Every orgasm feels different. There are many different types of orgasms, but even when you have the same type, it can feel different each time. Generally speaking, though, an orgasm will feel like a buildup of pleasure followed by a sense of release.
Regardless of the different types of orgasms, getting to know your body and your orgasm can be an integral part of learning to control that orgasm.
“How do I know if I’ve had an orgasm?”
While some may consider this a silly question, it’s really not. Many people may struggle with truly understanding when an orgasm happens. When you’re aroused, your heart beats faster and your breathing quickens. Your genitals become engorged thanks to the blood flow. As your arousal climbs, the sensations you’re feeling are going to increase until you feel a “break” in them.
A look at female pleasure:
A look at male pleasure:
“While the physical process is the same for everyone, the actual orgasmic experience varies from woman to woman and time to time. You might feel a mild tingle one time and an explosive full-body rush the next. However, there are some general tip-offs, such as contractions in your vagina, pelvic lifting or thrusting, curling of the toes or fingers, heavy, rapid breathing and moaning, and a sense of euphoria.” - Cosmopolitan
Now that we’re familiar with what the orgasm is and how to spot it, let’s talk about harnessing it. During sex, so much of the time, the main goal is to experience pleasure.
The kissing, the touching, the foreplay, the main event, the orgasm, the end.
But - what if you controlled that orgasm?
What if you delayed it?
What if you forced it?
What if you withheld it and didn’t let yourself (or your partner) have one after so much build-up?
Playing with orgasms is so much fun, and there are so many different ways to do it.
What is edging?
Think of edging like bringing yourself to the very edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful landscape. You’re ready to dive off, parachute on your back, ready to freefall into bliss...but then you take a few steps back instead. Edging (for both men and women) include bringing yourself to the brink of an orgasm and then slowing down or stopping altogether until the moment fades. This would mean your heart rate is spiked, breathing heavy, blood pressure high - and then you back off, taking deep breaths to slow your breathing, letting your heart rate decline, etc.
The balance here is not losing the orgasm altogether, which can happen. You need to back off, but only just enough to ramp yourself back up to the same orgasm that’s been building. This can take some practice, and you may even experience some ruined orgasms (that you just can’t get back).
Edging yourself can take practice, and edging a partner will take a lot of communication and knowing your partner’s body and sounds, so you know just when to hold off.
What is orgasm denial?
Denying yourself (or your partner) an orgasm can be such a fun experience. Yes - you read that correctly. While it sounds like hell, there are ways you can tease and play with orgasm denial to make it fun and exciting. It’s not just about not allowing yourself (or your partner) to climax, it’s about following rules, obeying instruction, building the need and desire for an orgasm up so much that it almost becomes unbearable, and then rewarding yourself. The intensity of orgasms after orgasm denial can be really amazing, and the simple process of denying your partner an orgasm can really play into a D/s dynamic.
What is orgasm withholding?
Withholding is different from denial in that with denial, you can allow yourself (or your partner) to play and get close to orgasm and then stop the orgasm before it happens. During orgasm withholding, you (or your partner) may have rules set out that you cannot play (solo or with them) for a certain number of hours (sometimes even days). This can amplify a D/s dynamic and make foreplay a mind game that lasts for days.
What are forced orgasms?
Forced orgasms are part of a BDSM play called consensual non-consent (CNC for short) and should be discussed at length (obviously) before being put into practice, as it essentially involves pushing your partner very quickly to having an orgasm.
Your partner should never be forced to have an orgasm they haven’t previously agreed to. Engaging in forced orgasm play can be very intense and pleasurable but also can cause discomfort or panic, especially if being carried out during a CNC scene. If you’re interested in forced orgasms with a partner, discussing safewords is mandatory to ensure that they have a way to stop you if they really need to.
If you’re interested in this, Cosmo has a great article about it available here.
There are so many different ways to edge your orgasm and even more ways to edge your partner. Edging is perhaps one of my favorite past-times, as a work-from-home writer who keeps a small-but-mighty bullet vibe stashed at her desk.
There are some first-time edging tips that will make it easier to incorporate edging into your masturbation or sex life as a couple...
Try masturbating (or having sex) and really pay attention to how it feels.
Really try to get to know your orgasm, here. Instead of getting lost in a cumshot compilation on Pornhub or listening to an erotic audio story on Audiodesires, take time to build yourself up using your imagination and then really focus on the seconds before your orgasm. This will help you better understand what “the edge” feels like, so you know what it is next time you experience it.
If you’re wanting to try edging with a partner, try the same experiment - while they are guiding you to orgasm, talk to them about how it’s feeling, tell them to make note of your body movements, your noises, your facial expressions. This will help them better understand when you’re getting close to climax.
Try without toys first, then add them in later.
Masturbating or playing with a partner while using toys often gets us to orgasm faster, which means there is less time to really take your time and edge it. Masturbate the old fashioned way (with your hands), and master edging this way first. Then include your favorite toy into the mix and see if you can still control when you climax.
Try the stop-start method to begin.
This is the most basic form of edging. You start your masturbation routine as you normally would, and when you feel you’re about to climax, you stop entirely. This can involve taking your hands away (stopping stimulation) and taking a few deep breaths. Then, focus on getting back to what got you close to the orgasm, building yourself back up slowly. It will take you less time to get there this time. Stop touching again. You can do this in the beginning maybe twice, and then on the third time you build back up to the orgasm, just let it happen.
In the beginning, this method will teach you how to recognize when you’re about to climax and stopping entirely will help you regain control.
When you’re ready, move on to the start-slow down technique.
This is for people who have already mastered the stop-start method of edging. Why? Because in this case, you’re going to bring yourself close to that beautiful, wonderful edge of orgasm and instead of stopping you’re just going to slow your pace. This may backfire and cause you to orgasm anyways, or (the worst-case scenario) it could lead to a ruined orgasm (where you just can’t get it back or it happens but isn’t as pleasurable as it normally is).
This one will take some practice and getting used to.
Try jerk off instruction videos designed for edging.
Jerk off instruction videos are perfect for edging because they are literally a set of instructions you can follow. If you find videos specifically designed for edging purposes, even better! Read all about JOI videos here.
While withholding or completely denying yourself (or your partner) an orgasm may seem like the exact opposite purpose of sex, here me out: this makes every orgasm so much better. Why? Because you’ve been teased with it and denied it. When you’re finally able to have it (or when you finally allow your partner to have it) the feelings of your orgasm are amplified and the excitement of finally experiencing that pleasure takes you over completely.
What is the difference between orgasm withholding and orgasm denial?
Orgasm withholding would be exactly that - withholding an orgasm, not allowing yourself (or your partner) to have one. Orgasm denial, on the other hand, is edging without the climax. This can be considered torture for some (the good kind of a select few) and when using this with a partner you should always discuss it beforehand.
How do I include orgasm withholding into solo play?
One of the easiest ways to incorporate this kind of technique into your solo play is to set a number of hours or days where you aren’t allowed to masturbate at all. Start with something reasonable at first, given your sex drive - then slowly start to push your limits.
Orgasm withholding and your partner - start slow.
Introducing orgasm withholding can be tricky because you’re literally depriving your partner of sexual release. You want to tow the line between pleasant discomfort (the beautiful oxymoron that often is associated with orgasm control) and frustration/annoyance. Talk with your partner about how long your withholding spells should be and what they are comfortable with.
Orgasm denial and partnered sex - here’s what you need to know…
Incorporating orgasm denial in your partnered sex life can be a bit tricky - as I said, you’re really pushing the line between fun and frustration. This will involve lots of communication between the two of you. Start with foreplay and sex as you normally would, and when your partner is about to climax, stop entirely. One of the best ways to ensure you’re stopping at the right time is to try edging with them first, so you get to know their body language and sounds before climax. This will help you do the orgasm denial at just the right time.
If you’re interested in extreme orgasm denial, there are lots of ways to accomplish that.
From chastity belts to penis cages, there are lots of toys that can aid in your quest to make your partner suffer in all the best ways before finally letting them have that orgasm.
Why should you and your partner get into orgasm control? While denying or withholding an orgasm may seem like a nightmare to some, for others, it’s an intricate part of the dynamic between two lovers.
It’s just sexy and fun.
There is something particularly exciting (and confidence-boosting) in having control over when (and how) your partner cums. This is something that will make you feel good and (if done correctly) will also make them feel good (with a big payoff, if you know what I mean).
Boosting the D/s dynamic (if you have one).
For those living it up in the BDSM community, you’ll be happy to hear that orgasm control with a partner can do wonders for the dominant/submissive dynamic you have going on. Nothing feels better than a climax that’s specifically been approved (after a long wait-time of teasing) by your Dom. And Doms - nothing feels better than allowing your submissive the opportunity to feel pleasure after they’ve earned it.
Adding some spark into your long-term sex life.
While I don’t believe sex gets boring the longer you’re together, I do think it’s entirely possible for life to traipse all over your sex life until it’s routine and bland. It happens. Whether you have been together for 5 years or 15 years, there will always be ups and downs in your sex life. That’s totally normal when you’re part of a couple for so long. Adding orgasm control into your sex life can help boost it when things are feeling a bit blander.
Getting to know each other’s orgasms and body language.
Not only can orgasms help you better understand your own pleasure, but they can also help you understand your partner’s pleasure, too. Becoming familiar with and memorizing their body language and sounds when they are about to climax can help in more ways than just edging.
Starting conversations about consent, boundaries, and desires.
Edging your partner is going to take some communication - and that’s great! Talking about sex more openly and freely with your partner (even when it’s just about orgasms) can open the door even more to have bigger conversations about kinks, fetishes, and other things you’re hoping to get out of your sex life.
Let’s get into specifics, shall we? Orgasm control is going to look different for everyone, but even more when we begin to discuss different techniques for men and women.
Orgasm control tips for penis havers.
The easiest method of orgasm control if you have a penis is something called the “squeeze method” - and yes, it involves squeezing yourself. The basics - get aroused, stimulate yourself close to orgasm, but right before you orgasm, squeeze the head of your penis with a firm grip. This will effectively stop your orgasm if you do it at the right time. If you want to continue, wait around 30 seconds (still holding firm) and then start stimulating yourself again.
If you have ever struggled with premature ejaculation, the “ballooning” technique will help you control your orgasms better! The idea here is to find an area on your penis that is especially sensitive and work on training it to get used to sensations. Gently move your finger around that area in a circle and keep rubbing until you’re fully hard and about to orgasm. When you feel as though you’re about to orgasm, stop touching yourself. Let yourself get a little soft and then begin to rub that same area again, repeating the exercise. This will train that sensitive area to be used to stimulation without orgasm.
Orgasm control tips for vagina havers.
Edging, as you know, is any form of bringing yourself to the brink of climax and then stopping. Another technique I’d love to focus on for women is “hinting”, which is basically edging but without as much actual stimulation.
Hinting is a form of edgeplay up to 70% of women practice, according to Bustle, and it’s the set of techniques women use to “fake out” the clit, vagina, or vulva. Essentially, you’re tricking your body into thinking an orgasm is incoming. In reality, you’re nowhere close. This can involve paying close concentrated attention to the clit and vaginal opening, but not actually overstimulating. Think of the feeling when a guy is just about to enter you but lingers for a moment. That’s what you’re going for here. Repeating this a few times will have your body practically begging for release.
Once you’ve mastered edgeplay on your own and even with a partner during sex, let’s talk about mutual masturbation orgasm control. There are loads of sexy tech toys that allow your partner to control your pleasure.
For female pleasure, toys like the Lovense Lush or Kiiroo Pearl2 work wonders. For male pleasure, toys like the Kiiroo Onyx2 (which can actually pair with the Pearl2) are perfect.
Allowing your partner to control your pleasure with an app on their phone brings edgeplay, orgasm play, or really, any kind of play, to the next level. They can do this while you watch Netflix, while you work at your desk at home, or as a beautifully tortuous form of foreplay.
The most important part of orgasm control isn’t controlling your orgasm - it’s having fun. So often, people put pressure on their orgasms. Lasting long enough for a partner, keeping an erection long enough for extended playtime, being able to masturbate and still have sex with your partner the same day...there’s just so much unnecessary pressure. Orgasms are supposed to be fun. Edging shouldn’t be something that you do to make sure you can last longer or to somehow improve your sex skills (those can be added benefits, of course) - it should be something you do because you genuinely enjoy the sensations and feelings it brings.
Has this got you interested in edging and orgasm control? As someone who edged herself throughout the entire six months of writing my erotica collection, I can tell you: you get better as you go! With practice, edging can become something you add to your masturbation or sex life whenever you feel like it to give yourself an extra boost of feel-good sensations when you finally do reach climax.
Did You Know We're The Biggest
Sell Now
Create Your Sexy Shop In Under 2 Minutes
Make Money Selling Your Used Items
Buy Now
Find Lovingly Used Panties, Toys & More
Explore Your Kinks With Our Sexy Sellers
Did You Know We're The
Sell Now
Create Your Sexy Shop In Under 2 Minutes
Make Money Selling Your Used Items
Buy Now
Find Lovingly Used Panties, Toys & More
Explore Your Kinks With Our Sexy Sellers
