BDSM punishments can be a way for the dominant to train their submissive or they can be used more for fun - most of the time it’s the former. This article will be geared more towards dominants since they will be the ones doling out the punishments.
Discipline is a big part of BDSM relationships (hence being in the acronym), and it’s really quite simple: encouragement for good behavior (or when things are done right) and discipline for bad behavior (or when things are done incorrectly).
Discipline, within the confines of a BDSM relationship, is meant to be a reminder of the guidelines and expectations from the dominant to the submissive. You should never discipline out of anger or disrespect - these punishments should come from a place of teaching and guidance.
BDSM contracts, in case you didn’t know, are pretty common. A BDSM contract can be an actual written-out document acts that both parties sign or it can be a verbal contract that is discussed and communicated over when needed.
For punishments, it may be easier (for the sake of memory, at the very least) to have some written out rules.
As a dominant, you don’t just assign punishments. First, like everything else BDSM-related, they need to be discussed and agreed upon. Although your naughty little sub has done something wrong, they need to know in advance what the punishment for that will be.
This is why I personally find it easiest to have a written-out list, so you can go through point-by-point and discuss each task and what the suitable punishment should be for not completing that task properly.
In order for a punishment to be fair and effective, your submissive needs to understand they’ve taken a misstep. If your submissive is able to communicate to you what mistake they have made, that’s great. If not, this is a perfect teachable moment to bond with your submissive and re-explain your expectations.
Punishments that come when the submissive isn’t fully aware of their mistake or error can be incredibly confusing and even harmful to your dynamic.
Something you can do, if you still want to catch your submissive off guard with punishment is to have various punishments that suit various misbehaviors.
For example, a spanking, orgasm withholding, or restrictive play can all be punishments for one specific misbehavior. When your submissive misbehaves in this way, he/she will know that they are going to get one of three punishments, depending on your mood.
After is always important. This is a message I’ll shout until I’ve lost my voice. It cannot be overstated, so I’ll just keep stating it. If your punishment is a physical punishment (spanking or caning, as examples), your submissive may have physical requirements for aftercare. If your punishment is more emotional or mental, checking in with your partner once the punishment is complete or the scene has ended is important.
When it comes to BDSM punishments, you and your partner can have a bit of fun coming up with a list that suits you. These should be things that your partner (the submissive) is consenting to do if/when certain submissive expectations are not met.
Spanking is a classic. Do a bad thing, get a spanking - it’s pretty common sense. Experienced and inexperienced BDSM participants alike can implement the idea of spanking as punishments into their dynamic.
Common areas to spank include the butt or thighs. Spanking can be used as a humiliating punishment (bending your submissive over your knee and scolding them as you punish) or it can be used as more of a tease if impact play is something your submissive loves.
Spankings can also be doled out with certain objects (other than your hands), using something more intense if your submissive has broken the same rule more than once. You can use paddles, riding crops, canes, a belt...the possibilities are endless.
One of the best punishments (in my opinion) is a delayed orgasm. No orgasm at all can feel intense and a bit over-the-top for me (as I don’t tend to act out in any over-the-top ways), so delayed orgasms are perfect for teaching your sub a lesson for the first time.
Not allowing your submissive to cum when they want to, making them wait for pleasure and putting your needs before their own, watching you experience the pleasure they are being temporarily denied...it can be a great way to punish your submissive.
Completely withholding orgasms is another way to go if your naughty sub really hasn’t learned their lesson the first time. Say they have broken the same rule twice in one week - you may need to up the punishment to something a little more severe.
Consider not allowing them to cum for a certain amount of time (24 hours, maybe), despite all your teasing and the pleasure they are giving to you - and this will teach them a lesson they won’t soon forget!
Bondage can also be a good form of punishment or discipline. For example, keeping your submissive’s hands tied behind their back while they are kneeling in front of you (for a set amount of time) can teach restraint and obedience.
Restriction is another way to go - taking something away from your submissive that they really enjoy. This can be kissing during sex, it can be their phone, it can be banishing them to the couch for an evening while you sleep alone in bed...really taking away something of value to them (for a limited amount of time) can do the trick.
Other restrictions can include:
You don’t have to tie your submissive up to punish them, though...mental bondage is enough to do the trick sometimes. What is mental bondage? Well...restraining their mind, of course. This can be something like having your submissive kneel in the corner of the room for a specified amount of time, remaining totally still. Breaking from the position before the time is up can result in another punishment.
If you want to get really wicked about it, Bad Girls Bible suggests having your submissive kneel on something uncomfortable (such as uncooked rice or stones) to really test their dedication.
Some other mental disciplines and/or humiliation ideas are:
“I will not disobey my Master/Mistress” written 30 times on a sheet of paper may be just the old-school discipline your submissive needs to ensure they obey instructions next time they are given.
Writing lines is something none of us like to do (if you were a troublemaker in school a few decades back, you may remember this awful form of punishment) - so having your submissive complete line writing before any more fun can happen may be just what they need.
Cleaning the toilet, scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush, taking out the trash in their ugliest underwear...humiliating chores are great. It’s like killing two birds with one stone: the chores get done and your bratty little slave gets taught a lesson. Simple as that!
If you really want to test your submissive and punish them in a fun way, make them run errands while wearing a wearable vibrator or butt plug. Having them go up to the store and buy you something or go to the post office to mail a letter while wearing a butt plug or remote-controlled vibrator can be torturous for them and fun for you.
Did you submissive not greet you in the right way? Did they not address you with the respect you deserve (ahem, demand)? Well, maybe take away their ability to speak to you at all. Silencing your submissive for a specified amount of time (either with a gag, which we’ll get into later or just by telling them not to speak to you) can be quite a delicious form of punishment for you.
You can take this a step further and demand that they not make a sound while you pleasure them. This can be a little bit of forced orgasm combined with a little bit of punishment - the perfect mix.
Sometimes your sub gets a little too hot to handle. Put your bratty submissive back into their place by putting them into an ice-cold shower with all their clothes on for a minute. Sopping wet and shivering, your submissive will think twice about disobeying next time.
Alright...let’s talk estim punishments. If you and/or your submissive are new to the idea of erotic electrostimulation, you definitely need to do some research into this before testing out this punishment. After all, we are playing with electricity here. If you’re interested, I’ve written an entire guide on erotic e-stim fun (which includes tips on where to shock and what toys are best to play with) - you can find that here.
Electroshocks for punishments...sounds intense, right? Well, it can and it can’t be. There are ways to incorporate safe (but sometimes intense) electrical impulses into your BDSM power dynamic. Little (or not-so-little) shocks can be used as a form of punishment if your submissive has been particularly naughty and disobedient.
You can even add a little “zing” to your spankings with the Fetish Fantasy Shock Paddle (which I actually own and really enjoy).
Let’s talk about gags! Mouth gags are a great way to punish a submissive who talks out of place. Is your slave being naughty? Put a gag around their mouth. This can be a form of humiliation play as well as a form of punishment, not being able to speak while the gag is in.
Interested? Check out our guide on choosing the right mouth gag!
Another tried and true punishment...the timeout. Putting your submissive in the corner for a specified amount of time can be a great way to teach them a lesson. Want to torture them even more? Force them to wear something humiliating or watch you tease yourself while they are helpless in the corner. That will teach them!
Do you have a sub who talks back? Silence them with aggressive oral sex until they submit to you. This has to be one of my favorite punishments on the list - one that we use quite often. As a brat, I like to push my luck and sometimes, when I go too far, my dom will facefuck me until I submit to him. It’s incredibly hot for both parties and the more force they use, the more the submissive’s mouth will throb.
Interested in learning more about facefucking? Well, there’s an article for that.
During my research, I actually found this website called Please Punish Me. The idea here is that if your slave or sub has been particularly naughty, you click “give me a punishment” on the website and it will generate a punishment for you. Fun and surprising!
This is a point that cannot be stressed enough. Creating and implementing punishments for misbehavior is not an excuse to push your submissive behind his/her limits. This is why it’s especially important not to discipline or punish your submissive out of anger or frustration - that’s when this line can become a bit blurred.
Hard limits, according to Kinkly, are limits that are set before BDSM play that cannot be changed for any reason. These are things that either you or your submissive have deemed “off the table” and neither one should attempt to try. These limits are set so that play remains safe and consensual.
Soft limits, on the other hand, are negotiable limits that are set before BDSM play. This is something that your submissive may not feel 100% comfortable with at the time of negotiation but may become more willing and excited after more discussions on the idea. Soft limits are flexible, whereas hard limits are not.
Creating punishments should never test your submissive’s hard OR soft limits. A BDSM punishment should reinforce the idea of positive behavior with a task or activity that your submissive finds uncomfortable but not fearful.
Safewords mean the party stops...immediately. Even if your submissive is in the middle of a punishment they definitely deserve - the moment a safeword or signal is used, stop the punishment, and check-in with your partner.
Submissives should know to only ever use the safeword when they need to, so when it’s said, you know there is a good reason for it.
Extreme punishments can drive a large wedge between you and your submissive, causing resentment and hurt feelings. The punishment should fit the “crime”, so to speak. If your submissive has been talking back, an appropriate reaction would be to take away an endearing pet name that they like to be called for a certain amount of time. An inappropriate punishment would be forbidding that they orgasm for an entire week.
When it comes to creating BDSM punishments, although they will be implemented by you, the dominant, they should be agreed upon by both of you during negotiations. This is why I like to have a list of previously agreed-upon punishments for each infraction that I could cause. This way, no matter the problem, there is a little list of punishments my dom can choose from knowing that I’ve already consented to them ahead of time.
Dom space can be described as an intense, altered state of consciousness that a dominant individual may enter during a BDSM scene or play. Also referred to as “top space”, this can feel like being high on drugs, with amplified sensations and a kind of “out of body” experience.
Dominant partners are to stay in control during play so they can be sensitive to safewords and the needs/limits of their submissive partners. This can be particularly difficult in top space.
Assigning punishments while in top space can be especially delicate because there are many people who say they experience a heightened sense of power and dominance (of course), while in dom space. This heightened state of mind may make it more difficult for you to see objectively and set punishments accordingly.
What I suggest is for you to assign your submissive a word, like a safeword, that they are to use if they notice you are in dom space and it’s impacting your ability to assign proper punishments or engage in safe BDSM play. This word should be different than their safeword and only ever used as a way to check in about dom space.
For example, if your submissive at any point says the word “mango”, you know you need to step back and let the emotions cool before continuing, as you may have been pushing limits due to being in top space yourself.
Alternatively, subspace is also something to pay close attention to in your submissive after they have completed your punishments. This is where aftercare will (and should) come into play. Subspace can be a delicate and strange state of mind. Your job, as their dominant, is to bring them out of subspace carefully and compassionately. Similarly, their job as your submissive is to look after you when you are in topspace and need a hand coming out of it.
It’s important to note that after a punishment, your submissive may require extra care and attention (either physical to attend to wounds/bruises or emotional to comfort and reassure them).
Creating a list of punishments for your submissive can, in itself, be an experience you share together that brings you closer together. Having these be part of a BDSM checklist or just a running memo that you have on an app in your phone can help you keep track of your punishment ideas and know when to set them in motion.
Ultimately, punishments should bring you closer together after they are completed. The goal of the punishment is to create a stronger bond and alliance, to have your submissive learn and grow from the experience.
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