Some like it sweet, while others like it rough. I know that I, for one, enjoy some roughhousing in the bedroom. While there’s a time and a place for whispered “I love yous” candles, and romantic cunnilingus, our animal selves deserve a space to let loose and howl like it’s a full moon.
Enter the world of rough sex.
Say goodbye to gentle missionary. This delightful way to play is a twist on the more basic kind of sex pop culture has taught you is the norm. Many different expressions of rough lovin’ fall under its umbrella, and just like with all aspects of sexuality, everyone has a slightly different way they get intimate. But all rough sex shares one common thread: you get to toe the line between pleasure and pain with your partner(s).
Maybe you don’t want to go full-on Secretary or can’t see yourself becoming a dungeon master anytime soon. That’s totally okay. There are many different ways to tap into your rougher self, and as long as everyone’s happy, there’s no wrong way to go about it. You can be less BDSM, more Mr. & Mrs. Smith, or you can dive headfirst into the world of fetishes.
It’s a fun and boundless world, but if you’re feeling clueless about where to start, there are several popular ways to get your feet wet.
Many a vanilla household gets their start in the spanking world with the back of their wooden hairbrush or open palms against bare skin. When you’re just starting out, many people think that you just go full force right out the gate. In reality, going hard immediately wears both of you out while minimizing the pleasure. The joys of impact play come from building anticipation.
You can spank people during sex, as foreplay, or as its own sexual event without anything else. Many people like to incorporate face slapping as well, but this is something that needs a discussion beforehand.
If you decide to go in for a full spanking scene, make sure you take your time. Whether you’re using a paddle or your own two hands, slow and steady wins this race. Rub and tease your partner with light pats, grazing your fingernails, or even using something like a feather to awaken their nerve endings.
Next, move up to rhythmic and light spanks that don’t hurt. After awhile, incorporate harder spanks – but do them sporadically, keeping your partner on their toes. When you waver between soft and hard spanks, your partner will be kept in wicked anticipation for what comes next.
Gradually include more frequent intense spanks until you’re doling out hard spank after hard spank. Take breaks every so often to rub their red skin with your open palm, nails, or even a soft bristle brush. This friction gives them a chance to breathe while still engaging their nerves that are on fire. Keep going until you both tap out, and check in with your partner to see what kind of aftercare they need.
If you and your partner are serious about impact play, you may want to graduate beyond using just your hands. Since this is such a popular way to get rough, there are countless unique toys to choose from that are designed to deliver unique sensations that range from thuddy to sting-y.
A paddle is a great place to start. Their weightiness helps you deliver a solid thwack without tiring your own sweet hands out. This is an excellent beginner’s toy as well, since it’s so easy to yield.
Most are made of rubber or wood, which both offer something a little different. Since it contours to the shape of your body, rubber slaps, while wood is firm and unyielding. If you and your partner are after something a little sharper, consider adding a whip to the bedroom toy rotation.
Whips have many subcategories, and popular ones include crop whips and floggers. But before you start using your new purchase on your partner’s tender skin, a whip takes practice. Try it out on a piece of furniture or a pillow first, then practice on your partner’s clothed booty next.
If the whole idea makes you a little nervous, try a smaller whip to keep you more in control..
While not as popular as other types of impact play, never underestimate the sexy power of a rod. Long, slender, and easy to come by, these bad boys are typically made of wood, but also come in pleather or plastic. These offer the same kind of sharp pain as whips, but are more straightforward to handle.
When you use a rod, be sure to start slow – these can leave some serious welts.
Remember: impact play takes practice, so have an open mind and don’t take yourself so seriously that you can’t learn. By giving yourself space to be bad at spanking, you’re letting yourself slowly become a spanking pro.
Perhaps the most dangerous form of rough sex, breath play can be a thrilling ride when done correctly and in a partnered environment. This is a scene that requires a lot of caution, however. Speaking as someone who dabbles in it, I know that being smart is essential. If you play too rough and don’t know what you’re doing, the consequences can be cardiac arrest and death.
The safest way to engage in breath play by hand is by gently constricting your lover’s breath by pushing upward into the jaw to avoid crushing their windpipe.
If you do decide to use some kind of tool for strangulation, Healthline recommends leaving at least two fingers’ width of space under whatever you use, so that your partner stays safe.
All in all, as enthralling as this kind of play can be, it’s indisputable that it’s not always safe. Using your hands is one of the safest ways to play, because you and your partner are better able to control the situation while maintaining face-to-face contact to make sure your partner is okay.
Interestingly, breath play with toys can actually be safer than breath play with your hands. That’s because most toys involving breath play revolve around the idea of breathing being semi-restricted, rather than getting people into situations where they can’t breathe at all.
You can start slow by using this breathable ball gag that lets the wearer know who’s in charge while maintaining complete air flow. Likewise, to give maximum air flow in a naughty way, try this open-mouth gag that keeps your partner’s mouth available for just about whatever you can cook up. If you’re looking to up your game and get more intense, you can always try a ball gag with a dildo on the end, like this one.
For hardcore play, there’s an aptly named sex shop called Extreme Restraints that offers a sensory deprivation leather hood (complete with locks). With an accessory like this, be sure you’re using extreme precaution and have established safety systems so that nobody gets hurt.
No discussion of rough sex is complete without a little talk about restraints. Rough sex and restraints go hand in hand because when you’re at the mercy of a trusted partner, an amazing thing happens. You’re stripped of the responsibility of making any decisions, and instead you become a vessel to receive pleasure and have fun. Likewise, restraining someone suddenly puts you in a position to understand the power and dominance of giving pleasure.
If you’re new to the world of restraints during sex, start light. Pin your partner’s hands over their heads while you pleasure them, nibbling their ears or along their neck to drive them wild. When you’re ready to up your game, you can use household items to dabble in restraints. Try using a tie, a bathrobe sash, a thick ribbon, or a strip of fabric to hold their legs or feet however you’d like.When you do this, make sure whatever restraint you’re using lies flat against their wrists or ankles. That keeps it from bunching up and cutting off circulation.
If the things you have at home don’t cut the mustard, you may just want to buy something new. Rope shopping entails more decision-making than the average bondage newbie may think. First, decide if you’re just buying rope for some basic ankle or wrist restraints, or if you’re more curious about the art of it.
And depending on how rough your partner likes it, you may want to opt for a smoother variety that keeps rope burn at bay, or choose to go whole hog (tied) and buy some jute rope, which is known for being a little more rigid and comes with a delicious bite to it.
If you’re like me, you’re into the idea of restraints, but not called to the ropes. Restraints don’t just have to be your classic fuzzy handcuffs. These days, there are countless creative restraint systems, like this full-bed rig that you can stash under the bed when not in use and pull out on a whim for playtime. But don’t limit yourself to just one way to restrain. The internet is a wonderful place that offers countless variations on how to tie someone up. The limit is your own imagination.
Overwhelmed by all these potential purchases? Not all rough sex has fancy bells or whistles. And while your hands are great for pinning someone down, spanking them, or even constricting their air flow, you may also get a thrill frot using your own body as a forceful tool in new and riveting ways. For starters? Biting.
Biting someone has more of an art to it than you may think. Similar to the art of spanking, a good bite starts slow and builds up. Chomping down like Dracula will only make the tendons in their neck roll, and you’ll both be wondering what in the world went wrong. Instead, start by nibbling, and check in while you do it. Play with their neck and their earlobes, then work your way out to their fingertips or toes.
Not a biter? Scratching is a great way to play rough as well. Try different pressures and places to rake your nails – the back, thighs, chest, and scalp, are all fair game. Alternate between gentle and hard pressure. The lighter ones send goosebumps across their bodies, while the harder ones sing with a kind of higher pain that feels intense and satisfying – and intensely satisfying.
Last but not least, remember the beginner move for all rough sex champions: the hair pull. If your partner has hair, pull it. Keep your hands close to the scalp when you pull. If you tug at the ends of their hair, you’ll just end up hurting them in an unsexy way. Worst of all, you may just rip their hair out on accident and ruin the night for both of you.
When you’re inducting yourself into the world of rough sex, you may anticipate falling into certain, more traditional roles. If one of you is more dominant or in charge in the relationship or friendship, you may “expect” them to take on the same role in the bedroom. The truth is often far more interesting. Everyone is different, and the way they present in the public world may be very different than how they are in the bedroom.
When you voice the ways you’d like to be roughhoused, keep your mind open to what kind of new and intense things your partner may want themselves. Listen! When you’re diving into a new world, it isn’t a place to be a pillow princess, no matter how much you think it sounds fun. Who knows what hidden desires you may unearth in your lovers, too?
That being said, be careful with how you engage with your partner’s emerging fantasies. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: shaming has no place in your sex life (unless you and your partner have agreed to that sort of thing). When you open up and get vulnerable with your lover about the rough sex you crave, you may uncover a kink that appeals to your partner but doesn’t turn you on at all.
Whatever you do, be kind. Before you respond, think about how you’d feel if your partner laughed at or was disgusted by your fetish. Even a casual partner is someone you should treat kindly. Be gracious. When they suggest a deed that isn’t your cup of tea, tell them something along the lines of, “You know, that’s a boundary for me, but I respect that you’re into it!” Even telling them something that simple can set a much more optimistic and open-minded tone, so you both can dive into the space where your fantasy and theirs collide.
If you want to keep having fun and exploratory sex, then the most important thing you can do is listen to your partner when they propose a new thing they’d like to try. Even if it’s not what you’re into at all. Shutting down a fantasy you don’t share with them will only keep your partner from talking about any other desires, stifling any other room for sexual expression between the two of you.
If you’re hoping to get into the rough stuff, be prepared to talk about it. All of it. I haven’t been in a ten year relationship without getting a few tricks up my sleeve in the communication department, and what I’ve learned is this: to make everything run smoothly, prepare to have more conversations than you’d think.
You don’t want to accidentally leave a vital detail out and have a total communication breakdown in the middle of sex because you were too nervous to clarify your thoughts earlier. This is your shot at having the sex you’ve always fantasized about. And if you can’t talk about it, then you can’t truly expect for it to happen exactly the way you’d hoped.
Consent is the bedrock of all sex talk. Even the most vanilla of missionary sex requires enthusiastic and repeated consent. It’s more than just not saying “no.” It’s saying “yes,” loudly and happily over and over. Consent is a vital and beautiful part of all sexual activity. Without it, you can’t be sure you’re having sex that honors you and your partner.
Especially when diving into rough stuff, you have to make sure your partner is enthusiastic about trying this new way to get down. Coercion at any level means consent was not given, and it is never okay to pressure, force, or guilt trip a partner into trying something they’re uncomfortable with.
That means that when you’re expressing your fantasies, you have to be okay with the idea of hearing “no.” Sometimes, that can be a tough pill to swallow, but if you want to have rough sex, you have to be alright with rejection. Handle it with grace. If you sulk or otherwise make your partner feel bad, you may end up coercing them into trying it anyway – and violate their consent.
It doesn’t have to be scary. Before you pitch the rough stuff you’re fantasizing about, get yourself excited by visualizing your partner giving you a big, enthusiastic thumbs up. Afterward, picture them saying “no,” as well – and come to peace with it. How will you handle it with grace?
When you’re prepared like this, any rejection will come more easily without disrupting the happiness of your relationship.
Once you get that resounding yes from you partner, get ready to establish a safeword. This is an essential part of any kind of rough play, and both you and your partner must be comfortable using it.
One of the most popular methods is the stoplight system:
If the stoplights don’t flow with you, choose another word that works. Some people use their partner’s middle name, since that’s something you never say in bed. You can also opt for a city name, a kitchen utensil, or your grandma’s most beloved recipe title – anything that is clearly not a word you’d utter under any circumstances while going at it.
These words are your source of power, and a safety line to make sure nobody’s boundaries are crossed while giving you the security to test one another’s limits. These few syllables work wonders when it comes to keeping both people confident during even the most intense kinds of play.
If you plan on engaging in breath play, or any other thing that may (ahem) occupy your mouth, establish a physical signal. Tapping their body three times in a clear, rapid succession, or making the OK signal with your hands both work. If you’re both restrained and gagged, try putting something like a bell in one free hand, so they can signal if they need to stop.
While this may sound formal, safewords are pivotal in helping you have safe, rough sex that blows your mind. The security of knowing you’ll be safe, or that you won’t harm your partner, paves the way to an unforgettable time.
At the end of the day, remember: there’s no wrong way to have sex as long as you’re both consenting. If your first foray into rough sex gets awkward, you trip, or both of you queef, it’s totally fine. You’re having sex the way you’re having sex, and you can’t get better at the rough stuff without trying it out first.
As you open yourselves up to different things, you may find your more kinky side emerge as well. Next thing you know, you may be buying or selling panties together, role playing, or even attending orgies together.
Did You Know We're The Biggest
Sell Now
Create Your Sexy Shop In Under 2 Minutes
Make Money Selling Your Used Items
Buy Now
Find Lovingly Used Panties, Toys & More
Explore Your Kinks With Our Sexy Sellers
Did You Know We're The
Sell Now
Create Your Sexy Shop In Under 2 Minutes
Make Money Selling Your Used Items
Buy Now
Find Lovingly Used Panties, Toys & More
Explore Your Kinks With Our Sexy Sellers
