We’ve all had an orgasm through genital stimulation. Whether it’s our clitoris, penis, G-Spot, or nipples, that Big O has rippled through us all from scalp to tail, humming and electric, to our furthest points. But as the world becomes increasingly sex-positive, there’s one kind of orgasm that’s started to be the talk of the town – and it starts at a place that you’ve been criminally under-servicing until now.
As sex researchers uncover the truly remarkable role our minds play in orgasms, our understanding of what exactly constitutes that little death expands. While our parents and grandparents may have been taught that orgasms only come from PIV sex, we’re all lucky enough to be alive in the time of abundant sexual data. With the facts at our fingertips day in and day out, we know better – so why not expand the scope of your orgasmic exploration and learn all about the ways an anal orgasm might be just the thing your sex life has been missing?
Before you make excuses to not give it a whirl, remember that if you have a butt, then butt stuff is for you. Every single one of us has oodles of nerves down there that make anal stimulation as satisfying as it is. But depending on what else you’re working with, there are certain factors at play that take you beyond simple pleasure and all the way to your first anal orgasm.
Unless you’ve spent the past decade or so under a rock, you know that prostate stimulation is finally getting its time in the limelight. The corners of the web still house some people whose homophobia keeps them from enjoying their bodies, but as sex-positive folks like us at Sofia Gray slowly take over the conversations surrounding sexuality, the good word about the joys of the prostate spreads.
The source of its own unique orgasm unlike anything you may have experienced before, a prostate orgasm stands in a class of its own. It may be because folks with penises are taught that there is no orgasm without ejaculation. With prostate stimulation, that misconception flies right out the window. For a good idea of how it feels, picture waves of seismic pleasure rippling through your body, projecting you to the space of teetering-over-the-edge pleasure that you reach right before ejaculation. Instead of crossing that threshold, those pulses of pleasurable purgatory stretch one, and on, and on.
For some, the sensation is so intense that it can be described as emotionally stirring, just like a G-Spot orgasm. Although nobody has so far stepped forward that has experienced both orgasms and can compare them for us, we can all agree that this kind of full-body orgasm is explosive.
Folks who don’t have a prostate know that there’s something else at play that brings anal orgasms to their (back)door...
The vulva is a place of eternal medical mystery (for better or for worse). While research about the penis is commonplace, eliciting many different factoids on a regular basis about sexual wellness for the XY chromosomed, women and other folks with XX ‘somes get the short end of the stick in sex research. For the most part, we’re stuck shrugging our shoulders, relying on anecdotal evidence about pleasure, and hoping someone will take our collective personal health seriously at some point.
The way people with vulvas experience pleasure is so under-discussed that most people don’t even know that their very own nipples can bring them to orgasm, so is it any surprise that the source of an anal orgasm is still not set in stone? Read one article, and they’ll tell you one thing. Read another, and the justification for an anal orgasm will be totally different. The proud scientists who study sex, however, will point to two factors that make folks with vulvas curl their toes during anal penetration:
The A-Spot
Recently, I watched this Doctor Oz clip where he called the anterior fornix, or A-Spot, a “couch,” and since then, I haven’t been able to get that visual out of my head. Picture the sprawl of cushions for a penis or dildo to rest its tip on, and you’ll get the right idea. Deep inside the vagina sits a wide expanse of electric nerves chilling out just south of the cervix. Typically too deep to reach with fingers, the A-Spot is about five to six inches inside you, up along the front wall.
When you are anally penetrated, entering at the right angle lets the dildo or penis push up against the A-spot. If you’ve never experienced this kind of orgasm before, give it a whirl vaginally first, to know exactly what rumble of pleasure you’re looking for. Then, try it again anally. When coming at that bundle of nerves from a whole new angle, prepare for the fireworks.
The pudendal nerve
Bodies are amazing in their complexity. Although we all exist in these little sacks of bone and meat, and rely on them for our very existence, there are so many different things at work inside us that we never even consider. Take the pudendal nerve, for instance. It’s always been there, but we almost never talk about this wonder zone that Megwyn White, Director of Education at Satisfyer, refers to as “incredibly erogenous.” This nerve starts at the base of your spine and runs to your clitoris, carrying nerve signals of pure pleasure along your perineum, vagina, vulva, and anus. Best of all, about 80% of the nerve only has one purpose: to carry sensation from Point A to Point B. Cue the orgasms, people.
While everyone has a pudendal nerve, and it contributes to everyone’s pleasure with anal stimulation, the fact that the pudendal nerve sends signals to the clitoris is what makes it stand out as a big earth-rattler for people with vulvas.
Each body is different. Trying to give copy/paste sex advice is almost always a bust, much to the dismay of my teenage self poring over Cosmo in the checkout aisles of Publix. Some folks may like sensual and intimate settings, while others want to be slapped across the face right as they’re about to come. Some of us go wild for a particular blend between those two moods.
But while every single body and booty is blissfully different, there are some good pointers to keep in mind that’ll help you and your honey make the journey to their first anal orgasm an unforgettable ride.
This is an addendum that belongs in every single article on partnered sex. But especially when it comes to as sensitive a part of our anatomy as the anus, communication is vital. You’re spelunking in new territory, and feeling safe is the only way to see your pleasure from stilted beginning to divine end.
So before you even poke an exploratory finger around there, talk about it all – your fantasies, reservations, past experiences. Make sure you choose the right moment to broach the topic. The heat of the moment is not appropriate, as sexy as it sounds. Anal play is a big discussion, so bring it up well before you plan on giving it a go. Try bringing it up during a quiet moment in bed, or while enjoying some postcoital snuggling.
Communication helps you both work through any hesitations and deepens your mutual trust. By working through each scenario, you’ll both know what to expect, shedding anxieties. That not only makes the big event easier to enjoy; a lack of anxiety loosens up your muscles, making anal penetration even more enjoyable.
If you plan on playing for the first time with anal penetration, consider establishing safewords to communicate your feelings as the play unfolds. Choose whatever word or words you like, but consider employing the stoplight system. Common in BDSM, the stoplight system uses three different words to signal how the receiver feels about what’s happening:
These three tiers of communication go a long way in clearing up doubts, making you both certain that you’ll be on the same page. That way, the person penetrating can focus more on making their partner feel good, and the partner being penetrated can trust that their partner to know exactly how they feel.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, my friends. As eager as you are to hop right into the sack and start taking on that dildo, hold up. The anus is actually a collection of muscles. And I don’t know about you, but I personally have been doing yoga for the past 2 months straight and still can’t always touch my toes while seated. Training muscles to accept a deeper stretch takes time and conscious practice. Anal training is no different.
It’s not a bad thing to take your time reaching the finish line. Relish the evolution, and consider each step to be yet another delectable part of the journey. To start anal training, play with a pinky or small toy, and gradually size up. If you’re a serious anal player, consider investing in an anal training kit, like this one designed for prostate stimulation, or this one with a mid-sized plug that vibrates. Training kits take the guesswork out of how large your next plug should be and build anticipation for the next plug in your arsenal.
Play with the same toy until it feels easy to slip in. You may think you’re ready to take on something bigger, but when it comes to getting introduced to butt stuff, remember that your eyes are usually bigger than your booty. There’s always time to size up.
Although you may fantasize about a good quickie that includes anal, be prepared to slow things down. Anal penetration and pleasure take work. Delicious work that you’ll love to do, but work nonetheless.
When you finally feel like you’re ready to go deeper and start seeking that anal orgasm, don’t rush to the finish line. As with any new sexual experience, setting the mood is everything. Light candles, put on that Chi-Lites record, and start romancing your beau.
If you’re planning on giving your partner an anal orgasm, it’s part of your due diligence to create the ambiance. One way to help them relax is by drawing your partner a bath or giving them a full-body massage first. Their relaxed muscles will help them receive your body or toys more readily, making it easier for you to transport them to the anal orgasm you’re both seeking.
After your partner’s tension has melted away, you’re ready to make your move. Start with kisses, and explore their body with your hands. Foreplay is a bounty, one that can steal the whole show when done right, so don’t dive straight for the anus yet. Instead, lavish attention on other, secondary erogenous zones like the neck and ears. Let your partner’s breath quicken, and listen to their moans and sighs.
Eventually, you can move your hands down south, teasing their clitoris or penis. Often, the best thing you can do to relax your lover is give them a nice orgasm before even beginning. Oral is your friend. If your partner is a one-and-done orgasmer, bring them right to the edge, and then – slowly – start teasing the anus, rimming and tracing it until they’re practically begging you to penetrate them.
From the basics of playing with a pinky, all the way up to a dildo as wide as a soup can, you can’t have a good time without lube – and lots of it. The biggest difference between anal and vaginal penetration is that the anus doesn’t create its own lubrication, meaning a little external help is necessary. Dry skin-on-skin contact can cause unpleasant friction, and the slide and glide of lube feels like a slice of heaven in comparison.
But most importantly, your safety depends on your using lube. If you skip it, you may experience tearing that not only hurts, but also makes you more susceptible to STDs, STIs, and bacteria.
So stay safe. Lube up. If you’re not using condoms, oil-based lubes work wonders; good, old fashioned coconut oil from your grocery store is a perfect way to enjoy an au naturale experience.
But oil isn’t right for all situations. You can never use it with condoms, most toys don’t like it, and besides, it’s a surefire way to stain your sheets. If none of that sounds like your idea of a good time, opt for a different kind of lube, like a water- or silicone-based one, instead. For water-based, natural is best, like anything that Good Clean Love puts out. It’s body-safe, tastes great, and is made with ingredients that your body won’t be yelling at you later for – unlike chemical-laden competitors such as Astroglide or KY.
For many people who love anal, silicone lube blows the competition out of the water. Why? It lasts longer – and if you plan on just keeping on going, and going, and going, you may just need that longevity to skip the hassle of reapplication. I can’t speak to its quality from personal experience, but my roommates last year swore by Swiss Navy for all their booty play needs.
Weigh out those pros and cons with your partners, and whatever you choose, keep it in mind as you contemplate the next (and most important facet) of anal play:
Condoms and anal go hand in hand for several reasons. First and foremost, preventing STIs and STDs is the smartest thing you can do with any lover, any time, anywhere. Pairing a condom with your water– or silicone-based lube of choice will make playtime with a penis, dildo, or toy safe and (relatively) risk-free.
Penile/external condoms are far from your only choice, either. The internal condom (sometimes known as a female or vaginal condom) is an underrated way to get down, and happens to be perfect for anal play. Instead of going on the toy or penis, the condom goes inside you, with a big ring resting around your opening. They feel good for both parties, are less constricting then condoms, and are great for group play or toy sharing without risking the transmission of STIs.
Regardless of which condoms you go for, it helps hat using them also curbs the “ick” factor that has some folks too hesitant or timid to try for an anal orgasm. Anal penetration is amazing...and a mess is an occasional reality. Your partner can always take a shower first, use a bidet, or even go for an enema before penetration. But if you’re both extra concerned about cleanup, use barriers for digital and oral play, as well.
Try cutting open a condom, investing in some dental dams, or buying single-use latex panties for safer (but still pleasurable!) anilingus. Lube the side that’ll be against your partner’s skin for an extra-smooth sensation, and then start exploring with your tongue.
For internal stimulation, consider adding a glove to the mix. Your hand stays clean, and hey, you can even lean into a doctor/patient dynamic. Gloves are also great for folks who love their manicure, but want to give their partner an anal orgasm. In the latex glove, try padding your fingertips with cotton balls. That way, you can maintain those beautiful acrylics while your partner loses themselves under your stroke.
Gloves or not, it goes without saying that you can’t have a good anal orgasm if your hands aren’t clean and your nails aren’t trimmed. Sound basic? You may think so, but in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget the fingernails until it’s just a little too late – especially if you don’t normally take on a penetrating role. Since anal play is something you build up to and take your time engaging in, talk about it beforehand, and have your nails trimmed and at the ready for the next time the opportunity comes your way.
Depending on the partner you’re with, you want to make motions to hit the prostate, or to hit your partner’s anterior fornix from behind. To find the prostate, start while facing your partner, and insert heavily-lubed fingers or a toy. Then, search for a walnut-sized gland about two to four inches inside by pressing upward, toward their belly button. Since your partner will (hopefully) be very turned on by this point, it should be easier to find, since it fills with fluid during arousal.
Once you find the prostate, stimulate it with a “come hither” motion, circling the outside of the gland with one lubed finger, or pressing against it like ringing a doorbell. Every body (And booty) is different, so listen to your partner’s sighs, and ask them how each motion feels as you discover which one works best for them.
Hitting the anterior fornix with penetration is similar to hitting the prostate, although there is be no walnut-shaped guidepost to point you in the right direction. If you’re looking to penetrate your partner anally and reach that orgasm with a dildo or your penis, positions like doggy style give you a perfect angle up towards both pleasure zones. Want to face them? Push your partner’s legs up towards their chest for a deep angle that also gives you access to their penis or vulva for extra, double-time stimulation.
For couples who have different genitalia from one another, the anal orgasm offers something new to bring you closer: a shared experience. If you’ve ever had sex with lovers who share your body type, then you know exactly how special it is to mirror your lover’s pleasure. Watching an orgasm play across their face and knowing exactly how they’re feeling is a rush that is hard to describe. But if you and your beau have mismatched genitals, you’re missing out on the power of this shared common ground.
Sure, you can give them a big O, and you may know their body almost as well as you know their own, but still. If you don’t have a penis, you can’t imagine what it’s like for your partner to ejaculate, and someone without a clitoris can only glimpse the shuddering surface of that reality.
While it’s true that we have different centers that cause anal orgasms, there’s something to be said about the fact that you and your partner have, more or less, identical anuses. As your tongue draws circles around their back door, you get to relish in the knowledge that they’re bucking from the exact same sensations you’d be enjoying – regardless of the equipment that’s pulsing on the other side.
Straight, queer, cis, trans*, male, female, neither, or both, we all have a booty for the plundering Anal orgasms are the great equalizer – so be bold. Discover what you’ve been missing out on, one inquisitive touch at a time.
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