The world is ever evolving. With new technologies, fears, and ideologies coming at us from left and right, it helps to remember that there is one constant pulsing in almost all our throat hollows: sex.
Under the covers late at night, solo, or with a trio in the kitchen, we’re all having it, wishing we were having more of it, or reminiscing about the times when we were going at it. And in this modern landscape of new thing after new thing (seriously, how many new iPhones do we actually need?), sex is one place where this pace of change is always welcome. No longer relegated to the expectation of missionary with the lights off, these days, whatever you’re after goes.
For some adventurous folks, that means group lovin’. The 1960s may have laid that sweet foundation for us all with their swinger parties, but it’s 2020, baby, and we’ve expanded well beyond the parameters laid out by straight people swapping partners for the night. Although those times are fun, and ‘60s swingers opened the door to a rip roarin’ good time for us all, now is the era where just about anything involving three or more willing bodies goes.
Curious? If you’ve been feeling more than a little frisky these days, you’re in luck. No matter what’s going on in the world, it’s always a good time to explore the world of group sex. As varied as it is titillating, total newbies and orgy hosts alike will always find a new avenue to plunder as they explore their sexuality with this thrilling lens.
Forget what little you learned in sex ed about rubbing two bodies together, brimming with shame, and popping out babies. Sex is fun, fulfilling, and – yes, I mean this – innocent. When you’re all down to explore and be present with each other’s bodies, you can go about it however makes you happiest. And with group sex – the possibilities are logistically boundless.
Once you get consent from everyone involved, there’s actually no “right” or “wrong” way to get intimate in groups. So long as all parties are on board and turned on by what’s happening, there’s only one limit to the kind of sex you have together: your imagination. All sex is limitless, but group sex in particular is as vast as the ocean is deep. Get enough interested people together, and you can recreate a midsummer fairy orgy, make a strip club come to life at home, or enjoy a thrilling sixty-nine loop made of twenty sweaty bodies. If you’ve dreamt of it, you can make it happen.
The possibilities are the best thing about getting sexy with so many partners at once. And it gets so much sweeter when their fantasies meld with yours. You all bring different ideas to the table, even if you’ve been married to your spouse for a decade, and imagination itself can be a whole other lover that comes along with you for the ride (in more ways than one).
But for folks new to the group sex scene, so many options can be intimidating. With almost endless possibility at your fingertips, you might even freeze up, unable to articulate what it is you want, like being offered a Las Vegas buffet with just one stomach to fill. It can be hard to wrangle down exactly what you’d like to fill your plate with – and one poor choice can turn you off from enjoying that kind of feast again.
You have to pick carefully, make sure your first time is good enough to promise a second time. And when you make your first profile on a hookup app, it doesn’t help that so much niche lingo is being thrown around. On casual dating apps, people know exactly what they’re looking for, and when you’re all there to get laid, users aren’t exactly shy about what they’re after. When you’re swiping through user after user showing off their plush bods and throwing out phrases like “soft swap,” it’s easy to get overwhelmed. After all, how turned on can you get if you’re busy scrambling to translate buzzwords during your maiden voyage into group sex?
But I’ve got your back. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to decode what kind of pleasure they have up their sleeve for you – all it takes is a little bit of research. Equipped with the words your potential honeys are throwing around will help you identify exactly what it is you’re after in the bustling world of group sex. And as diverse as all the kinds of sex you can have are, there are actually just three common configurations that group encounters stem from.
Out of all the group ways to get down, a threesome is perhaps the most popular, and has even woven its way into mainstream movies and shows. But straightforward as the concept is, they aren’t exactly simple. No two threesomes are alike, and any delectable blend of bodies can form a quality threesome. Three strangers, three friends, a couple with a third person, or three people dating one another equally in a triad – all of these kinds of threesomes offer a different dynamic, bringing new pleasures – and challenges.
While this is one of the most popular fantasies for getting it on, it comes with a caveat. A threesome usually involves two people with a little extra history between them. If that imbalance isn’t addressed head-on, that newest member in your bedroom can feel left out or reduced to a sex object instead of an autonomous human. To keep that from happening, a good threesome requires a hefty dose of communication before playing. Know what each other wants, voice your expectations, and be vulnerable about your intentions – even if you all know it’s a one night stand.
If you’re part of a couple in a threesome, go above and beyond to make the person you’re inviting into your fold feel safe. It always helps to give them plenty of escape hatches. Even if you’re pretty sure they want to be there, remember that the pressure of two people can be overwhelming, making it hard to speak up. I think we’ve all struggled to voice our boundaries when there was only one person in the mix – a unified duo looking for action is even harder to be firm with.
Be direct about your concern for their desires. Open the floor for them to communicate, and stress the importance of their consent. Better yet, always make it clear you can buy them a Lyft home at any point if they need one, too (and offer this well before anything happens). Most of all, never push when someone says no – and don’t try to bring it up again.
And when you’re hooking up with someone new, be accommodating and gracious about their fantasies and limitations alike. No matter how long you and your significant other have talked about hooking up with a new person, the cutie before you is not a fantasy – they’re a flesh and blood human being. One with desires, fantasies, and yes, feelings you can hurt.
Although this is the configuration of group sex with the fewest people involved, it is surprisingly one of the trickiest to navigate smoothly – maybe threesomes are the reason we have the phrase “third wheel.” But with conscious communication and a clear set of your own personal boundaries, a threesome can be one of the most fulfilling sexual experiences of you and both your partners’ lives.
Sometimes, it’s not just three people who click – it’s a delicious meeting of four eager bodies. Just like with threesomes, a foursome can have literally any arrangement of folks getting together, but most of the time, it’s two couples mutually looking for a little fun.
With a foursome, it’s practically a guarantee you’ll be satisfied by the end of the night. Even if both your new lovers are bad in bed, you’ll be with your partner the whole night through – and if satiating sex doesn’t sound like a given with your main squeeze, you may just need to have a one-on-one talk before diving into foursomes.
Because at their best, foursomes lets you enter the scene with a safety net below you in the form of your lover, promising pleasure no matter how awkwardly the rest of the night unfolds. Make no mistake: your first foursome might be a little stilted. More bodies means more elbows to knock, more conflicting styles of flirting. But that strangeness is part of what makes them so fun and thrilling – there’s more to kiss, explore, and experiment with. And hey, if it’s all so awkward it aches, you’ll at least have a partner to mull it over with on the drive home.
So couples of all experience levels, rejoice! Although it seems like adding more people to the mix would only complicate things more than a threesome, a foursome is actually a prime setting for folks to test those group sex waters. Despite having more people, a foursome actually calls for a little less communication than a threesome, especially if you start at the very foundation of a foursome:
Same room action
Nervous? Don’t be. Same room play is the gentlest way to explore the wet and wild kingdom of foursomes. Think of it like porn you can reach out and touch – or even direct, if you so dare. In same room play, two couples get together and have sex in one room. You may not even kiss the other couple once.
Same room play offers up a sexy setting, healthy flirtation, and a sense of exploration – without straying from the comfort of your partner. Safety, sexuality, and exploration rolled in one, this is a prime way to play for newbies and seasoned couples alike.
Soft swap
If you’re looking for something a little heavier without going all the way into the classic swinger setup, you may be craving a soft swap. With this style of hookup, the couples both play with each other lightly, but stop short of having “sex” – whatever that means to them. You might make out, undress each other, or even give oral. But when it comes time to reach whatever finish line you’ve established together, you and your partner find your way into each other’s arms again.
If you’re not comfortable with giving oral, but are down for some fingering, then have at it. A soft swap works so well because the only limits are what the two couples define them as. Whatever sex means to y’all is where the line is drawn.
Full swap
For the most comfortable couples looking for something extra, a foursome translates to a full swap: trading partners and taking it on home. Some people enjoy a full swap while in the same room, meaning you can enjoy the touch of a new lover while being able to reach out and hold your partner’s hand. For others, a little more privacy is the order of the day, and the new pairings amble off to separate rooms to rub each other down in peace.
Of course, it all goes without saying that the fourth (and most fun) option for a foursome would be devouring one another’s bodies like wildcats, all in one shared tangle on the bed. If that kind of play sounds like your jam, you may just want to take things a step further...
Out of all the ways to get down, this is the most infamous. We’ve been going at it in group settings for millennia, and it’s not going anywhere. A good orgy is ripe with different bodies, couplings, and toys all heaving in a sea of limbs.
No two orgies you go to will ever be the same, and what you get up to depends on your mood, how kinky the other folks at the orgy are, and the lovers you came with. Get your feet wet by having sex with your primary partner, surrounded by a crowd of onlookers, or land in a threesome with a sweet new cutie. If you’re shy, just watch others go at it while you pleasure yourself with a favorite toy.
Whatever you do, remember that every orgy is a unique experience, so go in there with an open mind, and have a little fun.
I said it once, and I’ll say it again. The only way to have a good time and get sexy the way that you are fantasizing about is by explicit, direct communication with your partners. Even if you’re flirting over drinks with three people you just met on a dating app, and you all know you want to have sex with each other, don’t wait until you’re taking your shirt off to lay down expectations, fantasies, and boundaries.
Ask what people are hoping to get out of the night. It’s an intimidating question, to be sure, and saying it can feel scary, but it’s the only way to guarantee everyone has a good time. Sharing your own hard limits and deep fantasies only gets you halfway there – the question is useless if you don’t actively listen to what partners have to say. When you share your fantasies, don’t propose them expecting a “yes.” In fact, a good policy when talking about sex with partners is to have high hopes and zero expectations.
That way, you can listen freely, and obey the number one rule of sex: honoring one another’s boundaries. The more people you get busy with, the more talks you’ll need to have. Get to know each lover’s wildest desires as well as their biggest no-nos, and accept those limits as fact. To make the night run seamlessly, establish a safeword (the stoplight system is a great place to start), so you can focus on each other’s bodies without worry.
If you talk it out with your lovers and find you all have different starting points of comfort, dial it back and start slow. Group sex is less about some destination, and more about the state of pleasure. Maybe your first time all together, you can rely on making out or mutual masturbation.
No matter how you play, you can’t have fun if you don’t communicate – so get comfortable broaching that topic over and over.
Believe it or not, group sex unfolds on practically every street corner in the U.S. The fun isn’t all in New York penthouses or the sex clubs of Berlin. Some of the wildest nights go down in suburban neighborhoods or rural homes tucked far in the woods outside sleepy towns – and you can get in on the action.
The easiest things to find are threesomes. With apps like Tinder, OkCupid, and Grindr on basically every eligible honey’s phone, you can slide into everyone’s pocket with just a few clicks.
But if you keep striking out or are just eager to entangle yourself with more than two lovers at once, opt for an app that’s made for group hookups. My personal favorite? Feeld, a queer-friendly app that’s all about threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes. What I love about Feeld is their emphasis on everybody being sexy. They believe “there is nothing more unpredictable and less binary than human desire” – and they deliver on that motto, boasting over twenty ways to identify your sexuality and identity. With options like those, you’re going to find the right connections for you.
The only caveat? Feeld’s not very popular outside of major metropolitan areas. But in even the smallest of towns, there is one site that can answer all your sexy prayers: FetLife. With over 7 million members and counting, this site is a haven for kinksters of all stripes – from erotic hypnosis to used panty fanatics. With so many people open about their desires, community events, play parties, and orgies nearby will fall right into your lap.
Times have changed, and with social distancing the norm around the world, many of us are just not looking for casual sex right now. Even with no intention of leaving the house, we all still have desires worth announcing, and social distancing can still lead to spicy partners and scintillating nights. You just have to get digital about it.
Thankfully, sex clubs and apps alike were quick to jump on the bandwagon to help group sex fiends have a better time getting sexy without leaving home. Big names like Killing Kittens have thrown their hats into the ring and offered up online orgies met with sold-out success. Suddenly, you have an in to enjoy some of the more exclusive sex clubs around the world with just the touch of a button. It makes sense that sex clubs jumped online. With so many people’s desires involved, group sex thrives when you redraw the lines that define sex in the first place – so what does a little screen between bodies matter?
Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that Feeld may not have many members in your town. Your lovers can be halfway across the world when all you’re trying to do together is sext, have phone sex, or get dirty on Zoom. And always on the forefront for our sexy needs, Feeld is already one step ahead of us with three virtual locations you can set on your app, so you can connect with cuties around the globe.
What makes this kind of hookup so great, on top of the fact that you can hang in your own bed and not have to put heels on once, is that consent is much easier to honor when everything is virtual. While you can obviously still feel violated online (just ask anyone who’s been doxxed, slut shamed, or had their nudes leaked), you have much greater control of the situation. If you’re suddenly uncomfortable by something someone says or a way they act while you’re getting it on, you have the power to free yourself with just one click.
Virtually or in the flesh, group sex enriches your sex life. So dive into that web of limbs and moans and curls. Start with a soft swap – or just find a sexting partner on Feeld. The night is yours, so how will you proceed?
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