My husband and I tried roleplaying for the first time: here’s what happened

The used panty marketplace

I love to write about sex – I live for it. Whether I’m talking about how selling panties is a sexy side hustle we should all try, or I’m making the case for sex in public, dishing about how to get it on is one of the most fulflilling facets of my life. It probably comes as nobody’s surprise then that a thriving sex life is as essential to me as water. I wither without it. 

Luckily, my primary partner is my husband and best friend. I could fill this entire article singing his praises, but in a nutshell, I’d say he’s funny, nonjudgmental, and blissfully GGG (good, giving, and game). Okay, and hot. 

When I say funny, I mean it. Our relationship is built on playtime. We invent wild scenarios daily and act them out to the end – a habit that we kicked into hyperdrive after taking improv together. Sometimes, that playing leads to play wrestling, or hugging, which inevitably leads us to a very different kind of roll in the hay.

But somehow, we’ve never once managed to formally gave roleplaying a whirl – until now. I don’t understand what took us so long. When this chance to experiment came down the pipeline, I jumped at the chance to flex our playtime muscles in a totally new way. So, with a deadline looming and the beginning flutters of anticipation building in me, I filled my husband in on what we were getting up to this week.

First stop: negotiations

Writing for Sofia Gray, I pitch every headline that I write, but I never quite know what’s in store for me until the week of. While I’d already asked my husband if I could add this headline to the list of potential articles, we both weren’t expecting it to come so soon.

That didn’t mean we weren’t game. When I told him about our new assignment for the week, we both were stoked to get it on the books. Since we both had some time to spare, we dove right into the nitty gritty and started negotiating the scene. Before we could schedule any kind of role play, we had to know each other’s fantasies and boundaries first.

Right out the gate, we found a common limit: my husband and I both dislike power dynamics. As two queer folks in a straight-assumed relatonship, it doesn’t feel good to reinforce any socially perceived imbalances. And although I like to be at the receiving end of pain in the bedroom, my husband isn’t a dom-type so much as a naughty bestie who’s down to spank me or slap me to my heart’s content.

Unfortunately, almost all the roleplay scenarios we could think of had power dynamics at their core – especially any where pain was a factor. That put a pin in spanking, as well as power struggle scenarios. No boss and personal assistant, no doctor and patient. And because we’d both taught for years in the past, the teacher/student dynamic felt simultaneously uncomfortable and boring. Teaching? Again? Hard pass. We’d both had one too many students call us “teacher” instead of our names for that to resemble our shared idea of fun.

So, we started exploring role plays where both parties were on equal footing. At first, we were stumped, but eventually we found a role that worked for us both. It had relatively equal power, lots of room for imaginative play, and was easy to act out: a flight attendant and their passenger.

Given that we both have a history of being terrified on flights, it was an odd choice. Maybe we were trying to act out some sort of fantasy to give us control in the skies? Whatever it was, one thing was certain – we were entering the (make believe) Mile High Club together.

The only problem? We’re currently in the middle of relocating to a much larger house with our roomies, but for now, we’re all sardined into a seven-hundred-square-foot apartment with two dogs. I love all four of our roomies (furry and otherwise), but it’s not exactly a large enough space for us to get rowdy in our role play. So although we had these roles in hand, it was now time to get creative with the next challenge...

...putting sex on the books.

This is something I’d been meaning to do anyway. Ever since I read an article on the revolutionary benefits of scheduling sex dates, I’ve been curious about what would happen if I set aside two to three hour blocks each week just to have sex. I can’t find that first article I read, but this one gives you the gist of why these hours-long sex sessions are so powerful. When I first started daydreaming about scheduling sex dates, I’d pictured those hours of sex to be more serious or focused exploration of our techniques. I definitely hadn’t planned on dedicating much time to role playing – but the more I thought about it, the more excited I grew. 

The struggle was finding a time when we thought both of our roomies would be working. We wanted to be able to act out our roles loudly and with confidence, not worrying about our roommates hearing our airline fantasies unfold through the walls. That meant we had to wait until Monday, putting about four days between our negotiation and the big event.

As the days stretched on, it almost felt like the wait was its own kind of foreplay. All week we exchanged looks or raised eyebrows in anticipation, murmuring how excited we were. I felt like I couldn’t stop bringing it up. 

Waiting gave us time to further define our session, as well. We’d toyed with being structured about it, but eventually decided we’d both do best if we treated it like improv: we had a clear beginning (I was a flight attendant, he was a passenger), and knew that the end goal was to have sex. Everything else between was a delicious question mark. 

The flirting and anticipation grew with each passing day, making me almost feel giddy. We’d never done anything like this before. Had I ever looked forward to a Monday this much in my life? By the time Monday rolled around, I was on the edge of my seat – it was game time.

No dress rehearsal – it was showtime

Monday came, and waking up felt like XXXmas morning. One of our roommates had gone out to work already, but we could hear the other one milling around. So, unable to begin, we set about our usual morning routine, lying in wait.

When the door finally clicked shut as our last roommate left, I felt it: the absence of anyone else but my husband. Our window of time had opened. Although I was eager, I didn’t rush getting ready, and put on makeup and got dressed – two things I never do if I’m staying in. As I did this, I started thinking about the ways that this character was different from me, and how she could look different, too. I decided my flight attendant self arches her eyebrows when she draws them on, and that she is one of those people who puts mascara on her lower lashes.

These touches were just for me. My husband only ever puts on highlighter or glitter, and even then rarely. He probably wasn’t going to notice a subtle change in my mascara routine. But altering my face helped me get into this new persona, and have more fun with the whole roleplay as a whole. 

Clothes were a different subject. I don’t have a single outfit I would call “flight attendant appropriate.” Thankfully, imagination came to my rescue. Pairing a pencil skirt with a button down and thigh highs, I topped the look off with a sailor’s hat that said “Ahoy” and a pin with the name “Steve” on it. Yes, I used my Stranger Things costume remnants to complete my flight attendant aesthetic. 

And just like that, Steve the high femme flight attendant for Ahoy! Airlines was born.

Since I was the flight attendant, I took it on myself to rearrange the airplane (also known as our bedroom). I moved a chair so that the closet could serve as the overhead bin, and tidied any clutter so our room transformed into a vessel for the scene we had in store.

My husband's look was a lot simpler than mine, so he threw it together more quickly: casual comfort clothes for a long flight, with one carry-on slung over his shoulder. In under five minutes, Beluga the traveler was ready for takeoff. 

As he was putting on his shoes to start the scene, I even managed to throw together a ticket for Ahoy! Airlines, Flight 69.

Taking off

I think we were both nervous starting out – I know I was. It had been several months since we’d taken an improv class, and I wanted to make sure I was doing this whole roleplay thing right and wasn’t going to embarrass myself. Most of all, I was so worried about not wanting to overthink it – which meant I was overthinking it. 

I shouldn’t have worried. As we committed to the scene, things got easier. Just outside the bedroom door, Beluga stood in the hall as I took the other, invisible passengers’ tickets for the flight. When it was finally his turn, I scanned his ticket in, giving him a lingering glance as I handed it back. I won’t lie, I was tempted to laugh about the whole thing and break character, but he stuck to his performance, all while bringing something to my attention:

In my haste to make a ticket, I’d completely forgotten to include a destination. Oddly, that hiccup was what I needed to roll into character, and we recovered quickly. Beluga was a deft improviser, and together we made up a justification for the ticket’s mystery. 

When I’d handed the ticket back, I knew I could follow him right into the bedroom, but I wanted to build the anticipation. So, I took a few more mythical tickets (complete with fake beeping noises), to let him get settled and wonder what was coming next.

When I finally sealed the door to our plane, I turned around to find myself alone with Beluga in first class. Although I felt like I couldn’t look him in the eyes too long without wanting to laugh, I suddenly knew we were going to have an amazing flight.

Smooth flyin’

It all started when I helped Beluga load his bag in the overhead compartment. We had to rearrange someone else’s bag, and he was great at helping me hoist myself up there to reach. It was flirty, it was fun, and Steve the flight attendant was blushing. When we finished stowing the bag, Beluga was playfully nervous, too.

The whole scene felt like that – a dance of some kind. All too often, sex puts you in a consistent trajectory towards a goal, moving forward and forward with your sights locked in on Orgasm City. While that’s fun and has its own place in the bedroom, role play was nothing like that.

It built up anticipation in a way I hadn’t felt before. Sex is generally ripe with yearning, but it is often single-minded. Getting attached to the plot helped me stay rooted, while distracting me enough to yank myself back into the present moment, enjoying each sensation.

 Once he got his bag secured, I left to grab him a coffee and a hot towel improvised from an emptied pencil cup and a hankie. The props were essential for getting me into the zone. As I handed him the pencil cup coffee, it dawned on me that there was no wrong way to do this – and I was rushed with relief to realize that. If we were having fun and interacting with a vague storyline, we were doing right, end of story. All too often, when it comes to virtually anything in our society – music, art, a kink, dancing – we’re told something has to be one way in order for it to be right or have value.

It’s not true. And a role play is whatever you make of it. With that knowledge in hand, that pencil cup let me channel my inner flight attendant sex god, which came in handy as I placed the “hot” towel on my passenger’s neck and chest – and was useful again when he accidentally spilled his coffee all over himself, meaning we had to take his clothes off to dry.

After such a burn, it was only natural that I had to moisturize the parts of his body that got seared by that fictional coffee. Luckily, Ahoy! Airlines carried ample coconut oil in flight – and you can only imagine the places that needed attention.

From there, we roved around the cabin, turbulence putting us into all kinds of compromising positions, rocking and swaying, gripping each other’s bodies for stability. At some point, the tension was wound too high. After so much build up and release, we surrendered to each other’s bodies and focused on exchanging pleasure until we both wilted on the bed.

Sex was delightfully different when roleplaying, too. Giving into a new persona gave me greater license to exchange feedback and fantasies. Since I was pretending I’d never slept with this person in my life, I got to ask him what he liked, what he loved, and what he didn’t feel too keen on. It was a powerful way to get intimately acquainted with what he didn’t just moan in agreement to, but with what actively had him saying, “Please, do it again.”

The whole experience surprised me in how humbling it was. I know I had thought I was already fluent in having sex with my life partner, but this new way to play showed me how much more we have left to learn together. 

All in all, roleplaying took us well over an hour from start to finish, which is a good enough length of time to explore our characters and bodies together on a midmorning time crunch. When our communal thirst had been slaked with coconut oil and orgasms, we said “aaaaand SCENE” at the same time, breaking character, and freeing us to cuddle for a minute before starting the Monday grind.

Roleplaying brought out a side of our relationship I hadn’t seen in years: being nervous around each other. Pretending not to know each other made us fumbling and awkward. We’d touch hips or stand too close, and suddenly I’d feel like blushing. This reawakened sensation felt really darling after a decade together. That feeling carried throughout the day. We were flirty, shy. We kept finding excuses to push our bodies against each other’s, graze hipbones, or make eyes. Our conversation kept winding back to how fun the role play was. And for the record, the names “Beluga” and “Steve” seem to have stuck – at least for now. 

Thoughts for next time

Although I had a wonderful time, there are a few things I’d like to try differently down the line. For starters, I’d let myself prepare my outfit and props a little more thoroughly. The ticket, backpack, hot towel, and coffee cup were essential additions, and if we’d had even more props to work with, I imagine they all would have added another creative twist to our play. Same goes for appropriate mood music or sounds. It only occurred to me after the fact that a simple YouTube search would yield airplane sounds to help add to the atmosphere. For whatever kind of role play we perform next time, I’ll be sure to find the right kind of background noise to make our setting come to life.

Appropriate lighting would also go a long way. When we played this time, we were stuck with only an overhead light at our disposal. While that works for an airplane setting, lamps and fairy lights would enhance most other scenes.

Playing this first time made me eager to rearrange the room more completely or use the rest of the house down the line. New rooms mean new ideas. I see cooking competition role play in the kitchen, using the living room for some sex olympics, or draping a tapestry over my bedroom desk to transform the vibe of the room (or at least hide my novel manuscript).

Finally, this was only a problem because we’re in the midst of moving, but I kept finding myself wanting to reach for sex toys and not having access to them. Role playing in general made me feel more adventurous, and I would like to honor that call next time by having my full box of tricks within arm’s length. Next time, no toys will be off the table.

The verdict?

Honestly, I don’t know what in the world took me so long to try roleplaying. It was fun, engaging, flirty, and shockingly easy to do. I loved it! And although we were getting good and dirty, something about the playful nature had me feeling almost innocent as we did it.

I’ve long known that playtime is a vital way to feel alive and connect with your partner. Blending playtime with sex turned out to be a wonderful way to release assumptions about pleasure and banish the gravity that sometimes accompanies romancin’.

My whole life, I’ve thrived in storytelling. First with Barbies and stuffed animals, and now, writing novels and short stories. Creating characters is a core part of my identity, and now that I’ve tried it once, it feels so natural to incorporate that part of myself into the bedroom. In a weird way, it feels like I’ve found a way to show up as me in a whole new way – by being someone other than myself.

Who knows who we’ll be next time – but whether we’re cowboys, poker pros, or mimes, I know I’m game for the whole ride.