotizing your lover, study these videos and how they work. Take notes. It might help to write a script for your first time.

If it doesn’t work right away and you’re really interested in the concept, don’t be discouraged. Keep trying until your partner can come by only hearing your voice. It’s a powerful feeling.

Mail them your panties

People respond strongly to the smell of their partners. That’s why people are more attractive to people whose perfume smells good. But smells that come directly from the body activate a primal part of the brain. The smell of used panties contains pheromones, the chemical that attracts animals to each other for mating. Humans are not immune from this desire.

Exchanging used underwear is a way to remember how attracted you are to your partner. You can remember what they smell like, which will evoke other memories (probably of your amazing dalliances). They can connect you in a unique way. If you’re into it, you can even smell the underwear while you masturbate, wear them, or sleep with them under your pillow.

If you’re going to send underwear to your partner, pick out a cute pair that you know they’ll love. Make sure you wear them for several days so that the smell is stronger. Then, pack them in a ziplock bag, put them in a box, and send them away.

Being in a kinky long distance relationship is difficult, but it’s definitely not impossible. If you work hard to keep the kinkiness alive in your relationship by doing things like buying each other leather, trying new stuff like chastity play, and sending each other used panties, you can keep the flame alive.

Kink can be sent through the mail or through the computer screen just as well as it can IRL.