You’ve done the typical date-night prep: the hair, the makeup, the black cocktail dress that costs almost as much as your rent and the condoms in your purse that you’re praying you have the chance to use...you’re ready for your date with the absolute hunk you swiped right on last week.
You get to the restaurant and he’s charming, funny and irresistibly sexy, so when he asks you back to his apartment you obviously say yes. The sexual tension is palpable and you feel the need for him bubbling to the surface as you practically tear your dress trying to get it off.
You’re ready for existential bliss, for total erotic ecstasy, for the best sex you’ve ever had...and you’re met with 9 minutes of awkward thrusting, an uncomfortable position change, and a climactic event apparently he was the only one with an invite to.
The next morning he’s an absolute gentleman, makes you breakfast and gets you into a cab, saying he’ll text you. While you really want that to be true, you flashback to the horror-show that was last night.
He is a total catch, perfect for you in every other way...but the sex is way, way less than what you’d hoped for.
“Help: I’m totally into this guy, but the sex was absolutely awful.” you text your group chat on your way home.
What’s a girl to do?
The first time sleeping with someone new can be a lot of pressure and sometimes that pressure causes us to psych ourselves out - it happens. Really, maybe you weren’t on your A-game either.
Never underestimate the power of first-time jitters - maybe the next time he will rock you in the sack and this whole problem will go away. Meeting up with him again to give it another shot is the best way to determine if this is a one-off or a more serious issue that needs to be addressed.
You’re confused, annoyed and likely very sexually frustrated - chances are talking things out with your new man is not going to end well given your current state of mind. Clear your head and come at this from a calm and logical place.
How should you clear your head?
I’m being 100% serious. Masturbation releases all kinds of feel-good hormones and actually decreases cortisol stress levels. Getting off is the key to ensuring when you do bring it up, you’re level-headed, calm, collected and easy-to-talk-to.
So, you’ve been seeing each other for a while now and the sex is still sub-par. While it’s not a super fun conversation, really, the first step to improving is admitting that this is a problem.
Maybe he knows it’s not been great, or maybe he really thinks things have been fine. Sometimes it’s not easy to tell when a woman has been able to reach orgasm or not (and sometimes women need very specific things done in order to reach that climax).
The important thing here is to bring it up in a way that doesn’t make him feel inadequate. Maybe offer up some suggestions on things you can both improve on in the bedroom or new things you want to try together to take some of the pressure off him.
A tip: consider asking each other these 10 questions to gauge how well they think your sex life is going - they are great conversation starters and help open a non-threatening line of communication about sex.
Some men were born to be leaders...some men were born to fall under a domineering woman’s heel - it’s just the way it is. Consider taking the lead the next time you hook up. Guide his hands where you want them to be, choose sex positions that you know can get you off and don’t be afraid to get a little bossy.
Confidence is incredibly sexy and knowing what you want (and doing what you can to get it) is one of the best ways to make sure everyone gets a ticket to that main event.
All you have to do is ask (sometimes). While it can be a bit nerve-wracking to be super direct with a new lover, asking for what you want is one of the best ways to get the message through loud and clear.
Hint around at what you want.
While not all men are great at subtleties, some are. Hint around at things that turn you on, things you’d like to try and what makes you feel good - if he gets the hint, great...if not, it’s time for a more direct approach!
An instructional guide he’ll want to follow.
Some dudes dig being told what to do and how to do it when it comes to pleasing their woman. Ask him specific things: “touch me here”, “squeeze my tits” or “bite my neck” - clear and direct statements about things you know will help bring you to orgasm.
Don’t be afraid to ask for it rough, too. Add some more explanation to your desires: “I want you to bite my neck, hard” or “slap my ass really hard” - chances are this kind of dirty talk will get him going as well.
Stop. Faking. Orgasms.
While you want them to feel like you’re enjoying yourself, in reality, you’re only hurting yourself here. Faking orgasms only leads to worse sex.
If he asks if it was good, be honest.
If you’re lucky enough to be with a man who genuinely cares about getting you off, he might ask if the sex was good or if you climaxed - be honest. Tell him if you were close, tell him if you weren’t anywhere in the ballpark of close - being honest will help him (and you) in the long run.
If he doesn’t ask, explain that you weren’t able to orgasm that time.
If he doesn’t ask, things may feel a bit awkward when you bring it up - but whenever there is a good (enough) time, just explain that you weren’t able to finish with him. Yes - it might be awkward, but it can be an incentive to try different (better) things next time around.
Sometimes it’s all in the angles - some people are just not that great in certain sexual positions. Meanwhile, in others, they turn into some kind of sex god. You never know until you try, so why not give a few new positions a shot and see if something clicks?
Some of the best “easy-to-climax” sex positions for women include:
Another great reason to try new positions is that if the timing isn’t right (he’s not lasting long enough), switching up positions puts the breaks on and those mere seconds of shifting positions can add minutes onto your sexy time.
Packing your trusted rabbit vibe into your purse and heading on over to his place for the weekend may seem a bit drastic but sometimes you have to go with the sure-thing.
Of course, you should ask him before you add a sex toy into the mix (that’s how consent works) - but if he is open to the idea (which he likely will be), it can be something fun and exciting for you both that you know will get you off when it comes time to climax.
Some trusty (portable) vibes I recommend are:
Other toys you could add into the mix to spice things up are handcuffs or other restraints, blindfolds and maybe some nice flavored/scented lube (because everything is better with lube).
While your porn viewing pleasures may be something you feel compelled to hide during the beginning stages of a relationship, watching porn as a couple has so many great benefits!
You feel more comfortable around each other.
I’m not going to lie - this can feel really awkward at first. But after you’ve watched porn together you may start to feel way more comfortable talking about sex, which makes it way easier to try new things and communicate what you want.
You get to know what they watch (and like).
Nothing lets you know what a guy is into more than stumbling across his porn stash. Why not skip the hinting around and just ask him? “What kind of porn do you watch?” and “do you want to watch it together tonight?” are two questions that may catch him off guard but chances are he will be super into it.
They get to know what you watch (and like).
Perhaps one of the biggest reasons to watch porn together is to give him a few not-so-subtle hints about what you want him to do with you. Showing him the kind of porn you’re into, what you like to watch, what you fantasize about can give him all kinds of naughty ideas on how to really please you later.
The ultimate foreplay.
What about a little sex-show before the real fun begins? Porn can be a great way to amp up the foreplay (if that’s where things are going wrong).
Watching an amateur couple fool around on-screen while you take things nice and slow on the couch, mirroring their movements and taking pauses to watch them get it on can prolong the fun, add excitement and give yourself something to push you closer to a great orgasm.
If you’re not quite ready to dive into porn-viewing with your new lover, why not try some steamy Netflix and Chill movies to set the mood?
If all of the above have failed and you are still dating this really incredible guy who just happens to have zero sexual chemistry with you - you may need to consider if there is a deeper issue here.
Is it you?
Maybe you’re getting in your own way, preventing yourself from really connecting with this person. Could you be recovering from a broken heart? Maybe you’re stressed at work and haven’t been able to put the time and effort into this new fling. Or maybe you’re experiencing health problems that are decreasing your libido.
Is it him?
If it’s not you - maybe it’s him. Maybe there really isn’t any sexual chemistry between you. Starting a blazing, roaring, all-consuming fire with not even a spark can be next-to-impossible - and acknowledging that you simply don’t have chemistry with someone can be difficult when you like them, but maybe that’s the reason you’re not able to be fulfilled by them sexually.
Maybe it’s both.
Dating is hard! Connecting with someone on an intimate level can be even more difficult. The timing has to be right for you both, the willingness to experiment and try new things and the desire to make it work has to be there for both of you.
It’s hard to write yourselves a sultry erotica story if you’re both working on different chapters of the book.
Contrary to popular belief, sex in a relationship can (and often does) get better over time. You begin to know each other’s bodies well enough to bring each other to orgasm at the same time. You share secrets, desires, and fantasies.
Even sharing the mundane parts of your life with them can improve your sex life. Maybe they give you an oil-massage when you’re stressed and that leads to sensual, romantic love-making. Or maybe they start to realize you just like to be dominated after a long, hard day of being the boss in the office.
How long should I wait around?
This is one of the toughest questions - you don’t want to lead him on, you don’t want to waste your time - but you don’t want to give up without giving it a fair shot. How do you know when to call it quits?
Really, only you can tell that. If you’ve been in this a few months and things are slowly starting to improve, maybe that's an incentive for you to stay and see if you can make something great out of it.
Giving your sexual relationship a chance to bloom into something great can be frustrating, but so worth the wait.
For some people, sex in a relationship needs to be great for them to see a future - for others, it’s less important. You need to decide if sex that’s not-too-great (that may not improve much) is worth breaking things off over.
I need good sex.
And that’s totally and completely fine. Personally, I’m not sure if I could stay in a relationship where the sex wasn’t great (or on the road to being great) - and there is absolutely no shame in that!
Maybe you will both have greater and more satisfying sex lives with other people in the future. Maybe you just don’t work well as a pair in the bedroom. Staying in a relationship with mediocre sex if sex is something that is important to you will only lead to resentment down the road.
I can wait a little while longer…
If you feel as though the sex is just one minor flaw in an otherwise happy new relationship, maybe giving it a bit more time, especially if he is listening and willing to try new things.
The effort it takes to make great sex happen is sometimes more than we think - but if you find a man willing to put in that effort to make you cum, he’s a keeper!
I have no idea.
It’s okay to not know. Tricky situations often don’t come with a clear right or wrong answer. My suggestion? Talk to him about it honestly. Tell him that sex is important to you and you want to work at getting better with it, and if he’s onboard, that’s great. If not, you might have to take some time to think things over.
Despite what your favorite porn might have you believe, good sex sometimes takes work!
It’s not all good lighting, sex positions that are easy to move into and squirting orgasms every single time.
If he’s interested in your sexual satisfaction, that’s a good sign.
If you notice he is asking you more questions about it and seems genuinely interested in you having a good time (and maybe willing to try some new things to try to help you get there), you likely don’t have anything to worry about.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
If he is selfish in bed, chances are that won’t change anytime soon.
Selfish lovers very rarely take your satisfaction into account, and that’s a shame because sex can always be improved with a little effort.
However, if your new fling isn’t really interested in whether you came alongside him you will likely be left frustrated every time without him even really noticing.
If you have no problem being aroused by him (and just can’t seem to reach orgasm) - that’s also good news.
If you find yourself constantly thinking about his body, undressing him with your eyes, daydreaming about his touch - there is tension, chemistry, and sparks, all of which can be used as kindling to start a roaring fire of passion down the road.
If you have trouble even getting into the mood (especially early on in the relationship - that can signify trouble.
On the other hand, if you find it difficult to be aroused by him and don’t really care much about the sex (and that’s not typical for you this early in a relationship), then this signifies quite a big problem. If he’s not able to even get your engine revving, there’s very little chance he will be able to do anything else for you.