Pain during sex for vagina-havers is a common problem. A bit more common than you may think. And there are a lot of different reasons as to why sex may be painful.
Why would sex be painful?
As I mentioned, there are several reasons sex may be painful for you.
There are some other things that are more mental/emotional than physical that can actually manifest pain or discomfort during sexual intercourse, such as:
How common is painful penetration?
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, nearly 3 out of 4 women experience painful intercourse at some period in their lives. While for some, the problem is temporary and fixable, for others, it’s a longer-term issue that requires some work-arounds to enjoy a satisfying sex life.
How can different sex toys help if sex is painful for me?
If you have experienced painful penetration or sex that is uncomfortable, it can really discourage you from attempting things in the bedroom. The idea of sex with your partner becomes daunting, and the idea of adding a sex toy into the mix can seem damn near impossible. However, there are a lot of different sex toys that have been designed with you (people who suffer from painful penetration during sex) in mind.
Could the clitoris be the key to avoiding sexual pain?
According to Healthline, the more turned on you are, the more pleasure you’re feeling, the less sex can hurt. This is true for a variety of different reasons, and while arousal may not solve every painful sex issue, it can be a massive help.
Sex toys can promote blood flow to the clitoris, which houses 8,000 different nerve endings. This is why so many of the toys on the list below have some form of penetrative stimulation attached to them.
The Ohnut allows you to essentially “customize” how deep penetration goes so you and your lover can still experience intimate penetrative sex without it being painful for you. The toy is placed at the base of your partner’s penis (or at the base of a penetrative toy such as a dildo) and, during intercourse, it compresses to act as a “cushion” during sex. The idea behind this is to keep your partner (or other toy) from penetrating you too deeply and causing pain or discomfort.
The creator of this product, Emily Sauer, explained that the idea came to her during her own struggle with painful penetration. Sauer eventually felt like a “failure” to herself and her partner when she wasn’t able to enjoy penetrative sex.
The Ohnut consists of four rings, and you can use as many as you’d like to get the right amount of penetration from your partner or toy.
“For over a decade,” Sauer explains, “I assumed that I was unrelatable in my experience of painful sex, and yet the moment that Ohnut became a vehicle for conversation, I couldn’t believe how alone I wasn’t.”
A note: lubrication (preferably water-based lube) is pretty essential for using this, as it will make it more comfortable and pleasurable.
According to one of our past writers, Nikita, using the Ohnut was surprising: “As I was sitting here trying to describe this little device, I pulled mine from its satin bag and held it in my palm. The aqua ring quivered like Jell-O, and when I poked it, it reminded me a bit of those Trolli Peach Rings you snag from a gas station while on a road trip. Somehow, its yielding jelly form is almost fleshy and sexual. Sauer did her job right.”
Nikita goes on to explain that the Ohnut is fairly easy to use (add and remove) during sex. Read more about the Ohnut here.
The price…
The Ohnut comes in at $65.00 (USD).
The best feature…
The best feature here has to be the fact that you can stack the Ohnut to suit your needs. If you can’t handle very much penetration, you can use all four “rings” of the Ohnut. If you are feeling comfortable with a bit more penetration but still aren’t able to enjoy complete penetration, you can use one or two rings.
The worst feature…
As I have not personally tried this toy, it’s a bit difficult to find a “con” to place here - but I’ll turn again to Nikita’s post on this. “For some people, the snug fit actually even feels good, “like a hug,” and even for thicker folks, the Ohnut can feel almost like a stroker, or an extension of their partner. However, some girthier men report decreased sensation, or even a slight loss of circulation. Yikes. Thankfully, this uber-stretchy material expands to eight inches in width, so there’s no question of it being able to fit literally everybody.”
Nikita goes on to point out that the creator of Ohnut has a solution for this as well - placing the Ohnut rings around a water bottle to slightly stretch them out.
How it helps with painful sex...
The Ohnut is a great way to still be able to have penetrative sex with a partner in a way that pleases them and doesn’t cause discomfort (potentially even allowing you to experience pleasure). The idea that you can choose how much your partner (or toy) penetrates you gives you a lot of room to play around and find something that actually feels good for you.
Le Wand is a wand set that comes with different heads that can be used to stimulate your clit and get you feeling aroused and relaxed. This can then promote lubrication and relaxation, which can make penetrative sex easier.
I personally have a wand, and while I haven’t experienced painful penetration, I can say that it gets you in the mood quickly and can even make you climax really quickly when used on just the right spot. This is a fun toy to use with a partner when penetration isn’t ideal, and it’s a great way to ease into sexual arousal.
The price…
This particular wand set comes in at $280 (USD).
The best feature…
The best feature of this (and every) want toy has to be the amount of different heads (that include different patterns and textures) that you can try, so you can find just the right feel, size, shape, and pressure that helps you orgasm.
The worst feature…
Again, the price point is something that catches your eye (in a bad way) if you’re someone who isn’t super jazzed about experiencing sex due to pain problems. However, many people (including people who have experienced painful sex) rave about wand toys, so it may just be worth the investment.
How it helps with painful sex...
While the goal of the Eva II is to get you comfortable and feeling good, the general idea behind many wand toys such as Le Wand is so make you climax through clitoral stimulation alone. This can be quite appealing for someone who just isn’t able to enjoy penetration at all but still wants to experience those body-shaking orgasms.
I adore this toy and I’ve never even used it. It’s so cute and the name is amazing. To activate the vibrations, all you have to do is squeeze. The more you squeeze, the harder the vibrations are. There is even a “record” mode where you can squeeze out a pattern (soft, soft, hard, hard, hard, soft, hard...you get the idea) - and then save that pattern to use. How awesome is that?
The price…
The price for this one is $99 (USD).
The best feature…
According to this review of the Squish by Slutty Girl Problems, one of the most fun settings is the ability to save different squeeze patterns. It’s also ideal for anyone, regardless of anatomy and/or pain levels, because it’s so adjustable and can be moved to vibrate anywhere, not causing any pain.
The worst feature…
The vibration is strong, but may not be enough to bring you fully to climax. This may not be a toy used to get you all the way, but it can get you started.
How it helps with painful sex…
As for why this toy could help with painful penetration, it’s pretty simple - it’s small and it allows you to feel vibrations and pleasure where you want it, and where it feels good. It’s also one of the least expensive on this list and looks very discrete and non-threatening.
As I mentioned before, vagina-havers can experience vaginal dryness for a bunch of different reasons: stress, hormonal changes, menopause, lack of desire or arousal, medication complications, etc. The Eva II can help with this. How? Clitoral stimulation.
If you’re someone who experiences pain during sex due to dryness, having continual and precise clitoral stimulation may be able to increase the lubrication and make sex more pleasurable and less painful. Clitoral stimulation can also speed up the “rewiring” of the brain and help you transform pain during sex into a neutral sensation, which can then later be transformed into pleasure.
How the “cycle of pain” works:
And then the cycle starts over. The concept of this is really well explained by sex-blogger Katrin in this post. Sex toys (such as the Eva II) can help you break this kind of cycle by making clitoral stimulation a non-threatening and intimate way to prepare your body and mind for sex.
This waterproof vibe from Dame (a company I personally love) can stay in place with it’s flexible wings and out of the way when it’s time to get intimate with a partner.
The price…
The Eva II is a bit pricier, coming in at $135 (USD).
The best feature…
The best feature of this toy, according to reviewers like Katrin, is the fact that it really does stay in place and it strong enough to cause clitoral stimulation that makes a difference.
The worst feature…
The worst feature of this toy from the outside looking in is the price tag - it’s quite high, and if you’re someone who generally steers clear of sex toys due to painful sexual experiences, I can see how spending this much on a toy would be a huge gamble.
How it helps with painful sex...
With the Eva II, it seems that the whole goal is to break the cycle of thoughts that occur and get your body more tensed up, which can cause even more discomfort. This is more of a “let’s start enjoying sexual stimualtion again on a small scale” kind of toy - where you can eventually work your way up to using something like the Ohnut to enjoy penetrative sex again.
Another idea for those who experience painful penetration is to expirement with a vaginal training set.
What are vaginal training sets or dilators?
The idea here is very simple: start with something super thin and small (but still insertable) and work your way up. You’re essentially “training” your vagina to become more relaxed, less tight, and more comfortable with things being inserted into it.
How can they help with painful penetration?
Vaginal dilators or trainers are tools that are used to help restore or expand the pelvic floor, according to Dr. Anna McMaster, PT, DPT. They come in a set of gradually larger sizes, with the first toy being about the size of a tampon. They are typically made of silicone or plastic. McMaster recommends the Soul Source dilators.
How expensive are they?
These kits generally range from $60 - $100 (USD) for a kit with up to four different sizes.
How do I find the right set for me?
Finding the right set for you can be tricky, especially if you’re someone who has experienced such painful penetration that you don’t even know where to start. This page has a lot of different vaginal training kits on it and goes into depth about what sizes are best.
Toys such as the Womanizer Liberty or Satisfyer Pro (which I personally have and absolutely adore) come with “pleasure air technology” which, instead of vibrating on your clit, focuses waves of air pulses on it instead, offering different suction techniques that feel absolutely incredible.
The prices…
The Womanizer Liberty is $99 (USD).
The Satisfyer Pro is $50 (USD)
The best features…
The best feature on these toys are that they really focus on clitroal pleasure and offer something new and exciting for you to try. The air pulse technology is also super pleasurable, and can certainly make many women reach climax quickly.
The worst features…
The “worst” feature here is that they can be a little difficult to use with partners in certain sex positions.
How it helps with painful sex...
Focusing on your pleasure where you feel pleasure instead of your pain where you feel pain can be a good start in enjoying parts of your sex life again.
ACOG - FAQ on Painful Sex
Cedars-Sinai - Conditions That Cause Painful Sex
WebMD - Female Pain During Sexual Intercourse
NHS - Why Does Sex Hurt?
Our Bodies Ourselves - Pain During Intercourse QuestionsWell & Good - Experts Share Insights on Reduing Pain During Sex
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