But you can, and arguably should, talk about sex with a woman you’re getting to know — even on a first date.When done correctly, it not only shows confidence, honesty, and a no-nonsense approach to life, it also allows you to see if you’re a match sexually. You both could be into some kinky practices that you wouldn’t know unless you spoke about it, and talking about it, may actually get her excited to try it on out with you.
Still, you need to be careful in your approach. Otherwise, you’ll come off as a creepy, aggressive horndog. Most men who do bring up sex fall into this category.
That said, here’s how to talk about sex (and kinks) on a first date.
First and foremost, let sex come up organically in conversation. When she says her cat just died, I wouldn't reply with, “I’m so sorry, babe. Maybe if I tied you up and spanked you, you’d feel better?”
No, obviously not.
You might be thinking there are never any organic opportunities to bring up sex on a first date, but that my friend, is where you are unequivocally wrong. During every first date, there are a myriad of acceptable times to bring up sex.
For example, let’s say you’re discussing hobbies — a very common topic on a first date — that’s a perfect opportunity to say you go to sex parties or have been exploring BDSM.
Or, say the topics of ex boy/girlfriends comes up. People often like to talk about what went wrong with previous relationships on a first date. That would be a great opportunity to bring up sex. You could discuss how you weren’t sexually compatible with your ex, how sexual attraction waned over time, or how you wanted to explore more kinky things to spice up the relationship, but she wasn’t down.
It’s only weird if you make it weird, which leads into the next major component of discussing sex: how to talk about sex and all topics sex-adjacent. This is where the vast majority of men go wrong. You don’t talk about what you would like to do with or to your date. That is far too aggressive. You talk about things you have done previously and like doing sexually.
Continuing with this idea that you’re into sex parties, feel free to talk about them. How did you get involved? How often do you go? What is it that you like about them? Who have you met there? What’s the scene like?
Nevertheless, I wouldn’t delve into a monologue. I’d start with, “Actually, something I really like doing is going to sex parties.”
You say this in the same manner that you would say, “Actually, I like putting pineapple on my pizza.” This is how you own it. If you make it this big, “taboo” deal, it becomes one. If you speak about your kinks confidently, like you would another quirky, non-sexual thing you like, then it becomes just that, something interesting and different about you, as opposed to something aggressive and creepy.
Don’t treat topics surrounding sex as more “serious” or “strange” because sex isn’t either of those things. Sex is fun. It’s beautiful. It’s something we all have and love to have. It’s what keeps humanity going.
Then you can delve into what the scene is like. The things you like about it, where you you think sex parties could improve, and so on.
Again, make sure to keep having a dialogue. Don’t ramble on about sex parties. She needs time to digest, and you need time to see if this is something you should continue discussing. If she seems uncomfortable, you can take a step back. Make a little joke, and say something like, “I know, it’s definitely a little out there. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
Still, notice, that you didn’t apologize. There’s nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong. Even if she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about sex, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t respect you for having an open dialogue about it. That could do with her hangups, not your approach.
But assuming she wants to keep having the conversation, and likely, she will, give her opportunities to ask you questions about sex parties. Likely, she’ll ask how you discovered it.
Then you can talk about how your ex got you into it, or you read an article online and thought it sounded cool so you attended. Maybe you wanted to explore BDSM and found that sex parties were a safe and fun way to dip your toes into the kink waters. Whatever it is, be honest, take breaks while speaking, and let her lead where the conversation goes. Likely, it will end in a larger conversation where you both discuss kink and your own personal fetishes.
When you talk about sex in this way, instead of sounding “creepy” you’re actually presenting yourself as being more vulnerable, while simultaneously confident. You’re acting vulnerable by exposing certain aspects about yourself that most people would judge. That’s a huge risk you’re taking with someone you don’t know particularly well. On the flip side, it also shows a comfort discussing sex. That’s not something many men can do and requires a deep level of confidence, which as well all know, is attractive to women.
When done correctly, talking about sex will facilitate a deeper connection with your date. And who knows? You may just learn she’s into the same kinky shit that you are.