A cursory search of the word “cuckold” on Google will let you know this fetish is no joke - in fact, it’s likely much more common than you had originally thought it could be. I mean - watching your partner have sex with someone else might be your worst nightmare...but for many people, it’s the most real, erotic, intense and satisfying fantasy they have.
What is a cuckold fetish?
A cuckold fetish refers to the fetish of a person watching their partner have sex with another person...typically, this would be a man watching his wife have sex with another man, but in general, it’s any partner watching their spouse with another person.
A “typical” situation cuckold situation would be when a man (who is in a committed relationship with a woman) is privy to (and even encourages or watches) his partner’s infidelity. In fact, many of these scenarios are orchestrated by both partners, or even have the husband choosing a suitable male to bring into the situation.
According to sex workers interviewed for this article on Huffington Post, cuckolding is one of the 6 most common fantasies they see. This theory is backed up further by this article on Vice, explaining the 5 most common fetishes in America - #4 being cuckolding.
And again, more proof: in a study done by researcher Justin Lehmiller (with a group of 4000 people), he found that 58% of the men admitted to having fantasies about sharing their partner with other men.
Think this is only a man’s fetish? Well, more on that later - but just so you know, in that same survey (which is talked about more in-depth on this podcast episode of Sex with Dr.Jess), over 25% of women surveyed in Lehmiller’s study said they were interested in watching their male partner with another woman.
I’m telling you - there is something about this cuckoldry thing: people like it.
While this may sound strange to people who don’t enjoy this fetish, exploring the world of cuckoldry and hotwives is incredibly fascinating...the more you learn, the more you’ll understand why this is incredibly sexy.
This term has been around for what seems like eons, and its definition has changed quite a lot over the years. The first recorded use of the word “cuckold” was actually in the anonymous 12th-century poem called the Owl and the Nightengale.
Back then, the word “cuckold” was used to describe the mockery of a man by his wife’s infidelity. This term would often be used in a situation of “his wife made a cuckold out of him”.
A perfect example is in the poem itself, where it’s described that her husband is abusive and cruel, and so she turns to someone else, breaking the vows of her marriage, making a cuckold out of him. In 12th century use of this word, it was meant to bring great shame to the unfaithful wife and sympathies towards the cheated man - as in many cases a child would be conceived without knowing who the father was.
For hundreds of years, men whose wives have cheated on them were made to feel emasculated, insulted, weak...and yet, this scenario is a modern-day fantasy for many couples.
Now, when the term “cuckold” is used, what once was thought of to be insulting can actually evoke feelings of desire, arousal, and excitement in many people.
To people who don’t understand the world of cuckoldry, you may think that watching your wife be pleased by another man would be kind of horrible...many people’s worst nightmares, actually.
So why do some people find this so arousing and satisfying?
Voyeurism, masochism, getting off on being humiliated...take your pick: there are lots of reasons why people enjoy this fetish.
Never heard of a cuckquean? You’re not alone.
A cuckquean is the gender-opposite of a cuckold...essentially, a wife who is aroused by her husband sleeping with other women.
While it’s not impossible for a woman to have this particular fetish, it’s thought of to be uncommon...but is it, really? Another quick Google search will tell you that even if it is a common female desire, you won’t find nearly as much information on the cuckquean fetish as you will when you type “cuckold” into that search bar.
Why is that?
Well, for one, female sexuality is far less researched than male sexuality. I’m extremely annoyed by this but I’m going to brush past it (for now), for the sake of not being sidelined by a long-winded rant.
While this is a complex fetish that is actually much more common than you think, according to Dr. David J. Ley (a blogger for Psychology Today and the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them), this fetish is typically the man’s preference, not the woman’s. That being said, there are plenty of women who enjoy watching their partner mix it up with other people.
While there may not be one clear explanation of why cuckolding (or cucking, as it’s sometimes called) is thought of as more of a man’s fantasy, it does track with some other things we know about fetishes that are similar to cuckoldry.
For example, humiliation and degradation fetishes are also often predominantly enjoyed by men. However, that doesn’t mean women don’t enjoy those things - just that it’s a bit more talked about as a fetish that men enjoy.
Is there a link between cuckoldry and masochism?
According to Mistress Scarlett (a professional dominatrix who was interviewed over on Metro), cuckqueaning and cuckolding are part of a wider BDSM spectrum that typically centers around humiliation...and male or female - humiliation/degradation are extremely common asks in her world.
Why? For many people (women included), humiliation play is about giving up control.
Cuckolding can be a form of mental humiliation, which can absolutely be a part of the couple’s masochistic fantasies. The idea of giving up control, having someone else take the reigns (or in the case of cuckoldry, having “no say” in what your partner does) can be a release of stress and a rush of endorphins many people find to be incredibly stimulating and relaxing at the same time.
The feeling of being left out, the lack of participation, the thought of another man pleasing his woman while he sits in the corner of the room...that’s what many cuckold fetishists like the most.
There can be a sense of competition involved, yes.
Another way these encounters can happen is more of the “competition” route - where the partner watches his wife or girlfriend have sex with another man and this arouses him at the thought of competing for her affections.
Some men find the thought of competing for their wife to be a thrill, a tease, and in many ways, it can ultimately be a game for them. Adding to that, it’s also incredibly prideful for the man to know someone else wants his wife as much as he does.
This can be something of a romantic competition, too. If your wife has sex with someone else but continues to build a life with you - knowing that she could leave, but doesn’t...that kind of partnership can be incredibly sexy.
The cuckold fetish may also simply be a means to an end - serving to complete some kind of higher fantasy for the couple.
For example, a man who enjoys female dominance and degradation from his female partner may be attracted to the cuckold lifestyle as a way of satisfying his urges to be humiliated and dominated by his wife.
Voyeurism can also play a big role in cuckoldry.
In fact, some would argue that there is usually always an element of voyeurism when it comes to cuckoldry because the point is for one partner to watch (or hear about) the other partner having sex with someone else. The cuckold can get off on watching in many ways: knowing his hotwife is doing whatever she pleases, watching through a video camera from another location (talk about steamy live porn) or actually being in the room and seeing another man having sex with his wife.
At the end of the day (even if that day consists of your wife moaning another man’s name while he has sex with her on the new bedsheets she insisted you buy her for Christmas) - she’s still yours.
This is one of the most powerful driving forces in why people fantasize about this scenario.
The fact that someone else is ravaging your partner, she is screaming someone else’s name, maybe even telling you how much she likes him inside her instead of you...and yet, she is choosing to go home with you...it’s the ultimate stroking of the ego.
Sure, he may have her for an hour but you have her for life.
This kind of tear down and build-up of someone’s confidence can give them a kind of rush that is unparalleled - extreme lows and extreme highs can feel addicting.
Do you get jealous easily?
If you caught another man very obviously checking out your wife, would you feel a pang of jealousy or anger? If so...cuckoldry may not be for you.
If you are not secure in your relationship (or in yourself), adding another person into the mix (in any capacity) can cause problems in your self-esteem and in your marriage.
Why are you interested in this particular fetish?
If you are looking into cuckoldry (or really, any form of polygamy) solely for the purpose of satisfying your partner...things could turn disastrous.
In situations like this, it should be something both parties are not only okay with but actually want - to avoid any bad feelings..
What are your limits?
This person (if there should be one) will be sleeping with your wife, it’s natural to need to set some ground rules about just how involved they can be. For example, would you allow them into your home? If so, are you okay with them potentially meeting your family or your children? Or would you prefer that things be done in hotel rooms or at another location?
Setting rules like this can help everyone involved feel comfortable and happy with what’s happening.
Let’s talk about the woman’s role in all of this because it’s often pretty crucial.
“Hotwife” is a term used to describe a married (or otherwise committed) woman whose marriage is open, on her end only.
This means that she has both the permission (and often encouragement) from her husband to have an affair. This is often to fulfill his fantasy of sharing her or her fantasy of being with more than one man.
If you think about it, this fetish (and the desire to be a hotwife) makes perfect sense when we live in a time where porn is openly watched, talked about and celebrated. It makes total sense why a man would be turned on by thinking about his sexy wife having wild and raunchy sex with another man because we live in a world where porn stars are enticing and sexuality is fluid.
There are plenty of reasons why a woman would want to become a hotwife or engage in a cuckold fetish with her husband.
For one, it can give you a freedom that is incredibly erotic and extremely addictive, once you’ve tried it.
Marriage (or any long-term relationship) can have highs and lows when it comes to your sex life. Sometimes things are more routine than you’d like. While routine sex may not be a reason for you to up and leave your hubby, some women find themselves pining for more - and this is what often leads to cheating and lying.
Hotwifing gives you the freedom to express your sexual desires with someone else, experiment with things maybe your husband isn’t interested in - all while your partner gets off on watching or hearing about it.
This is the ultimate win-win for both, if you can find this happy medium.
Another reason you may enjoy becoming a hotwife is that it can demystify polygamy and what you thought open relationships were like.
Polygamy can be scary for someone in a committed relationship because there is so much stigma about couples in open relationships and you may think an open relationship means your marriage is failing - but it’s really quite the opposite.
Sharing your spouse with someone or inviting another person into your relationship (even if only for one night) can be something of a strengthening and intimate bonding experience.
A sense of trust and loyalty is built when you allow your partner to stray from the confines of a typical monogamous lifestyle because they only stray as far as you both have agreed on.
It makes you feel beautiful.
Okay, this one is obvious: you feel wanted. Feeling wanted makes you feel sexy. Feeling sexy makes you horny. This is completely natural, and very much a part of the reason many people enjoy hotwifing or the cuckold lifestyle.
Are you interested in remaining committed to your spouse?
There is a difference between the hotwife/cuckold lifestyle and just plain cheating on your husband...and that difference is the intent.
People who participate in the cuckold lifestyle (and women in general who become hotwives) need to feel a sense of commitment and loyalty to their marriage - otherwise, you may find yourself straying too far in a way your husband is no longer okay with.
Are you okay with being objectified?
While many women find it offensive to be cat-called and DM’d inappropriate sexual messages from strangers, if you’re someone who finds this to be a sexually arousing ego boost, hotwifing may be for you!
Oftentimes, the entire point of this scenario is for another man (who is not your husband) to objectify and pleasure you. Much of the time, this may be someone you meet on a dating app or someone who really, knows nothing about you besides your bra size.
In other words, this is more often than not a completely physical encounter that has nothing to do with who you are as a person, so be prepared to be treated like a hot piece of ass (and nothing else).
What are your boundaries?
Chances are, if you have a partner who is interested in cuckoldry, they will want to be part of the third-party selection process.
In this case, you may need to set some ground rules about what kind of partner you’re interested in having sex with and some hard limits of what is okay for them to do and what is not.
Like many polygamy-based fetishes, there is a lot of speculation around how a happy marriage can be one that consists of more than just the husband and wife.
To that, I’d say: to each (couple) their own.
If this works for you, that’s incredible. In many cases, this kind of fantasy and fetish can be an extremely intimate bonding experience for the couple.
In fact, according to that extremely popular book we mentioned at the beginning of the article (Insatiable Wives by David Ley), couples who were into the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle found that their levels of connection, intimacy, and communication became better after they started experimenting with this fetish.
If you go into this with the right reasoning, an open mind and a willingness to learn and communicate with your spouse - this can really be an intimate bonding experience that ends up strengthening your marriage.
But...what do you do if your partner isn’t interested in (or actually hates) your fetish? While we’ve written a whole other article on that subject, let’s get specific, shall we?
While this fetish can be a positive thing in your life, it can also cause a lot of tension and heartache if your partner isn’t interested in this lifestyle.
I think that we can all agree fetishes and fantasies are a normal part of every individual - but if you find this fetish in particular to be a cause of stress, tension, and pain in your relationship, there are many counseling services you and your partner can try and there are actually people who specialize in helping you to try to change your cuckold fetish.
Cuckoldry is under the umbrella of what is considered “consensual non-monogamy”, along with swinging, threesomes and open relationships. People who are in some kind of consensual non-monogamous relationship can have very healthy, very happy long term relationships with their spouses as long as one simple rule is met: things are consensual.
This doesn’t just mean between you and the person you’re having sex with: at least not when it comes to cuckolding. Keeping things consensual takes on a whole new meaning when you invite another person into your marriage - because not only is there consent that has to be given for sex but consent also has to be given by the spouse who is being left out of the sex.
Cucking isn’t just about having an affair and letting your partner watch - it’s about deciding together to partake in an experience that involves more than just you and your spouse.
While your partner doesn’t have control over you, everything you do with another person outside your marriage should be a decision you and your spouse make together as a team. This is the best way for a cuckold marriage to function, to ensure everyone gets what they want.