Let’s talk about online crushes for a hot minute. We all have them. Even the monogamous Marys and Larrys get the occasional Twitter or Instagram crush - it’s totally fine.
You see their sultry Saturday evening selfie or their cute Monday morning rant about needing coffee, maybe you scroll through and find a shot of them on a beach somewhere...your mind starts to wander to some pretty naughty places.
If you’re single and ready to put yourself out there, you may be contemplating commenting something sexy on their photo to let them know just how into them you are. But there’s a much better way. Instead of commenting on their public posts, take things private and send them a direct message.
What exactly does it mean to slide into someone’s DMs?
“Sliding into someone’s DMs” can be thought of as the online equivalent of successfully buying someone a drink and striking up a more-than-friendly conversation. Except here, you don’t have to buy them a drink, you just have to send them a private message that’s not creepy or annoying. It’s harder than it looks, though - but more on that later.
The term DM is short for “direct message” and it most often refers to private messages between two people on a social media platform.
If you’re familiar with Twitter, you’ll know the platform has quite the NSFW following and things can get pretty wild there. Instagram is one of the other platforms where sliding into someone’s DMs based is pretty common.
When done right, this will mean you go from being a casual online acquaintance they occasionally interact with to someone they message privately - and these messages can be pretty raunchy if you play your cards right.
Of course, some online friendships are built through a successful DM slide, but for the sake of this article, we’re going to be talking about the two most popular reasons someone tries to pull this off: sex or a relationship.
The world of DMs is quite harsh, though - and it takes a lot to get in the door. The larger the person’s following on the platform, the more messages they are bound to be receiving, which means it’s even more difficult for you to stand out.
But it’s worth a shot, especially if you feel a connection with them (or want to).
You read all the time about that guy who married the girl after sliding into her DMs or the couples who have been together for years because one of them successfully caught the other’s attention with a DM. And don’t even get me started on all the wild hookups that have happened as a result of a successful DM slide.
As a sex writer with an NSFW Twitter account and many sex-positive friends, I’ve heard my fair share of incredible one night stands that happened because someone took the DM risk and it paid off.
Here’s what to do (and what not to do) to pull off sliding into her DMs the right way...
A DM out of nowhere by someone who doesn’t even follow you on that platform is...sketchy, to say the least. First of all - why don’t you want to follow me? I post funny stuff.
Secondly, why are you all up in my DMs like you want me but can’t take two seconds to click the “follow” button? This is beyond suspicious - maybe you’re not following me because you have a wife or girlfriend who wouldn’t appreciate what you’re doing online...and that’s a total turn-off.
Follow the person, maybe interact with some of their posts over the next few days and then drop them a DM - you will have much better luck this way.
This may seem super obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people DM me when the very first line on my bio (across all my socials) says that I’m married. I even have “monogamous” written on one of my bios, and still, I get unsolicited dick pics and propositions for hook-ups all the time.
Take a few minutes to actually read their bio before you message them - if they don’t mention a relationship, take a quick browse at their photos and see if you can spot a wedding ring or a partner. If not, feel free to take your shot, dude!
However, if you notice they are in a relationship or their bio very clearly says “no DMs”, just move it along - she’s not your girl.
Or - here’s a wild thought: message them and ask if they are single and looking. It’s a very normal question and some people (like myself) much prefer that than an overly sexual first message when you’re not even sure that they are available.
If I had a dollar for every generic “hey, sexy” message that’s come my way, I’d be one rich bitch. I don’t mean to sound too demanding here, but put a bit more effort into it than that, fellas. The compliment itself is fine, I don’t have a problem with being objectified - we all do it, it’s flattering to be called sexy. What I have a problem with is the total lack of interest on your part if you can’t think of anything else to say than “hey.”
Successful DMs that actually lead to long talks and potential hookups are conversation starters - they are unique, interesting messages that make the person you’re sending it to want to respond and keep talking to you.
What to avoid:
Some suggestions on what to say:
When it comes to DMs, there are tons of things that immediately make me click away - and one of them is the use of inappropriate emojis.
If you can’t take the time to craft up an original message that doesn’t involve something crude and immature, then I don’t really have time for that (and neither will the one you’re trying to impress).
The following emojis have NO place in a first DM interaction:
Adding an occasional flame emoji or a seductive smiley when the conversation gets going somewhere kinky and fun is one thing, but starting with these suggestive emojis shows you have nothing else on your mind but sex. Being consumed by thoughts of hooking up with your Twitter crush is totally normal and fine - but come on, we’re human beings...doesn’t the girl at least deserve little woo-ing before you consummate this social media booty call?
Just don’t be that guy. End of story.
Now that we’ve gotten the “don’t send a dick pic as your first message” disclaimer out of the way (sorry, to everyone who finds that one obvious - it still needed to be said), let’s talk about what you should say...
Here’s something most women will agree with: funny guys are cute AF. It’s practically science. We like to laugh, we like when things aren’t so serious, we like it when you’re able to give us a mini mood boost with a funny one-liner or a joke about something we’re mutually interested in.
The more original your jokes are, the more we can see you genuinely care about making a good first impression and continuing conversation - this bodes really well for taking your online conversations to in-person meet-ups.
Compliments that are sincere, not always about the person’s looks and out of the blue can kick-start a conversation with even the most closed-off person if they are crafted in a way that is respectful and polite.
If you throw out compliments about the girl’s body, her looks, how great she would be in bed...these are all things women ignore for two reasons: one, because she has very likely heard it all thousands of times from other guys trying to slide into our DMs. And secondly, it’s just a little too easy. You think that you can tell her she’s pretty and she will immediately want to send you a nude photo of herself? It doesn’t quite work that way, friends - sorry to burst your bubble.
Compliment her on her taste in music if she posts a lot of that on her timeline, or her sense of humor if she normally shares witty and clever status updates. Think outside the box with your compliments and you may just get a response.
With platforms like OnlyFans (more on that below), various cam-websites, and cash apps like Paypal and Venmo, online sex work is becoming safer and less stigmatized, which means it’s becoming more and more common to trade nudes as a service that someone pays you for. If you are wanting someone to come over to your NSFW OnlyFans account or buy private content from you, don’t do the obvious cash grab.
Start a conversation, pique their interest, and then offer your services, whatever those may be.
There is nothing worse than receiving a message that looks like it should immediately be tossed in the “spam” folder because it’s essentially just asking you (in a very generic way) to subscribe to their paid platform. That’s a great way to get blocked - trust me, I block people like this daily.
I already know I’m going to regret saying this.
However...there are times when being thirsty works.
Let me explain.
If you know this person has an NSFW account and has posted about being single and looking for online fun, you may be in luck. Check her bio - there’s a chance it says something like “DMs open, 18+”.
If this is the case, you can imagine that she may be open to some bold flirting. This doesn’t mean you should bombard her with unsolicited nudes - it just means that you can maybe be a bit bolder than you’d be with other women.
Being bold (in the best ways) can include:
Depending on the scenario, being bold and honest about how attractive someone is to you can work out in your favor - read their vibe and take your shot if you think it’s appropriate.
Men - listen closely: you can be subtle and still let us know you’re interested. You don’t have to come in, dick-pics at the ready.
Flirting is an art. If you’re new to the game, let’s go over a few simple rules…
Naughty subtext is everything.
Talking about hypothetical situations, making sexual puns or innuendos you both know are about something other than what you’re talking about...these are the kinds of games women like to play. We like to feel like there is some kind of naughty subtext to the conversation we’re having.
Teasing the idea of pleasure builds anticipation.
One of the reasons dick pics don’t work (aside from the fact that they are random and quite rude to send without consent) is that there is no build-up. Just all of a sudden, we’re staring at a penis. There was no witty sexual banter, no tension, nothing...
Tease our imagination. Engage in titillating conversation that adds an undertone of sexual tension to our conversations so that we can’t help but think of what you look like naked.
Originality and patience usually always get the “yes”.
Sliding into someone’s DMs successfully requires a bit of patience and originality. Don’t be like every other message in her inbox.
Stand out, make her curious about you, and THEN make her want you. In that order.
Moving from your first message into a conversation that will hopefully lead to more can be a lot easier said than done. As I’ve mentioned, the perfect DM slide will make her notice you, want to get to know you and then want to know what you look like naked, in that order.
Ask her questions (not too personal or forward).
Questions are always great conversation starters if they are asked in the right context. Asking her about a tattoo she’s posted about or what her favorite TV shows are can get the ball rolling - people like to talk about things they are interested in (and themselves).
If you find a mutual interest, go with that.
Maybe you’ve asked her about her favorite hobbies or noticed she quotes a lot of your favorite comedian in her status updates...if you find something you both like, focus on that. TV shows, movies, and current events are great topics - choose one you feel comfortable talking about and share some of your unique opinions.
If the conversation is fizzling, maybe it’s not going to work out.
Keeping an interesting conversation going is (most of the time) effortless with the right person. With the wrong person, it can feel like trying to make dinner conversation with a tablecloth. If you notice the conversation is flowing from topic to topic without much awkwardness in between, chances are she’s into you. If you are struggling to find things to connect with her on, you might need to move on.
GIF reactions are great when they are used at the right time.
One of the great things about social media these days is that you can respond to something without actually saying anything. Memes and GIFs are great ways of adding a bit of humor and uniqueness to your conversations. If she says something funny, respond with a laughing GIF. If something awkward happens, respond with an awkward GIF.
When you’re talking, you may be nervous and want to come off like the cool guy, but oftentimes that just seems arrogant and obnoxious. Be yourself, talk about things you are interested in, don’t fake it for the sake of maybe scoring with her. Chances are she will see that you’re not being genuine and move on.
If the vibe is flowing, add some sexy subtext.
If you’re getting a good feeling from the conversation, feel free to add a bit of naughty subtext to your conversation. Slyly mention how sexy you find her, excuse yourself to go have a shower or mention something kinky that you’re into and see where that leads!
If there’s a chance you can move things from online to in-person, things could get real kinky real fast. But, of course, meeting up with social media followers can be a bit daunting, so play your cards right.
Don’t push it.
There is nothing more intimidating than someone pushing you to meet them IRL when you’re not totally set on the idea. It makes things seem a bit sketchier and can definitely put a girl off from a first rendezvous.
If they’re game, offer a few different options.
If, by chance, they are down for a meeting and you can make it happen, offer a few different options and let her make the choice. A bar, a club, a restaurant, the movies, or her apartment - whatever works.
Discuss “what this is” ahead of time.
Some people look for true love through social media, others use it more like a casual dating app for hookups and one-offs. Discuss what this will be ahead of time so there are no surprises when it comes time to meet up.
If it is strictly about sex, talk about limits and boundaries before you meet up.
If you two are simply meeting up to get down and dirty, discuss safe words and boundaries before you meet. Of course, you can go over it all in person, but you can even use the discussions as a sense of foreplay. Talking about what will happen once you’re together can really raise the tension.
Maybe you’re looking for nothing more than a bit of online fun. If that’s the case, make your intentions clear from the beginning. If you find a match who is looking for the same things you are, there are quite a few ways you can get down and dirty online.
Trading nudes via DMs
The most common and easiest way to have some fun might be to strip down to your sexiest selves right there in the DMs. Be wary, though - nudes sent through DMs aren’t protected and can never be taken back. I suggest not showing your entire face in any sexy selfies you choose to send through social media DMs.
Since Snapchat came onto the scene in 2011, it’s been used globally for the exchanging of NSFW messages because of its groundbreaking disappearing photo feature that allows your content to be visible for only a short period of time. Snapchat also alerts you if a screenshot is taken of any photo you send.
Confide - the confidential private messaging app
If you’re interested in exchanging more than just a casual nude here and there, you can go more of the private messaging route and maybe carry on a longer-term internet-fuck-buddy relationship with your crush.
Confide is one of the best ways to do this. Confide, like Snapchat, has the feature of disappearing messages. However, unlike Snapchat, Confide is end-to-end encrypted and considered one of the safest private messaging apps around.
Call me old-fashioned, but as someone who found love online in the early 2010s, Skype sex was my go-to. From that time I had a 6-month cam-sex fling with a total stranger to making my 3-year long-distance relationship work, having naughty video calls on Skype is a trusty fall-back option if you’re looking for something simple.
OnlyFans is the first platform of it’s kind to allow sex workers and sex-positive content to do their thing without much censorship. While some argue this is changing due to the platform’s growing popularity, OnlyFans has assured users they will not silence sex-positive content.
The way it works: if you’re a content creator (in this case, an NSFW one who wants to engage with their fans, perhaps ones who have sent you naughty DMs in the past), OnlyFans is a great way to interact with your followers and earn a little cash. Fans can subscribe to your content for a monthly fee and see all the naughty things you post from nudes to masturbation videos.
Think of it like sliding into someone’s DMs but on a mass-scale, where the only people receiving your DMs (or your content, in this case), are people who’ve signed up (and paid) for it.
Now that you’ve got the know-how, you just need to muster up enough courage to press “send”. I expect to see some proper DM sliding out there from you all. Stay kinky, friends - and let those DMs fly.