How 50 Shades of Grey Ruined BDSM

BDSM is defined as expressing your fantasies and desires of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, masochism, and sadism. 

But ultimately, BDSM is about completely and totally placing your trust in another person to help you fulfill some of your deepest sexual desires. 

When done safely, it’s about fulfilling what some would consider “unconventional” or “dangerous” desires in a safe and controlled environment. 

One of the biggest issues described in the BDSM community are the misconceptions that people have about BDSM play. And the “popular” book and film series 50 Shades of Grey definitely pushed the idea of BDSM even further from the truth of what safe and healthy BDSM really is. 

In an effort to be transparent, you should note that I put the word “popular” in quotations when referring to this franchise...because I think the books far from perfect. In fact, it’s quite literally very poorly written fan fiction. Which is a real shame, because this kind of series really does have a place in our world today. 

What myself (and countless others) do applaud 50 Shades of Grey for doing is helping countless women open up about their sexuality. This franchise becoming a pop-culture sensation has no doubt helped BDSM become a more “talked about” topic, which is fantastic. 

But that’s about as far as my love for the series goes, and here’s why. 

The 50 Shades franchise got BDSM wrong in so many (dangerous) ways.

We did a podcast on this topic! Listen below or on iTunes, Google Podcasts and Spotify.

Showing Violent Sex, Without Much Background Context

The franchise was happy to show violence integrated with sex but did so in a way where you were missing any and all background context to the situation. 

The most important thing in BDSM culture is to be safe, even while inflicting or enduring pain. And everything must be consensual. Whereas in 50 Shades of Grey, there are quite a few times when Ana agrees to something for the sake of her partner. She agrees because he wants to inflict pain, not because she wants to endure it. 

This promotes a kind of warped sense of what BDSM is - leaving an uneducated audience thinking that it’s healthy to push your own limits past what you enjoy for the sake of giving your partner what they want.

A dangerous precedent is set when mainstream viewers, who aren’t experienced in BDSM play, begin to think that pain and violence don’t have to be agreed to on both sides.

Linking Abuse/PTSD to Enjoying BDSM 

If you were new to the BDSM lifestyle and knew nothing about it, you may have left the theater or put down your book with the assumption that being abused or having some form of PTSD will lead you into trying/enjoying BDSM. “No wonder Christian wanted to inflict pain, with the awful childhood he had…” 

This idea that if pain was inflicted on you, you would get a sexual release from inflicting pain on others...it’s just wildly untrue and I cannot even begin to describe how dangerous that train of thought is. 

It’s heavily implied in books that Christian turned to BDSM as an adult due to the abuse he suffered as a child. Drawing a link between abuse and BDSM is totally off the mark, and a lot of the time what causes the most judgment or backlash for those in the BDSM community. 

Presenting this kind of warped fascination with pain stemming from unhealthy abuse is problematic, to say the least.

Vanilla is Laughable...Everything Has to be Thrills, Pain, and Excitement

I’m going to tell you a secret: couples who enjoy BDSM also enjoy other things like holding hands in the park or going to the movies. They go to work, pay taxes...hell, they might even have kids. What!? Who knew that people who enjoyed BDSM could also just be normal people who do normal things the other 98% of their lives when they aren’t having sex? 

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If you couldn’t sense my intense sarcasm there, this is your disclaimer. 

You know, for some couples, BDSM may be the only way they get off - but for many couples, BDSM is just one of the many things they enjoy in their sex lives. 

Above all, couples who practice BDSM are just that...regular couples. Their whole lives aren’t revolving around kinks, sex clubs, and fetishes. They can be tender and intimate, they fight, they hold hands, they complain about having a headache to get out of sex when they just aren’t in the mood. They are just normal people.

Portraying a BDSM couple on screen hasn’t been done often, and it’s a shame that when it is done, it’s done in a way that presents them as mocking anything they consider “vanilla” in a relationship.

The Red Room is Super Elaborate and A Bit Over the Top

Christian’s red room, where they go to play, portrays BDSM couples as high-maintenance people who have entire rooms in their house dedicated to sex. 

Okay, granted, Christian is wealthy. Maybe if all couples were this wealthy, they might want a room as elaborate as this dedicated to whatever sexual desires they have. But in reality, this is just an over the top depiction that creates a stereotype of high-maintenance lovers with literal walls full of toys and equipment. 

While some BDSM couples do enjoy having a designated space, it totally normal to stash toys, bondage equipment, and other fun accessories in the same drawer as their panties, just as other couples do.

Dominants Are Portrayed as Cold and Devoid of Sentiment

Just because you’re a dom, doesn’t mean you don’t care about your partner. And just because you’re submissive, doesn’t mean you have NO SAY in what goes on. These are my two biggest peeves about the series because they are pivotal facts in the BDSM world.

BDSM is a consensual play between two people who completely and totally trust each other. The series paints Christian (the dominant) to be a bit cold and devoid of emotion, which is actually statistically incorrect, according to this article in Psychology Today. 

It’s this kind of inaccuracy that wrongfully depicts an entire subsection of the BDSM world that can be detrimental. Chalk it up to bad writing or the actor’s choice on how to play the character, but there are very few times where Christian seems to show genuine emotion towards Ana. 

Whether you binge-read the 50 Shades of Grey books or were part of the massive community online dedicated to mocking the series, my point stands firm: 50 Shades of Grey did bring attention to a subject that needs to be more openly talked about and accepted...unfortunately it was just done in a way that some of the most important things about BDSM life are glossed over or ignored entirely.

What about you - what are your thoughts on this franchise? I’d love to know in the comments below because in my experience you either wildly love or seriously hate this series.