How Do You Mend a Broken Heart: Recovering from a Bad Dominant

The used panty marketplace

The road to sexual discovery is one filled with ups and downs and sometimes even surprises as you explore the things that turn you on. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated with being tied up and having someone control me. I’m happiest when I am pleasing someone else and doing what I can to bring them joy.

As an erotica writer, I love sex and I really love the Alpha male. The way that they take charge and take care of their woman is something that turns me on. One series I read early on in my quest described the man trampling anyone that messed with his woman. While I would personally be mortified if my man behaved that way, the idea that someone wanted to possess me in that way, was a huge turn on that I didn’t know I had. I desperately wanted to be craved by a man. Owned by a man. And that’s when I really dug in and began learning as much as I could about Dominants and submissives.

The more I research and write about Dominants and submissives for Sofia Gray, the more I realize the type of submissive I am. The variety of submissives is endless. There are subs out there, like me, that want to relinquish total control to their Dom in the bedroom and even let it trickle out into all other aspects of their life. I like for my Dom to chose my nail color, lingerie, and even my clothes for the day if I’m feeling tired or indecisive. This is because they may want someone to take the pressure away that they feel all day when they are in control of all of the things for other people, for their work, for their families. Balancing all of the things that women are supposed to balance is exhausting on a good day. Knowing that there is someone at home that will fully take this burden away is a huge relief.

But this type of power exchange is a very delicate one. A person doesn’t relinquish control over parts of their life easily. This is especially true of a woman in today’s society. We are expected to run the house, have a career, and be a sex pot. For this type of relationship to flourish, there has to be trust and communication. Boundaries have to be in place. I have to trust that you won’t take advantage of me when I’m in subspace and push me beyond what I can handle.

It is always amazing in the beginning. He will say all the right things. He’ll be there when you wake up and when you go to sleep. That’s the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Everything is shiny and new. The anticipation of how things will play out with the other person and wanting to impress them is at its highest. You’re constantly working to keep their attention. But it’s unrealistic to think that can last forever. Relationships ebb and flow like the tide.

What happens when you get past the honeymoon phase of the relationship and realize that the trust was misplaced? The heartbreak can be like no other you’ve ever felt. How do you recover from a heartbreak that feels like it will never end? The tsunami of hurt is suffocating and it’s all that you can do to breathe and keep going.

How the Dom/sub Dynamic Works

Dominant and submissive relationships are not entered into lightly. It’s not like you go into a regular bar and your opening line is “Hey I’m a sub looking for her perfect Dom.” Although there are some great websites where you can do this. It is not like asking someone to go out on a date. This is the type of relationship that is entered into after a good amount of time. It takes time to nurture the connection and make sure it will work.

Perhaps after being with the person for a while, you may discover that he has a Dominant side and want to explore it with him. You may discover that he wakes up a submissive side of you that you didn’t realize you had. The way that you get there isn’t as important as what happens next. You have to navigate how to enter the power play, the rules, and even how it will end.

What I have learned about this type of relationship it that it’s a relationship based on trust and communication. The Dominant is responsible for the care of the both the physical and mental well-being of his sub (I use these pronouns because I am a woman and I like men). Some men will claim to be a Dom and they use it as a way to take advantage of women for all kinds of reasons.

The Frenzy
There is an urgent need that arises once you figure out that you are a submissive to try and find your perfect Dom. The hunger to have your desires met by whoever the first person is that comes along and fills those shoes. You don’t take the time to let them earn the submission that you are so willing to give. You may not have learned that this is the greatest gifts you can give your Dominant. It’s not expected. They have to work to earn AND keep it.

Thinking like this will lead you to lose rational thought and you’ll make rash decisions that can lead to the devastation that can come with the wrong Dom and they either hurt you physically or leave you an emotional mess. This is something that typically happens with new subs.

More experienced subs can have frenzies as well. They know how to navigate it though. They may seek out a Dom that is a friend that they aren’t bound to so that they can have the itch scratched.

Frenzies are a natural part of the process, but you need to be careful. This website is a great resource for subs.

Boundaries
If you are ready to proceed, then you will want to start having open and honest conversations with your Dominant of choice. It’s important to set boundaries and expectations that both parties agree on in order to try and avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings. You can use a checklist to figure out what you are both willing to do, try, and are comfortable with.

Once you come up with a list of things that work for both of you, you can set up a contract. This can be verbal or written. You can amend it at any time as needs and desires change.

The Good Sir
What does a good Dominant look like? A good Dom is one that will look out for the sub and her interests. He will not demand to be called Sir, Master, or any sort of title that isn’t earned. He won’t prey on someone that is vulnerable. A good Dom doesn’t have to prove that he is a Dom. He’s confident and not an ass. He knows when to walk away because it is what is best for his sub, even if that means a life without her.

He will know and respects her limits but know when and how much to push them.

Most importantly, he’s not going to leave when the scene is done. He will attend to the aftercare that his sub requires to feel whole and safe and secure. A good Dom knows that aftercare is just as important as the rest of the elements of BDSM play. Aftercare solidifies to the sub that they are safe and can trust that the Dom will not hurt them. The trust they place in the Dom is warranted.   

Warning Signs
It can happen to the best of us. Feelings get in the way and can cloud our judgement. We may sense somewhere deep down that something just isn’t right about how we are being treated. Maybe he’s not as responsive anymore or as attentive as he used to be.

Just because you are a submissive, doesn’t mean you are a door mat. You are a person that deserves affection, attention, and communication. You deserve to be treated with respect. And you deserve for your Dominant to take care you and give you time. There are some guys that are maybe new to the BDSM game and are learning or maybe it’s just a guy that wants to take advantage of women. Either way, it’s not a good scenario. One of my fellow writers wrote this amazing article about how to spot a bad Dom.

Some of the red flags that a guy is an asshole and not a Dom are these:

  1. He demands that you address him with a specific title. This should be something that the two of you talk about and agree upon. Whatever the two of you decide to call each other is between the two of you. It is not something that should be demanded.
  2. Introduces himself with a dick pic or commands for you to follow without question. Personally, an unsolicited dick pic earns an immediate block. Unsolicited directions or commands would be right up there for the same reason. A good Dom is respectful.
  3. Sending instructions before an agreement is made. Again, this goes back to respect. A good Dom will not make any sort of demands from his submissive without any sort of agreement.
  4. Ignoring any limits that are set (hard or soft). Limits are things that both parties of the relationship decide are things that they are willing to do, try, or not do at all.
  5. Ignoring safe words. These are meant to protect the submissive when things become too intense or she becomes overstimulated. These words halt play immediately.
  6. Telling lies. This is a no brainer. Honest and open communication are a must.
  7. His pleasure is all that matters. Umm, no. It should be mutual. He will get his. He should get off on pleasing you.
  8. He makes you feel bad about yourself. This one comes in all forms. Maybe he ignores you. Maybe he doesn’t address concerns or problems that you have. These types of things can make you feel like you aren’t worth the trouble. A good Dom reminds you of how amazing you are.
  9. He isolates you.
  10. He tells you that you aren’t a real submissive. The types of submissives are as different as there are types of people. There is no one size fits all here. You have to figure this out as you go through the journey. No amount of research will make you a “perfect sub”.

I found this chart to share with you about bad vs. good Doms:

How to “Break Up”

You’ve figured out that something is wrong with your relationship. It could be that it’s one-sided or that he’s not really the right Dom for you. Or maybe he’s quit talking to you and you are left scrambling trying to figure out what you did that was wrong.

Know that there is a right way to end things with a submissive and a wrong way. A good Dom will ensure that his submissive is in a good mental state to end the emotional dependence that they feel towards the Dom. They will take the time to help the submissive find new ways to re-condition themselves to requests that were exclusive to their relationship.

A bad Dom will simply release the submissive without any care or thought to her well-being. They simply move on. This can cause irreparable harm to the submissive’s mental health. There isn’t really such a thing as an easy break-up, but due to the nature of the relationship, the power play, and the level of trust involved, there is a totally different dynamic at play.

As a submissive myself, I tend to allow my life to revolve around my Dom. I like to be available to him at all times. When I am not, I feel that I am not pleasing him which, despite the fact that I am fiercely independent and can fight my own battles daily, hurts more than anything I can imagine. If he were to take his affection and attention, it would devastate me. Leaving me never wanting to try again.

According to a thread on Quora, “And last but not least: one does not release a sub against their wishes. It is harmful and violates the vulnerability of the sub that is usually emotionally dependent on the Dom. ...Unless a severe breach of mutual agreements happened (and maybe more than once despite previous punishments). Doms have their taboos, too, and no decent sub should ever attempt to breach those.”

Doms have rules. They have their own code. And while that’s important to remember and honor the agreements that you’ve made with them, you need to also respect yourself. If you didn’t have self-respect and drive, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t have picked you in the first place. A good Dom isn’t threatened by you.

Once you figure out that they may not be good for you or maybe they have broken up with you, there are things that you can do to heal.

There is good chance this will feel like the worst breakup of your life. You may feel that you’ll never recover; that you’ll never want to be a sub to someone else again. You may feel broken in a way that you’ve never been broken before. But I’m here to tell you that there is hope.

Sadly, it’s common for new submissives to feel very attached to their first Dominant. Think of it like the first time you had a boyfriend. The first time you felt love and that first heartbreak. It was a learning experience. You learned what was ok and what was not. What you liked and what you didn’t. Eventually you did move forward to find what did work. The same will happen with surviving the breakup with a Dominant.

Here are some things that you can do to help:

  1. Eat and drink fluids. Self-care is so important. You need to be sure to remain healthy physically even with a broken heart.
  2. Surround yourself with support. Remember in the movie Inside Out when the main character feels sad even though she is normally happy. Joy would come to her because of sadness. You have to have sadness to appreciate the joy. Your support systems will bring that to you.
  3. Give yourself time to grieve. It is a significant loss. Time is needed to heal your heart and give you time to find your bearings. You need to take the time to think about what you want and the kind of Dominant that you need to feel fulfilled. Look at it as a learning experience. Everyone in your life is a teacher. Learn the lesson, however painful.
  4. Therapy is ok. More people need to talk about this and normalize it. Lots of us in the BDSM community are afraid or nervous to talk to a mental health professional about needs that we have. I can admit that I have openly talked through my submissive tendencies with my therapist. He has helped me with strategies to keep myself from being a doormat while still honoring the person that I am.
  5. Straighten your crown and remember who you are. You may be submissive but remember that the submissive is the one that holds the power in the relationship. You are worthy and you are amazing, and any Dominant would be more than lucky to have you. It may not feel like it now but give yourself time to heal. You’ll see it.
  6. Don’t jump into the next thing that comes along. You need time. Feel free to explore but keep your heart open to possibility and remember that your submission is earned.

What’s Next?

I am in no way saying that any of this is easy. Break-ups in vanilla relationships can be devasting. I think when a sub surrenders her power, it adds an entirely new level to the break-up game. I wish that all breakups could be amicable and easy. Sadly, they aren’t. When feelings are involved, it’s dreadfully painful. It messes with your head in a way that makes you question your worth, how you see yourself and how you feel about yourself.

Dominant and submissive relationships take this to a completely different level. I’m the type of sub that is willing to relinquish all control to the Dominant that earns it. Not because I can’t handle it, but because I trust that they can help me carry the load. They see that I carry so much all day, that they want to help ease my burden so I’m not alone.

If I lost my Dom, the one that I relinquish this control to, I’m not sure that I would be able to function. I’m sure I’d feel devasted and thrown away. I would also be sure to reach out to people that care about me; me without him, if they even know that there is a him. They would help me work through the pain and remember myself again.

My last piece of advice is this. Of all the things I have learned about BDSM relationships, the most important one is that the submissive isn’t submissive because she is weak. She is submissive because she is strong enough to know her own mind and her own body and know that she submits because she wants to.

Cry it out. Ugly cry. It’s totally ok. Lay on the floor and be sad. But remember you can’t stay there. You weren’t meant to stay there for a Dominant that doesn’t deserve you. You got this. Just give yourself the healing power of time and talk. You’ll need your tribe to help you through it. And you’ll be better because of it.