Chains and whips excite me...but they don’t excite my partner.
Everyone wants to carry out their naughty fantasies, but what happens when you’re in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t express the same enthusiasm over your kink? Or worse - what if your partner really doesn’t understand your kink or fetish and actually hates the things that turn you on?
Whether you’re in the early stages of a relationship or 5 years in, talking about your kinks, fetishes, and desires can be a great way to strengthen your relationship and your sex life.
It can be a bit daunting to have that conversation, especially if you are feeling a bit insecure about your sexual desires - but being honest and clear about what you want is the best approach here.
First of all, maybe your kink isn’t even that weird - and maybe your partner is on board with giving it a try once you give a little bit of an explanation. I mean, the list of the most common kinks and fetishes might surprise you.
Secondly, having an open conversation with your partner and hearing their point of view might give you a little insight into why they feel that way. Maybe they’ve had a bad experience and are reluctant to give it another try, or maybe they just know nothing about what you’re into and are finding it difficult to dive into something so unfamiliar.
It’s important for each person to set clear boundaries and explain what they are willing to compromise on, what they’d be willing to try, and what is a hard no. Once you have the talk, you can figure out how to make each other happy in ways you will both enjoy.
On the other hand, if you have had the conversation and are still not on the same page - you both might have some difficult choices to make.
Breaking up over a kink might seem a bit extreme because of course, relationships are more than just sex - but sex and intimacy are important pillars to a happy and satisfying life together. In fact, according to a 2015 study conducted in China, more sex (and better sex) has been proven to increase a couple’s long-term happiness.
It’s common for you and your partner to have different sexual interests - but when it comes to kinks and fetishes, these needs can be particularly strong. And strong desires often result in strong feelings about them. Love it or hate it, how your partner feels about your kink can really influence your sex life. And an inconsistent and unsatisfying sex life can ultimately put a strain on your relationship.
If your needs aren’t being met, you may begin to question if you are compatible with each other. If your partner is feeling pressured to try something they have no interest in, they may start to feel inadequate and question if you’re happy in the relationship. Even if you aren’t intentionally putting pressure on them - it’s difficult to know that your partner isn’t satisfied.
Maybe this is a deal-breaker.
Or maybe you can find new and exciting kinks you’re both interested in trying together.
Whatever this means for your situation, being honest with yourselves and each other is only going to make things easier.
I’ll take kinks and fetishes for one, please.
Of course, you don’t want to pressure your partner into trying something they aren’t interested in - but you don’t have to give up your kink, either. Well, YOU don’t have to.
Depending on what you’re into, there are so many ways you can safely practice your kinks on yourself, by yourself and for yourself. From self-bondage tutorials on Youtube to the testing out some new toys, there are endless ways to have your kinkier needs met while going solo.
Exploring what turns you on and giving your alone time a little spice can help avoid tension and pressure in your relationship. Who knows, maybe make a little tease video for them and they might even start to come around to the idea.
An important note: certain kinks (like breath play or intense/elaborate bondage) can be extremely dangerous and should not be attempted while you’re alone.
You’ve had the conversation with your partner, you’ve explained yourself, you’ve maybe even gotten down on your knees (to beg, and then to do that other thing they like so much)...but the verdict is in: it’s just not happening.
This doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye to your naughty fantasies. Kinks and fetishes are an expression of our sexuality that can be an important part of having a healthy and satisfying sex life. Just because your partner isn’t interested in exploring your kink doesn’t mean you can’t explore it in a different way.
Porn can be a great outlet for sexual desires and fantasies we aren’t able to experience in our own lives and trust me when I say that whatever you’re into, there’s porn for that.
If you’re both feeling frisky and want to add a little spice to an otherwise bland Friday night, watching your kink being performed on-screen can be just as erotic as participating in it yourself. Watching porn together is a great way to bring this into the bedroom in a way you’re both comfortable with.
Watching porn and fantasizing is great, but there will likely come a time when you want to take your kinky desires IRL...and if your partner isn’t interested in participating, it can seem kind of impossible.
There may be a way for you to have your cake and eat it, too. An open relationship, a hall pass, a threesome, or a freebie night are all possible solutions if you and your partner are finding that there are certain things you aren’t getting from each other, and you’re both comfortable involving other people.
Of course, these things should always be discussed and everyone should be on the same page before inviting another person into your bed.
Maybe your partner decides to give your kink a try. Maybe it’s important that you stay together and you’re willing to find other ways to express those desires by yourself. Or maybe this really is a breaking point in your relationship and you both go on to try to find someone with similar sexual interests.
There are things we can compromise about ourselves, new things we are willing to try and ways we are willing to make sacrifices for the person we love - but there are also things that we know are just part of who we are.
Whatever the outcome is, the things you like in bed and how you decide to express your sexuality are critical keys to who you are as a person.